Five years ago, dear readers, we brought forth a magazine promising “no Bum Steers or bluebonnets.” Goodness knows we tried. No bluebonnets have yet graced these pages, but with Dolph, Farrah, Aggies, and all the rest . . . well, sometimes even Jimmy Carter has trouble keeping his promises. Speaking of whom, we’ve found a spot for him too.
IF YOU GOT THE MONEY, I GOT THE TIME
Just before President Carter said he was too busy to meet with Texas farm workers who had walked 1500 miles to see him, the President met with singer Willie Nelson.
DROP THAT GUN OR I’LL SHOOT
While practicing her quick draw, a Dallas policewoman shot a mirror in the women’s locker room.
MURRAY THE SAVIOR IS BORN
Baytown School Superintendent John Clark ruled that if Christmas carols were sung in school, the name of Christ could not be mentioned.
WE STILL CAN’T FOLLOW IT, DALE. WOULD YOU SHOW US AGAIN?
In a speech on U.S. defense policy, Congressman Dale Milford of Grand Prairie explained how Russian roulette works: “One loads up the cylinder of a revolver with bullets in all cartridge holes except one.”
WAKE ME WHEN IT’S OVER
A Scholastic magazine survey of 14,000 junior and senior high school students found that America’s youth consider Farrah Fawcett to be their number one personal hero. . . . the Houston Art Directors Club auctioned off a framed red satin powder puff once used by, yes, Farrah Fawcett. . . . A Farmers Branch junior high school assistant principal suspended 29 students after they walked out of school to protest his ban of T-shirts showing, sigh, Farrah Fawcett in a swimsuit. . . . Bertha Isabell, you-know-who’s aunt, said in Corpus Christi, “Farrah is so sweet. She will not do a movie that calls for any parts of the body to be shown.” . . . And last, after suing comedian Redd Foxx for $7 million, the Queen Mother said of her daughter, “She’s never really done anything. No one knows why people like her. They just like to look at her.”
THOU SHALT NOT STEAL, BUT THOU MAY COPY
Billy Graham’s new Waco publisher admitted that 17 per cent of Graham’s new book was lifted from a previous Graham book put out by his old publisher in 1965.
HOW COME THIS NEVER HAPPENS TO KOJAK?
After stopping Kateri Ewing for a traffic violation, Dallas policeman C.W. Cottongame dropped his cigarette butt on the ground and Ewing charged him with littering. He paid a $15 fine.
THEY MEANT SWEET AND SOUR DOG
The El Paso Times ran a retraction after they printed a classified ad for the Moon Garden Restaurant seeking a Cantonese cook who could prepare barbecued dog.
GOOD THING HE DIDN’T GO ON A SLOW
After Dallas State Representative Sam Hudson went on a 68-day fast to protest that his 92 bills were bottled up in committee, the House passed two of them.
Dallas followers of Maharishi Mahesh Yogi’s Transcendental Meditation said they had learned to float in the air, pass through solid objects, and disappear.
FILL IT WITH EMBALMING FLUID AND CHECK THE OIL
Socialite Sandra Illene West was buried in a San Antonio cemetery seated in her blue 1964 Ferrari.
WE KNOW WE DID IT, BUT HOW?
Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flynt announced he would pattern his respectable new magazine, Ohio, after Texas Monthly. Flynt accepted Christ 11 weeks later.
ENOUGH OF THIS PUSSYFOOTING AROUND! TEAR OUT THEIR FINGERNAILS, PUT ‘EM ON THE RACK, DRAW AND QUARTER ‘EM, BOIL ‘EM IN OIL. THEN SLAP THEM ON THE WRIST
Objecting to a bill to change capital punishment from electrocution to a lethal injection, State Representative T.H. McDonald of Mesquite said he didn’t believe in giving criminals just a slap on the wrist.
DON’T WORRY. THEY’VE BEEN TRYING TO DEVELOP A SMART AGGIE FOR YEARS.
Church’s Fried Chicken asked Texas A&M researchers to take the heat out of jalapeno peppers.
WHERE IS GERALD FORD WHEN WE NEED HIM MOST?
Austin Mayor Carole McClellan, helping kick off a campaign to renovate a downtown theater, swung a sledgehammer at a tile and smashed the glass in the theater’s ticket booth. At subsequent ceremonies, she shattered a pane of glass at Goodwill Industries and knocked a gong out of a tree at Scholz Garden.
THAT’S NO ACORN. THAT’S A NUT.
