The 1976 Bum Steer Awards

Life! Ah, what magic lies in those words! But the question of 1975 was this: Is there life after Dolph? Looking back on the past year, we’re not even sure there was life during Dolph. But even if life failed us, Bum Steers did not. Day after day, month after month they reared their long, horned heads and mooed. We heard them, saved them, and now it’s your chance to hear them, too: this year’s Texas Monthly’s Bum Steer Awards.

FULL OF BULLOCK
Brother Dave’s diner in Whitehouse began serving what Dave called “cheap, tasteless, and hard to swallow Bullockburgers” after a visit from Comptroller Bob Bullock’s sales tax raiders. Bullock responded, “I have no doubt but that your Bullockburgers will be as hot as the seven checks you gave this office.”

NEXT TIME YOURE IN TROUBLE, CALL A HIPPIE
The Dallas Police Department’s Hi Line Avenue warehouse was robbed of $28,000 in cash, $1250 in silver bars, and $500 worth of jewelry from an unlocked safe.

ONE SMALL STEP FOR MANKIND, ONE GIANT STEP FOR ME
Astronaut Alan Shepard was awarded a Coors Beer franchise in Houston.

THEY CAN’T FIND THEIR HORN WITH BOTH HANDS
The Houston Police Department reported local labor leader Don Horn missing, only to discover three hours later that he had been in their own jail.

AS WE SEE IT, YOU FLUNKED HISTORY
According to Mayor Preston Wood of Bridge City, “As I see it, Franklin Roosevelt expressed it pretty good when he made his famous quote, ‘Of the people, by the people, and for the people.’”

TIRED OF LLOYD, HUBERT, GERALD, RONALD, GEORGE, SCOOP, ETC.?
Stripers, a hamster whose slogan was, “The only candidate honest enough to admit he’s a rat,” won a student senate seat at the University of Texas at El Paso.

GOD PREFERS DR PEPPER
Baptist preacher Buckner Fanning of San Antonio testified in court that his ability to play golf and perform baptisms was impaired after a bottle of Coke burst in his hands.

MORAL: JUST DON’T CUSS WHEN THEY CUT OFF YOUR ARM
The Dallas Motion Picture Board classified Horror High, which shows a pupil using a paper cutter to sever a teacher’s arm, as “suitable for young people.” The same committee judged Paper Moon as “not suitable” because child actress Tatum O’Neal utters a four-letter word.

A SMALL WORD IN FAVOR OF TEA
District Judge O.P. Carrillo fired his secretary of five years, Mrs. Zenaida Montemayor, after seeing her drinking a cup of coffee with his arch rival, Duval County Judge Archer Parr.

THIS IS MY GREAT, GREAT, GREAT, GREAT, GRANDMOTHER—I THINK I’ LL KEEP HER
Genoveva Gutierrez of San Marcos is 117 years old, takes swimming lessons, doesn’t wear glasses, climbs trees to get over fences, and walks eight blocks to church.

BOOP BOOP DIDEM DADEM WADEM SHOO
John Hatfield of Austin swallowed only 10 goldfish in an effort to break the Guinness World Record of

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