So You Want to Be a Redneck

Rednecks are In. Here’s how to tell the imitation from the real thang.

*Disclaimer: This article contains language from a different era; some phrases may be offensive. 

Rednecks are more confused than ever. First Nixon’s peccadillo, then King Redneck George Wallace voluntarily sitting on the same stage with Teddy Kennedy last July 4th, and now that kid down the street whose daddy owns the hardware store comes home from college looking like a lineal descendant of Natty Bumppo with his Big Mac overalls and blue work shirt and red bandana, smoking that nasty roll-your-own BuIl-of-the-Woods cigarette, squinting a lot, and asking about pickup suspension loads.

In a masterpiece of irony, the culture has spawned the Pseudo-Redneck, a hippie look-alike who yearns to spend his days staggering under a wheelbarrow of manure, grubbing under the topsoil, and listening to Merle Haggard, all financed by pa’s hardware store.

Here in the mid-Seventies we discover that the latest Guru is the Man of The Soil, The Real Man. He is known by his ringing ax and long Kentucky rifle, a romantic hybrid of Lester Maddox and Euell Gibbons.

Because the twain seldom if ever meet, Rednecks don’t know they are the subject of this furious adoration. They continue to eye the vermin with the benign twinkle of a pit viper and go on hating queers, niggers, welfare, rock and roll, and the press.

They, as well as you, need a guide to tell the shamans from the sod busters. Study the Guide on the next two pages and turn your crafty, slow-witted peasant smile into a cynical knowing sneer when addressing the next fresh-faced Jack Armstrong on the manufacture of smearcase and clabber.

Bumper Stickers 

Real Rednecks: If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns – Pseudo Rednecks: Farenthold

Soda Water 

Real Rednecks: Big Red – Pseudo Rednecks: Dr Pepper

Jobs 

Real Rednecks: Union (plumbers,electricians, etc.) – Pseudo Rednecks: Students; carpenters

Motorcycle

Real Rednecks: Harley Davidson-hog – Pseudo Rednecks: Honda; Yamaha

Vacation Spots 

Real Rednecks: Six Flags; Astrodome – Pseudo Rednecks: Galveston; Mexico

Games Played 

Real Rednecks: Dominoes; pool; bowling – Pseudo Rednecks: Foosball

Conversational Topics 

Real Rednecks: Sex; jobs; cars; hunting;

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