Dallas County Sheriff Carl Thomas put gold filigree fronds and acorns on his cap and a cluster of five stars on his uniform collar.
The Ku Klux Klan announced it would patrol the U.S.-Mexican border in an effort to apprehend illegal aliens.
FLY ME, I’M SADISTIC
After the State Department inadvertently issued visas, twelve Ugandan police helicopter pilots, described by a former U.S. ambassador as Idi Amin’s “handpicked henchmen and killers,” enrolled in a refresher course at Bell Helicopter in Fort Worth.
AND IF HE DID, HE HAS TO GO TO JAIL
The Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals must decide whether Duval County boss George Parr skipped bond when he committed suicide.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE FUNNY-LOOKING FOOT?
During the Cullen Davis murder trial in Amarillo, Fort Worth socialite Priscilla Davis was shown a picture of her former boyfriend W.T. Rufner, who was nude except for a candy-striped stocking over his genitals. Priscilla said, “I recognize the face. I don’t recognize the sock.”
SURE. HERE’S 2 SPEECHWRITERS, 25 GENERALS, AND 153 DEPUTY ASSISTANT UNDERSECRETARIES. AND WE’LL THROW IN BERT LANCE
After Hondo was refused federal aid because its unemployment was too low, Mayor Woodrow Glasscock asked President Carter for a list of 180 welfare-collecting loafers he could ask to live in Hondo.
ALSO GIVE ME THIRTY MINUTES
Asked if she could identify a man who stood naked outside her apartment whistling to her, a Dallas housewife told police officers, “Only if he was nude and standing fifty feet away.”
OTHERWISE HE WAS COMPLETELY UNQUALIFIED
Edward Williams, Jr., who pled guilty in 1968 to faking his death and burial in a scheme to defraud a finance company, was appointed to the San Antonio City Planning Commission.
FIRST THEY HAVE TO LEARN TO TELL TIME
Texas A&M lost to Arkansas 26-20 when the Aggies ran out of time on the Arkansas 15-yard line because they had forgotten to use their last two time-outs.
TOMORROW I’LL BE FOGGY AND BALMY
Testifying against a new probe into the assassination of John Kennedy, Congressman Dale Milford told colleagues he was part of a TV news team providing round-the-clock coverage. When, in response to a question, Milford said he participated in the newscasts as a weatherman, the hearing broke up in laughter.
AT LEAST HE DIDN’T SHOW THEM WHERE MOMMY WAS BURIED
A Fort Hood soldier, stopped for a traffic violation, was talking with officers when his three-year-old son produced a .38 caliber revolver and told police, “My daddy has a gun just like yours.” Then, pointing to a paper sack, he added, “He keeps his dope right there.”
FORTUNATELY HE SURRENDERED BEFORE THEY HAD TO NUKE OAK CLIFF
Dallas officials opened 20 fire hydrants and emptied five million gallons of water into northwest Dallas streets in an effort to flush out a fugitive believed to be hiding in a storm sewer. The fugitive was ten miles away in Oak Cliff.
THE RINGERS GAVE THEMSELVES AWAY WHEN THEY REFUSED TO BEAT UP THE MEXICAN BATBOY
Travis County Sheriff Raymond Frank’s softball team was disqualified from a law enforcement league after it was discovered that he had stacked his team with five ringers from the UT varsity baseball team.
WE LIKE OURS CRUSTY ON THE OUTSIDE
Two Girl Scout leaders in Austin burned their uniforms to protest the organization’s support of the Equal Rights Amendment.
HE’LL GIVE IT A TRY, THOUGH
Asked if he preferred grass or AstroTurf, pitcher Tug McGraw said, “I dunno. I never smoked AstroTurf.”
TRUE, BUT IN THOSE DAYS HE WORE A PARACHUTE
The defense attorney for two Houston policeman charged in the drowning death of Joe Campos Torres told the jury, “Jumping off the bank into the bayou was no big thing for a former paratrooper such as Torres.”
BUT YOU SHOULD HEAR THEM SING SOPRANO
Laboratory-raised sterile flies, developed by UT zoologists to mate with and eradicate screwworm flies, turned out to be useless because they were lazy, slept too late, and couldn’t fly as well as potent ones.
IT’S NOT WORTH A DIME. HE WAS AIMING AT A SPECTATOR.
A Dallas family paid $15,000 for a golf ball former President Ford had hit for a hole in one.
THAT’S THE GOOD NEWS. THE BAD NEWS IS THEY WERE DONATED BY FREDERICK’S OF HOLLYWOOD.
