Meet the King of the Breastaurant™ Empire

Doug Guller owns Bikinis, the "World's Only Breastaurant" chain. And if he has his way, soon he'll own a lot more.
Wed October 9, 2013 8:45 pm
Doug Guller, owner of the Bikinis restaurant chain, presents Carmen Electra with a bronze cast of her chest during the grand opening of a new "town" called Bikinis, Texas.
Photograph by Arnold Wells

Today MTV has loosed upon the world  Big Tips Texas, a faux-reality show about the buxom waitresses of Lewisville’s Southern-stripper-themed restaurant, Redneck Heaven. Judging from  the promos, the fourteen-episode arc will focus primarily on drinking, cussing, screwing, and fighting, with frequent subplots involving betrayal, name-calling, applying to Harvard, and other cable-friendly degradations of contemporary Gomorrah. It could be worse.

It makes perfect sense to choose Texas as the show’s locale. Our state has recently become a sort of corporate headquarters for breast-n-something themed eateries, due in large part to the state’s rising breastauranteur, Doug Guller. While others in his very specific line of food-service prefer to play footsie with innuendos, Guller would much rather skip the foreplay. “Bikinis” is his restaurant. And in it there is nary an allusion to the Marshall Islands or atomic bombs. As if to bring home the point, this spring Guller applied for—and was granted—a trademark on the ubiquitous portmanteau, “breastaurant.” Legally speaking, Bikinis really is the “World’s only breastaurant.” And in his quest for continued breastaurant domination, Guller bought a “town” this year, renamed it Bikinis, Texas, and is banking on the idea that an actual Redneck Heaven can arise just beyond the city limits of Fredericksburg.

The idea that a heterosexual male would pass up an easy opportunity to attend the grand opening of a town explicitly dedicated

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