The Wise County Messenger‘s Kristen Tribe took to her column to grumble that the TM Daily Post has overlooked the hilarity of the paper’s police blotter, writing:
Wise County is victim of a gross injustice.
Despite a crime report that can elicit laughter from even our most serious readers, it has failed to capture the attention of the clever writers at Texas Monthly. …
[O]ne of [the TM Daily Post’s] regular posts is “Meanwhile, in Lufkin” which includes the monthly highlights of the Lufkin police blotter, as read in the Lufkin Daily News.
Not to take anything away from the East Texas highjinks, but Wise County is also a hot bed of ridiculous crime, crazy criminals and eye-popping problems.
Tribe later cedes that Lufkin’s police blotter may be more richly detailed. “Perhaps the only thing the Lufkin has on us are the specifics,” she wrote.
With this criticism in mind, we decided to conduct an unscientific survey of both police blotters. After combing through the last six months for notable moments, we tallied 22 gems from the Wise County Messenger and 49 items from the Lufkin Daily News.
Perhaps this is not quite a fair fight. Lufkin, after all, is in East Texas, perhaps one of the strangest corners of the nation, and Wise County sits some forty miles northwest of the Metroplex. Angelina County is also more populated, with 86,771 people to Wise County’s 59,127, according to the 2010 Census.
While Lufkin still weirder, pound for pound, the Wise County Messenger does have a surfeit of absurd crime of its own. We’ve collated 22 items from the Wise County Messenger since last November below:
“Several residents stopped a woman and chastised her because she had been speeding down the road.”
“A couple going through a break-up called the Sheriff’s Office to help them mediate their disagreements.”
“A homeowner in Boonsville reported that he found a bottle of rubbing alcohol and the remnants of a small fire made out of twigs on the floor in his shed. He had no idea how they got there.”
“In the latest episode of an ongoing dispute between neighbors, one of them tossed a dead rat at the other one and went inside.”
“A couple living in Briar got into an argument over baking flour.”
“A man returned to his home in Poolville after being gone for several days to discover a cat locked in one of the rooms. He also noticed that the microwave door was mysteriously open.”
“A boy at a home in Chico had ‘cold hot chocolate’ thrown at him after he mouthed off to his mother’s boyfriend.”
“A family got into an argument over a son’s lifestyle choices.”
“Cigarettes and a dog grooming kit were burglarized from a trailer home.”
“A man reported that his neighbor spilled paint all over his porch. The neighbors said it was just an accident, and they’ll clean it up.”
“A man got into an argument with his son because the boy is lazy.”
“A man reported that someone drove by his truck and looked at it.”
“A property owner was upset because a neighbor drives around on their land looking for cows that wandered off.”
January 6 brought a trio of crimes involving ungulates:
“Unknown suspects placed a dead goat in the bed of a pickup and stole a spare tire from the vehicle while it was parked at Paradise High School.”
“A woman reported that her neighbor’s dog killed her sheep.”
“A woman’s goat was killed by her neighbor’s dogs.”
“A woman reported that a delivery driver stole her house cat.”
“Two geese were stolen.”
“A woman purchased cows, and she said the wrong cows were delivered to her farm.”
“What was first believed to be a burglary at a residence was simply a case of toys being stored out of place.”
“A man reported that his mother was harassing his Realtor.”
“A woman reported that her husband was in possession of child pornography. After further investigation, it turned out to only be a collection of Penthouse and Hustler magazines.”
Do you know of a police blotter that puts both Lufkin and Wise County to shame? Send us an e-mail at [email protected].