Outraged at pictures of scantily-clad women outside adult bookstores and clubs, the Houston director of the Reverend Sun Myung Moon’s Unification Church pasted dresses over them.
LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE. IT COULD HAVE BEEN THE PRIVY
After Sunnyvale city officials made a road one way, Fred Motley had to drive five miles to reach his barn, located 100 yards from his house.
HAVING WONDERFUL TIME, WISH YOU WERE HERE
Henry Coleman, Jr., complained to the Texas Court of Criminal Appeals of his troubles with the Killeen police, who, he said (1) pitched a snake into his car; (2) threw a small bomb under his car where it exploded, blowing the hubcaps off a nearby vehicle; (3) pointed a shotgun at him to force him to confess to a crime he hadn’t committed; (4) entered his house, threw him to the floor, and kneed him the back; and (5) arrested him on robbery, firearms, and gambling charges, which were all dismissed.
TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE
Governor Dolph Briscoe appointed a dead man to a three-year term on the State Health Advisory Committee.
THAT MAKES THE DRIEST SPOT IN TEXAS THE STATE CAPITOL
A Navy weather specialist claimed in Lubbock that cattle manure was responsible for the reduction of rain in the Texas Panhandle.
YOU USE THEM TO MAKE COMMUNION NACHOS
On his first trip to meet Pope Paul, San Antonio Bishop Patricio Flores took a gallon of jalapeños to give to the pontiff.
NEXT YEAR HE WAS GOING TO BUILD A GIANT DASHBOARD TO MOUNT IT ON
A Dallas evangelist was sentenced for fraud after he promised to bring a 2000-seat plastic cathedral to Grand Rapids, Michigan.
SOMEWHERE IN THE CITY AN AIR BAG STALKS THE STREETS
Senator Lloyd Bentsen compared automobiles without air bags to New York killer Son of Sam.
STANDING IT IN THE CORNER DIDN’T WORK
An Austin man found battering his 1966 Cutlass with a baseball bat said that it wouldn’t start and he was teaching it a lesson.
GOING . . . GOING . . . SOLD TO THE MAN IN THE TRENCH COAT
Harris County sheriff’s deputies seized pornographic materials from Mr. Peeper’s Book Store, then auctioned them back for $100 to the store’s owner.
AND WHILE YOU’RE AT IT, CALL ME ANTOINE
Dallas Cowboy halfback Tony Dorsett announced he wanted his last name pronounced Dor-SETT.
After robbing a Montgomery Ward store, Houstonian J. B. Hall fled to what he thought was an abandoned Job Corps center, only to find that it had recently been converted into a prison.
THEY’RE INTO LEATHER HARPS
Billy Graham said that angels have relationships that are far more thrilling and exciting than sex.
AQUA VELVA WORKS JUST AS WELL
Rapel, a new rape-prevention product, is a vial of concentrated skunk oil that a threatened woman is supposed to pour over herself to repulse attackers.
HAVE YOUR NEXT EMERGENCY AT BEAUTIFUL BRACKENRIDGE
A California doctor recommended that Austin’s Brackenridge Hospital emergency room could make money by improving its image.
FOURTH ANNUAL TWO TIN CANS AND A THREAD AWARD
Levi Guzman and his wife, Sadie, held in the Travis County jail on attempted capital murder and possession of heroin charges, communicated with each other by bailing water out of their commodes and shouting through the plumbing.
“HELLO, THIS IS MY MOTHER . . . ”
A fifteen-year-old boy got his brother released from a juvenile detention home by dressing in a wig and fur coat and impersonating his mother.
THE PRINCIPAL TOURED A HEN HOUSE BUT DIDN’T PASS
Ruby Begonia V, Cuero’s racing turkey, took a tour of a Cuero elementary school and received a fifth-grade diploma.
ANOTHER BUTTON FEEDS HIM TO THE PIRANHAS
Members of the audience at a Baylor College of Medicine auditorium in Houston can push a “negative” button to show the speaker their displeasure.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE PRESS, Z-Z-Z-Z-Z
After setting a new world record by staying awake for 11 days, 18 hours, and 15 minutes, Ricardo Vielmann of San Antonio missed his press conference because he fell asleep.
THE “BEST BRAIN” CONTEST WAS CANCELED THIS YEAR DUE TO LACK OF CONTESTANTS
The Buffalo Jills, cheerleaders for the Buffalo Bills, challenged Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders to decide who has the best legs.
