The 2014 Bum Steer Awards

It was a year of awful Astros, brazen breastaurateurs, confused congressmen, drunk district attorneys, equine endangerment, fantasy feces, greasy good-for-nothin’s, harebrained homophobes, inelegantly inked infielders, jackass juries, klutzy kettles, leaked loquaciousness by the lieutenant governor, misplaced machinery, nettlesome North Koreans, Orangeblood odors, prison/pigpen problems, questionable quacks, ravioli-revering Red Raiders, sloppy social media, tenaciously terrible Texans, unfair ultimatums, vengeful vipers, waitresses without wardrobes, excoriated ex-executives, yechy yearbooks, and zesty zombie zwieback zigzagging through the zodiac. (Okay, actually, there is no zombie zwieback. We just couldn’t think of any z’s.)

report by U.S. Park Police in Washington, D.C., said U.S. congressman Louie Gohmert, a Republican from Tyler, was “rude and irate” and “ranting” over a $25 ticket he received for improperly parking near the Lincoln Memorial.

“BUT IF WE DOO FIND IT, URINE A LOT OF TROUBLE”

During the highly charged special session over abortion legislation, a DPS news release claimed that troopers at the Capitol entrance had confiscated jars of pee and bags of feces from protesters, who planned to hurl them from the gallery to the House floor. Several weeks later DPS officials admitted they could find no first-hand reports or evidence to support the claim.

WHERE’S SHE BEEN SINCE 16 PRETTY IN PINK CANDLES, ANYWAY?

Former teen star Molly Ringwald tweeted a picture from a Wendy Davis fundraiser with the line “Support this woman. The next governor of Houston, Texas.”

HE WAS CLEARED OF TESTICULAR HOMICIDE

During a traffic stop in Millsap, Ricky Lee Crawford told deputies he was in severe pain from a vasectomy, then fled on foot. After a brief chase, Crawford was arrested on an outstanding warrant—and charged with giving false information to a peace officer.

THE EVIDENCE WAS SELFIE-INCRIMINATING

Julio Lundez-Olmedo was arrested and charged with improper photography after an employee at the plant nursery where he worked found an iPod hidden in the women’s restroom with the video camera turned on. When detectives with the Williamson County Sheriff’s Office watched the video, they saw a clear shot of Lundez-Olmedo as he hid the camera.

IT WAS EASY TO REMOVE BUT LEFT A SLIMY, SEXIST RESIDUE

In an advertising stunt that generated widespread outrage, Hornet Signs, of Waco, covered an employee’s truck tailgate with an illustrated, photo-realistic decal of a woman lying bound with ropes in the truck’s bed.

THEY MIGHT GO BLIND BEFORE THEIR EYES HAVE EVEN DEVELOPED

During a committee hearing on a controversial bill that aimed to ban abortions twenty weeks after conception, U.S. congressman Michael Burgess, a Republican from Denton County, noted that some sonograms have shown fifteen-week-old male fetuses with their hands positioned between their legs and suggested this meant they could “feel pleasure.”

HE’S ON TRACK FOR HORSE RAPING’S TRIPLE CROWN

Hidalgo County man Cirilo Castillo was arrested and charged with trespassing and animal cruelty for performing carnal acts on a horse after he was identified on footage from security cameras that had been installed last year after Castillo’s previous tryst with the exact same horse, a mare named Nadia. This is Castillo’s second consecutive Bum Steer for inappropriate behavior with an equine, also known as sexual horseassment.

HAD HE BEEN SOBER, HE WOULD’VE REMEMBERED HIS UNITARD

Hector Sanchez was arrested when a woman reported returning to her El Paso home to find Sanchez, a stranger, drunk and dancing naked in her bathroom.

THEIR HOUSE WHINE WAS MADE WITH THE FINEST SOUR GRAPES

A note posted inside the glass of the door of the just-shuttered Sava Italiano restaurant, in Amarillo, blamed its failure on unsophisticated local diners who could not appreciate its fine cuisine. The owner, who blamed the note on disgruntled employees, is now opening a restaurant in Lubbock.

“CUT! RANDY, THIS TIME GIVE ME MORE HYPOCRISY”

Republican U.S. congressman Randy Neuge-bauer, from Lubbock, staged a media-ready confronta-tion with a park ranger at Washington, D.C.’s World War II Memorial. With news cameras rolling, he browbeat the ranger for preventing veterans from entering the memorial, which was closed as a result of the federal shutdown instigated by Neugebauer and his congressional tea party allies.

“WHERE MY THREE FAVORITE CITIES ARE MIAMI, BATON ROUGE, AND, UH …”

Speaking to a crowd in Louisiana, Governor Rick Perry said, “There are many other states that embrace those conservative values… . I’m in one today: Florida.”

GOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLL!!

Though a photo caption in the Fort Bliss Bugle read, “A soldier from 4th Bn., 27th FA Regt., 2nd BCT, 1st AD, grabs a rebound during a basketball game,” the man pictured was actually playing beach volleyball.

IT’S HARD BEING WHITE ALL THE TIME

Viewers of the 24-hour live video stream from CBS’s reality show Big Brother saw cast member Aaryn Gries, a model and Texas State University student, make bluntly racist, xenophobic, and homophobic remarks about, and to, her fellow cast members. Soon after, she was voted off the show and fired by her Austin modeling agency.

THE REAL ISSUE WAS THAT HIS BODY LINER WAS BROWN

As he drove from Austin to his home in Edinburg, former state legislator and Republican political consultant Aaron Peña was detained and aggressively interrogated by officers from the Robstown Police Department and U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement, who, among other things, demanded to know why his truck’s bed liner was tan.

COME AND TAKE IT, YOU BIG HOSER

Press materials for the Syfy channel movie Chupacabra vs. the Alamo revealed that the film was shot in Vancouver.

HIS DRIVING REALLY COST HIM THAT DAY

Michael Dane Mitchell was arrested for DWI in Amarillo after crashing through a golf course fence. When police responded, they found that Mitchell had continued steering his 2004 Pontiac around the course but quickly got the car stuck in a fifth-hole sand trap.

SHE LATER CLARIFIED, “BUT SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE DISGUSTING”

Unaware that she was being recorded, San Antonio councilwoman Elisa Chan made ardently homophobic comments—such as “I think it’s just disgusting to even think about”—while strategizing with aides about how to oppose the city’s proposed antidiscrimination ordinance without seeming homophobic.

FIFTY SHADES OF GRADE SCHOOL

A Judson ISD teacher and a teacher’s aide resigned after admitting to district officials that they had punished a rambunctious second grader by duct-taping his ankles and wrists together and lashing tape around his belly to strap him to his chair.

“BUDDY, YOU WANNA SPECIFY THE HOUSES, IT’S GONNA COST YOU MORE”

A demolition contractor hired by the city of Fort Worth to tear down condemned buildings demolished the wrong house on two separate occasions.

LEAVE CIRILO CASTILLO OUT OF THIS!

Discussing a

More Texas Monthly

Loading, please wait...

Most Read

  • Viewed
  • Past:
  • 1 week