The design for James Harden’s first signature shoe with Adidas leaked on Tuesday, and it’s not pretty. How’d you like to slip into these babies?
New James Harden signature shoes dissed after photos leaked online https://t.co/f3LOdirqWX By @rhoelfernandez
— SPIN.ph (@spinph) August 24, 2016
These are not basketball shoes. These are the throw-aways you wear when the septic tank overflows and you have to go out and drain the backyard. The internet, appetite apparently whet again after devouring Steph Curry’s similarly horrifying all-white Under Armour sneakers a few months ago, had a field day ripping the Houston Rockets star’s very un-fresh kicks:
James harden really made sneakers for grandpa Joe from Charlie and the Chocolate factory pic.twitter.com/zo8M0vdOoG
— Desus Nice (@desusnice) August 24, 2016
Harden's new shoe should come with a carton of cigarettes and a box cutter pic.twitter.com/0XbXCNYW4t
— ☕netw3rk (@netw3rk) August 24, 2016
They really gave James Harden a used Walmart steel-toed work boot
— Vann R. Newkirk II (@fivefifths) August 24, 2016
I, for one, celebrate James Harden's tribute to Vincent Van Gough pic.twitter.com/ngYF6piGXl
— Contrarian Librarian (@basquiatball) August 24, 2016
James Harden's signature shoes look like something Geppetto would carve for Pinocchio pic.twitter.com/LI8zw4iUqg
— Jensen Karp (@JensenClan88) August 24, 2016
James Harden new signature shoe looks like it was inspired by a Dickens novel. pic.twitter.com/8ONBkwAq4o
— Jason Jason (@JasonJason333) August 24, 2016
While the “Triple Black” color is the only version that’s been released so far, we hear it’s also available in two scratch-and-sniff scents: shower drain gunk and dank warehouse. They come in several sizes, none of which will properly fit you. If you’re really into the new Hardens, you can pre-order the retro-chic mid-2000s Lunchroom Loner bundle, which include a pair of attachable wheelies, a pack of Yu-Gi-Oh cards, and a black dragon-print button down shirt.
I'm #Rockets all day but why do James Harden's signature shoes look like my grass mowing kicks?!? pic.twitter.com/H7uVREn8YR
— Vinny Hardy (@VinnyHardy) August 24, 2016
Does James Harden have gout? WTF his shoes look like they're from the clearance section at the Rockport outlet store pic.twitter.com/lc70XUuYEk
— Jake O'Donnell (@_JakeODonnell) August 24, 2016
Adidas "Line Cook" 3s pic.twitter.com/QaOlcZ3XFJ
— mike mulloy (@fakemikemulloy) August 23, 2016
"Children of men dystopian future where civilization done collapsed" 5's pic.twitter.com/EyshkdXkfE
— Desus Nice (@desusnice) August 24, 2016
james harden signature kicks look like u brew prison wine in em pic.twitter.com/DajjXXYl57
— Four Pins (@Four_Pins) August 24, 2016
Finally Harden makes a basketball shoe for me, a waiter at Chili's. pic.twitter.com/Etw6Ihl0bQ
— Jordan Pryor (@jordodale) August 24, 2016
It looks like Harden’s beard broke up with his face and ran away to be with his feet. There’s also a possibility that Harden and Adidas are simply trying to break into the Irish clogger market. But, to be fair, these would go great with literally anything Michael Jordan wears.
Harden still gets the last laugh. The deal he signed with Adidas last year is worth $200 million over thirteen years. It’s unclear what kind of return-on-investment Adidas will get, but if they somehow help Harden play better defense, though, then everyone wins.