THE JUDGE IS THE SHORT ONE IN THE SUIT
U.S. Senator John Tower went to Cuero to judge the annual race between the fastest turkeys in Texas and Minnesota.
WE THINK IT WAS WORTH EVERY PENNY
Congressional candidate Ron Paul reported he spend $554,348 running for Congress, more than anyone else in the United States—and lost.
DEEP IN THE HEART OF DARKNESS
Hearing shouts of “Kill!”, cars honking, and people throwing things, Nigerian tourist Allen Aroyewun fled his Dallas hotel the night before the UT-OU game and asked a policeman if a revolution had broken out.
AND UNDERNEATH THEY’RE ALL WEARING MATTRESSES
The Grand Giant of the Dallas Ku Klux Klan proposed to rid the Cedar Springs area of streetwalkers by having 500 Klansmen patrol the area wearing sheets.
AFTER THAT, WE CURE THEIR ACNE
A Houston high school sent the following memo to parents: “Our school’s cross-graded, multiethnic, individualized learning program is designed to enhance the concept of an open-ended learning program with emphasis on a continuum of multiethnic, academically enriched learning using the identified intellectually gifted child as the agent or director of his own learning. Major emphasis is on cross-graded, multiethnic learning with the main objective being to learn respect for the uniqueness of a person.”
IN THE SPIRIT OF THE SOCIETY FOR THE ELIMINATION OF ANTI-POLISH HUMOR, WE HAVE NO COMMENT
The Cameron County city of Kopernik Shores, made up of 27 ex-Chicagoans of Polish descent, was dissolved by a judge after it was revealed that the signers of the incorporation petition thought they were signing a petition to get water.
WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH, THE TOUGH GET AIR-CONDITIONED
After refusing to move kick-off time from 4 p.m. to 7:30 p.m., UT President Lorene Rogers asked the university to build her an air-conditioned box in Memorial Stadium, with bathroom and kitchen, so she wouldn’t have to perspire during Longhorn games.
HE MADE UP FOR IT THOUGH. ON THE WAY BACK HE MADE A DOWN PAYMENT ON THE BROOKLYN BRIDGE
Governor and Mrs. Dolph Briscoe were swindled out of $3700 for a phony debutante presentation and ball honoring their daughter Cele in Europe.
THE OTHERS WERE HIDING OUT AT THE WARWICK
Looking for fugitives, Travis County Sheriff Raymond Frank took six weekend trips to Houston and stayed in the posh Houston Oaks Hotel. He caught only one.
WE DON’T KNOW ABOUT THE CHEEKS, BUT WE KNOW WHERE THE ASSES ARE
Radio station KTFM in San Antonio sponsored a Derriere Derby, looking for “the best fannies, the best-dressed buns, the best set of cheeks.”
MAYBE HE’S THINKING OF THE LAST PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION
Although the Republic of Texas was annexed to the Union by treaty in 1845, President Carter told a Denver audience, “There is no resemblance between the status of the Panama Canal Zone and Texas or Alaska that were bought and paid for.”
THE OTHER 90 PER CENT DIE FROM THE FOOD
A Houston nutrition specialist told a New York audience that 10 per cent of the people who die in hospitals starve to death.
IF IT WEREN’T FOR THE HONOR, I’D . . .
At the National Organization for Women’s state convention in San Antonio, Congresswoman Elaine Noble declared Mayor Lila Cockrell an honorary lesbian.
THE OTHER THREE GOT AWAY
A check of a sixteen-man construction crew hired to build a detention center for the Immigration and Naturalization Service revealed that thirteen of the workers were illegal aliens.
THE ONLY CLUES WERE A WHITE SUIT AND A LITTLE WHITE BEARD
Austin thieves stole Ted Wenk’s $320 go-cart after feeding fried chicken to the pet cougar he had guarding it.
“LEE ALWAYS HAD THAT EFFECT ON ME”
Watching the TV special, The Trial of Lee Harvey Oswald, Marina Oswald Porter fell asleep.
SHE WAS DISGUISED AS A MOUSE
A 100-pound Houston policewoman captured Big Lydia, a 9000-pound Indian elephant, after Lydia had eluded ten police cars, run over two parked cars, and careened into a building.
YOU KNOW. IT’S LIKE AN EDSEL BUT THE ENGINE DOESN’T WORK
A presidential press aide, after being informed that Dolph Briscoe was supposed to meet with federal officials at the White House, replied, “What’s a Briscoe?”