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Bum Gifts

Twenty titter-producing trinkets and toys, from a Leatherface action figure and a Houston Texans Christmas Village to a Texas Shriner doll and a snap-on longneck top for boring ol' cans.

By January 2004Comments

PETCool, an air conditioner for doghouses, from PETCool Technologies, of Spring, petcool.com ($349).

Four-pack of Liquid Love, an aphrodisiac beverage that “combines natural and exotic ingredients known to stir and empower our most intimate desires,” according to its manufacturer, the Love Factor, of Dallas, thelovefactor.com ($19.95).

Houston Texans Christmas Village, a set of light-up buildings that include the stadium gate, diner, and station and that are depicted surrounded by snow, from Hawthorne Village, collectiblestoday.com ($49.95 each issue).

Dallas Cowboys Express, an illuminated electric train set decorated with the team’s colors, players, and symbols, from Hawthorne Village, collectiblestoday.com ($69.95 per piece). Bonus: There is a Houston Texans version.

Bomb Saddam Mad Blast Habanero Hot Sauce, with a tiny black beret atop the lid, from Hot Sauce Harry’s, of Dallas, hotsauceharrys.com ($5.95).

Love Your Country But Fear Your Government Hot Sauce, with a stars, stripes, and camouflage label, from Austin Spice Company, of Austin, austinspice.com ($5).

Road Rage Remedy, a CD of 71 minutes of soothing classical music (such as Dvorak’s New World Symphony), compiled by radio station WRR, of Dallas, wrr101.com ($12.99).

T-shirt commenting on the intelligence level of Texas’s governor, from zzzingers.com ($16).

Hydroslide Tow-a-Bull Tube that bucks and twists as it’s pulled behind a boat, from Dick’s Sporting Goods, dickssportinggoods.com ($99.99).

Leatherface twelve-inch action figure, featuring the scary star of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake in a blood-drenched apron, from Sideshow Toys, order through http://shop.store.yahoo.com/cmdstore/lemohocltech.html ($34.95).

Yao Ming bobble-head doll, clad in Houston Rockets uniform, from stuff2collect.com ($19.95).

Texas Shriner doll, an eight-inch toy with tasseled fez, vest, and Western buckle, from Two Daydreamers Collectible Dolls, twodaydreamers.com ($350).

Molly, the Littlest Longhorn, a porcelain cheerleader doll with, uh, porcelain skin, true-blue eyes, and orange-and-black pom-poms, from the Danbury Mint, danburymintsports.com ($99).

Souvenir thong underwear in black, white, or pink and embroidered “Stay ZaZa,” from Dallas’s Hotel ZaZa ($12).

2004 beefcake calendar of male gardening buffs, aged 32 to 90, in the buff, from the First Men’s Garden Club of Dallas, dallasgardeners.org ($15).

2004 Space Art calendar of thirteen original paintings by astronaut Alan Bean, from RML Productions, of Helotes, calendardepot.com ($13.95).

2004 Sugar Artists of Austin calendar, featuring elaborate cakes from twelve bakeries and restaurants, including a guitar cake, a roast-turkey cake, a purple-boots cake, a lit-up UT-Tower cake, and for September, a three-foot-tall whitetail buck cake “iced in buttercream with coat details and shading airbrushed. The nose is made of fondant and the large antler rack is made with royal icing covering a wire form,” from allinonebakeshop.com ($11.95).

T-shirt expressing lack of solidarity with Ted Kennedy’s political beliefs, with the back showing the Massachusetts senator’s face on a Budweiser can spoof and the front stating, “Kennedy: Don’t Mess With Texas”; issued just in time for the fortieth anniversary of JFK’s assassination; from the Texas A&M chapter of Young Conservatives of Texas, yct.tamu.edu/buy.asp ($15).

Bottle It, a snap-on longneck top that instantly transforms a can into a more authentically Texan beverage container, from UniquelyTexas.com ($2.98).

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