Finally, a news story that rehabilitates the reputation of gigantic breast implants.

That’s right. No more shall we associate this quintessentially Texan (yeah, yeah . . . everything’s bigger) invention with medical complications, the tragedy of Anna Nicole Smith, or the 1998 People’s Court lawsuit where a Florida man (where else?) claimed that he suffered whiplash from the force and weight of stripper and porn star Tawny Peaks’s 69HH breasts. 

Instead, thanks to Kingwood resident Sheyla Hershey, we can now say this: like fish oil supplements, volunteer fire departments, and punctuation, breast implants save lives! 

Hershey, a native of Brazil, says that her 38KKK breasts spared her from serious injury when she crashed her Ford Mustang into a tree on Super Bowl Sunday. She has been charged with (and has pled not guilty to) a DWI (or, as we prefer to call it, a DDDWI).

Hershey says she wasn’t drinking, but does take prescription drugs. It might go without saying (but we’ll say it anyway) that no law enforcement officer, doctor, or forensics expert has confirmed her theory of, as the blog Interested Participant put it, “Fun Bags as Air Bags.” 

Fox 26 Houston aired an exclusive interview last night:

Fox 26’s report calls Hershey “a famous Brazilian model,” which really translates to “professional-haver-of-giant-breasts.” In addition to her own website, YouTube channel, and social media presence (what, you want more cleavage? Google them yourself!), Hershey is slated to be on the TLC reality show “My Strange Addiction.”

That addiction would be silicone and saline. As ABC News reported in 2008, Hershey’s breasts are far bigger than Texas law allows, so she has had much of her surgery done in either Mexico or South America. In 2010, she had to have her then-38MMM implants removed due to infection, but this past fall she had them done again. 

“My breasts had become part of me and I was deformed without them. I felt like I had lost a leg,” Hershey was quoted as saying in the U.K. tabloid the Sun

Several news reports this week, including the Houston Chronicles Newswatch blog (citing U.K. tabloid the Daily Mail) said Hershey once held the Guinness record for world’s largest breasts.

But a 2010 Huffington Post story, quoting Hershey’s own website (which requires registration), said she “has been awarded with the Brazilian equivalent of the Guinness Book of World records award” (emphasis ours). In any case, she’s not even in competition with the actual Guinness record holder for the world’s largest natural breasts.

According to U.K. tabloid the Daily Mirror (have you figured out the common thread in all this coverage yet?) Hershey is due back in a Montgomery County court March 28.