2005 Bum Steer Awards

Better close off the balcony too
Congresswoman Sheila Jackson Lee, of Houston, requested that a corridor in her Washington, D.C., office building be closed off for eight hours so that she could meet privately with singer Michael Jackson.

4—6 minutes to high cholesterol
An eighteen-wheeler overturned on Houston’s Loop 610, spilling 30,000 pounds of eggs onto the freeway.

They were caught in the mission-ary position
Kristine Nissel and Matthew Hotard, both active-duty soldiers at Fort Sam Houston, in San Antonio, were arrested and charged with public lewdness after a security officer found them having sex at the Alamo.

Why not start at the top?
Waiting for a live broadcast to begin but unaware that her microphone had been turned on, Blandina Cardenas, the new president of the University of Texas—Pan American, in Edinburg, surprised listeners, including the school’s provost, by saying to UT regents, “I think we need a new provost.”

That’s because he didn’t have a tattoo of his insurance card
For seven days, employees of Wilford Hall Medical Center, at Lackland Air Force Base, were unable to identify a young man who was injured in a car accident, even though his last name was tattooed in large letters across his stomach.

Darlin’, your next 15,600 flights to Palm Beach are on me!
Neiman Marcus’s 2004 Christmas catalog included a lifetime pass on American Airlines for only $3 million.

That explains why his references sounded like they were talking through pantyhose
A man who robbed a Houston Whataburger was promptly arrested because he accidentally dropped a job application he had filled out for the fast-food eatery, complete with his name and address.

We need it to mean “We shoot first. You ask questions later”
Writing in Rolling Stone  about the 2004 presidential campaign, journalist Hunter S. Thompson penned this description of Texas’s largest city: “Houston is a cruel and crazy town on a filthy river in East Texas with no zoning laws and a culture of sex, money and violence. It’s a shabby, sprawling metropolis ruled by brazen women, crooked cops and super-rich pansexual cowboys who live by the code of the West—which can mean just about anything you need it to mean, in a pinch.”

Remember Gobiad!
During the filming of The Alamo in Austin, a group of actors including Billy Bob Thornton, who played Davy Crockett, and Kevin Page, who played Micajah Autry, got drunk and acquired tattoos as mementos, but Page later discovered that his tattoo actually read “Remem ler the Alamo.”

Dead giveaway: Chuck doesn’t dot his i’s with little hearts
A Beaumont woman was indicted for using fake checks after she stole the identity of a Houston man, Chuck Rosenthal, who happens to be the Harris County district attorney.

Five years for assaulting the employee, five more for desecrating the cheeseburgers
Waynetta Nolan, of Houston, was sentenced to ten years in prison for striking a McDonald’s employee with her car following an argument in which she complained that the restaurant would not put mayonnaise on her two double cheeseburgers.

Takes one to know one
U.S. House majority leader Tom DeLay, of Sugar Land, received his third admonishment in five years from the House Ethics Committee. In response, DeLay said the charges had “insufficient merit.”

What’s the penaltyfor decent exposure?
University of New Mexico art student Jonathan Loth was arrested in Marfa for disorderly conduct because he was walking up and down the street wearing only a pair of boxer shorts printed with a picture of the crotch of  Michelangelo’s David.

It’s his only chance to get out of the downward doghouse
Houstonian James Lee Cross, convicted of domestic assault for slapping his wife, was sentenced by Judge Larry Standley to take anger-management counseling and yoga.

Or he could scare him to death with his political views
At a hearing in Gatesville to enforce a political-sign ordinance against state representative Sid Miller, a process server testified that, during a telephone conversation, Miller said three times that if the marshal came onto his property to serve him with court papers, he would shoot him.

My name is William Thomasset and I approved this obituary
Relatives of William Kappes Thomasset ran an obituary for the 81-year-old Angleton man that concluded, “In lieu of flowers, Bill would be most honored and gratified by your vote for the Bush/Cheney ticket in November!”

That explains the “wide" in wide-open spaces
Six Texas cities appeared on Men’s Fitness  magazine’s list of the fattest U.S. cities. Houston ranked second, Dallas third, San Antonio fourth, Fort Worth sixth, Arlington eighth, and El Paso twenty-fourth.

Yeah. Right after the mug shot
John George led  Austin police on a 26-minute high-speed chase before surrendering after entering a dead-end street. He then asked arresting officers, “Don’t y’all have to quit chasing me after a certain amount of time?”

If you don’t know why this is funny, try Viagra
To the despair of local law enforcement, teenage pranksters repeatedly stole the signs from a particular street in the Woodlands: Morning Wood.

It’s my party and you’ll cry if I want you to
District judge Faith Johnson, of Dallas, hearing of the recapture of a defendant who, a year earlier, had been convicted of aggravated assault but had jumped bail before sentencing, welcomed him back to her courtroom with balloons, streamers, and a cake decorated with his name.

I see an ugly growth in your Ovilla
Thomas Patrick Remo, of Ovilla, was convicted of practicing medicine without a license after he ran ads in the Dallas Observer  offering free gynecological services to women.

Eighty windmills outside Jerry’s office would work even better
Texas land commissioner Jerry Patterson accused New Mexico land commissioner Patrick Lyons of “wind swindling and breeze rustling” because an Austin-based company signed a deal to place eighty windmills on New Mexico state lands.

Are you going to bring up that little thing again?
After Congressman Pete Sessions, of Dallas, condemned Janet Jackson’s breast-baring during halftime at the Super Bowl, his Democratic opponent,

More Texas Monthly

Loading, please wait...

Most Read

  • Viewed
  • Past:
  • 1 week