The 2007 Bum Steer Awards

Oddities & Absurdities! See the violent vice president! Catch the bumbling bank robber! Deplane the mean ministers’s wife!

You know it’s going to be a good year for Bum Steers when 61 percent of the people vote against the governor’s reelection and he wins anyway. When Kinky Friedman asks, “How hard could it be?”—and finds out. When Tom DeLay steps down as U.S. House majority leader, resigns from Congress, and hands his district to a Dem­ocrat he had redistricted into oblivion in 2004. When DeLay’s temporary replacement, Shelley Sekula-Gibbs, runs off his holdover staff with a temper tantrum and runs her chance to win the seat in 2008 into the ground. When George W. Bush contributes “thumpin’” to the political lexicon. When the Longhorns beat Southern Cal for the national championship but can’t beat Kansas State or Texas A&M. When the Spurs can’t beat the Mavs, the Mavs can’t beat the Heat, and the Rockets can’t beat anybody. When Bobby Knight is shown on national television slapping a player—imagine that—and Drew Bledsoe, who began the season as the Dallas Cowboys’ starting quarterback, plays like he could use a good slap. But none of these antiheroes measure up to the man we’re here to honor. A politician and a sportsman. A man who’s a real blast to go hunting with, who this year gave the country (and his friend Harry Whittington) a shot in the arm, among other places. He may be number two in the White House, but to us he’ll always be number one with a bullet. Or a pellet. Come out from that undisclosed location, Dick Cheney. You’re our Bum Steer of the Year.

FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, WE AGREE WITH HIM
Appearing on Fox’s Hannity & Colmes, Tom DeLay said, “I haven’t had no ethical problems.”

IT’S FULL OF BALONEY, AND YOU NEED A REALLY BIG MOUTH TO EAT IT
Weinberger’s Deli, in Grapevine, named a sandwich after Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban.

WHAT’S BLACK AND WHITE AND RED-FACED ALL OVER?
A referee called a technical foul on Tom Penders when the University of Houston basketball coach collapsed to the floor after his team was called for a foul, because he thought Penders was showing him up. Even though Penders, who wears a pacemaker, was carried off on a stretcher and treated by EMTs for dizziness, the referee refused to rescind the technical foul.

INSTANT MESSAGE—DAVYCROCKETT1836: Do I make you a little horny? SANTANNA: A little. DAVYCROCKETT1836: Cool.
Amid calls for speaker of the U.S. House Dennis Hastert to resign over his handling of the Mark Foley matter, U.S. congressman Joe Barton, of Arlington, compared Hastert to the defenders of the Alamo.

DUDE, YOU’RE GETTING A DILDO!
Dell Inc. had to change the URL for its company blog, Dellone2one.com, because of a pornographic site with a similar address.

BEFORE YOU THROW THE BOOK AT SOMEONE, IT HELPS IF YOU CAN READ IT
Dallas County sheriff Lupe Valdez flunked a state licensing exam required for all law enforcement officers.

WE’LL DRINK TO THAT
In an annual survey by the Princeton Review, the University of Texas at Austin was ranked the nation’s number one party school.

ANOTHER INSTANCE OF KATRINA “WORKING VERY WELL” FOR SOMEONE
Former first lady Barbara Bush made a donation to the Bush-Clinton Katrina Fund with the proviso that part of the money be spent to purchase software from her son Neil’s company.

START IN CORAL GABLES. GO NORTH AND TAKE A RIGHT ON BISCAYNE BOULEVARD
After the Dallas Mavericks took a two-games-to-none lead over the Miami Heat in the NBA Finals, Dallas city officials set the route for the victory parade. The Heat then won four straight games and the league championship.

“YOU, ME AND DUPREE” WAS REASON ENOUGH
Actor Owen Wilson was asked by a security guard to leave Whole Foods Market in downtown Austin because he was in bare feet.

JEFF. DAVE. WHO CARES WHAT THEIR NAMES ARE, AS LONG AS THEY STAY AWAY FROM TEENAGE BOYS!
At a campaign appearance for Republican congressional candidate Jeff Lamberti, of Iowa, President Bush repeatedly referred to him as Dave.

YEAH, BUT UNLIKE THAT OLD NAG RUMSFELD, BUSH DIDN’T HAVE TO PUT HIM DOWN
In an Election Day race at the famed Churchill Downs, a horse named Rove finished last.

NOW APPEARING IN “ARSENIC AND OLD LACE”
Katherine Smith, of Hurst, the understudy in a play at L. D. Bell High School, surrendered to police in May after attempting to poison the lead actress by putting bleach in her soft drink.

ONE SMALL MISSTEP FOR MAN …
NASA announced it cannot locate the original videotapes of the first moon landing.

BOOBS IN TOOBS SOON TO BE RENAMED “LEERS FROM PIERS”
In July a San Antonio strip club put on an event called Boobs in Toobs at which customers could pay $25 to float down the Comal River with strippers.

BUT THE BIGGEST BOOBS IN THE DISTRICT ARE ON THE SCHOOL BOARD
As part of a new dress code, the Arlington Independent School District declared that “the display of cleavage is unacceptable.”

BUT THE MOST VISIBLE ASSES IN THE DISTRICT ARE ON THE SCHOOL BOARD
A Frisco art teacher was fired after taking fifth-graders to an exhibit at the Dallas Museum of Art that featured a depiction of the naked human body.

ON THE PLUS SIDE, THE TEACHERS’ EDITION OF “INTRODUCTION TO BIOLOGY” SEEMED A HELL OF A LOT FUNNIER
At least eighteen staff members at Lake Highlands High School, near Dallas, fell ill from eating muffins in the faculty lounge that lab tests later showed were laced with THC, the active ingredient in marijuana.

IF WE WERE IN MIDLAND, WE’D WISH FOR THE SAME THING
Governor Rick Perry told a Midland audience that he was glad to be in Abilene to start his reelection campaign.

DEAD GIVEAWAY: THEY WERE ALERT AND VIGILANT
During a raid of nightclubs in Laredo, the Texas Department of Public Safety arrested eight people for impersonating security guards.

AS USUAL, THE THRILL OF VICTORY FOLLOWS THE AGONY OF DE FEET
After spraining a toe on his right foot early

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