Book ’Em Horns

Highlights from two football weekend's worth of UT Campus Watch, the University of Texas police department's blotter. 
Wed September 12, 2012 9:20 pm
Flickr | Randall Chancellor

“Arrests for alcohol up in wake of A&M loss,” was the headline on a story in the Bryan-College Station Eagle Monday.

Well, duh. Talk about dog-bites-man.

The Aggies may have racked up seven public intoxication arrests and two DUIs after Saturday’s home opener against Florida, but when it comes to football weekend crime reports, this is one win that we’re giving to the Horns: The University of Texas police department’s infamous “Campus Watch” is, in its own way, as great a treasure as the Lufkin police blotter.

That’s largely due to its primary writer, Crime Prevention Unit officer Darrell Halstead, whose writing style is part Dashiell Hammett and part Dorothy Parker. (We might be exaggerating a little. As does Officer Halstead.) 

While Halstead always includes serious advice about sobriety, personal safety and theft prevention, he’s also known for certain euphemisms, including the phrases, “personal splash zone,” “legendary four-legged stall creature,” and “unidentified leafy green substance.”

One recent entry read, “The student was wearing evidence that she had also had had an extreme physical reaction to the over consumption of alcohol. However, she was not wearing the evidence well.”

Another unfortunate student was said to be having “a personal Shakespearian (sic) moment, a ‘To Pee or Not to Pee’ moment.”

Yesterday, Halstead even got political:

One way to combat pickpockets is to take a large rubber band and wrap it around your wallet. This will help you detect that someone other than the government has their hand in your wallet.

Of course, there’s no time quite like fall semester and the football season. As Halstead deadpanned on August 29:

“A number of subscribers have noted the following: The students are back. Yes they are.”

Below, a few favorites from the past two weeks, mostly centered around UT’s September 1 game against Wyoming and the September 8 contest against New Mexico, both of which had evening kickoffs, for extra alcohol-related fun. We’ve  bolded the best parts for your amusement:

BELMONT HALL, 2109 San Jacinto Blvd.
Possession of Alcohol by a Minor: A UT student was observed attempting to conceal a zebra-striped “floppy flask” inside his boot. The officer soon learned the student was under the legal age to be in possession alcohol. The student was issued a court appearance citation for Possession of Alcohol by a Minor. Occurred on: 9-08-12, at 8:12 PM.

DKR TEXAS MEMORIAL STADIUM, 2200 Robert Dedman Dr.
Assault: Officers responded to Section 25 on a reported disturbance. During the investigation, the officers learned the suspect had been smoking a cigarette and was asked to put it out. The suspect took his cigarette and put it out on the victim’s arm. That action led to another action that was equal to or greater than the first action and a fight ensued. The victim refused to file charges and the suspect was ejected from the stadium. Occurred on: 9-08-12, at 9:07 PM.

DKR TEXAS MEMORIAL STADIUM, 2200 Robert Dedman Dr.
Possession of Alcohol by a Minor: A UT student was observed attempting to conceal a 16-oz Vitamin Water bottle that contained an amber colored liquid. The liquid had a strong alcoholic odor when the bottle was opened. The officer learned the student was under the legal age of 21 and was issued a court appearance citation for Possession of Alcohol by a Minor and ejected from the stadium. Occurred on: 9-08-12, at 6:10 PM.

JESTER WEST DORMITORY, 201 East 21st Street
Possession of Marijuana: UT Police Officers responded to a 4th floor dormitory room on a reported odor of burning marijuana. The officers knocked on the door. One of the residence answered the door and then shut it. The officers heard the student exclaim, “the cops are here and I don’t know what to do.” After several minutes, the student realized the cops were not leaving and opened the door and allowed the police inside the room. Once inside, the officers detected a stronger odor of burned marijuana and observed 4 students in the room. During the investigation, the officers noted the student’s eyes were red and bloodshot. One student claimed ownership to a plastic baggie containing marijuana. The student was issued a court appearance citation for Possession of Marijuana. Occurred on: 9-09-12, at 8:31 PM.

NORTH END

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