If you just happen to be an NFL team that’s as well known for its sexy cheerleaders and garishly appointed stadium as its performance on the field of late, well, then, this makes total sense: Monday, Cowboys Stadium in Arlington is getting its own Victoria’s Secret PINK store.
Because, obviously, there just aren’t enough places where you can watch professional football, look at an acclaimed art collection, and buy panties at the same time. Accidentally spill some of that Frito Pie on your lace-trimmed Cowboys thong? No problem! Just head on down to Concourse A and buy another one.
“When it comes to Jerry Jones, it’s hard to tell the real press releases from The Onion outtakes,” observed Robert Wilonsky of the Dallas Morning News.
The store opens October 1, just in time for the Cowboys big Monday Night Football match-up with the Chicago Bears. A 4 p.m. ribbon-cutting ceremony will feature Victoria’s Secret models Elsa Hosk and Jessica Hart, along with Charlotte Anderson, the Cowboys’ executive vice president for brand management (as well as the president of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, and Jerry’s daughter).
The Fort Worth Star-Telegram‘s Carlos Mendez had the complete text of the press release, which celebrates the fact that it’s “the first ever PINK store in a professional sports stadium or arena.”
Well, sure—until Reliant gets a Frederick’s of Hollywood, at least. Wait, scratch that: The Houston Texans are more upscale than the Cowboys these days. Make it La Perla.
“What the Cowboys are lacking are more opportunities to make ‘they are soft’ jokes,” wrote the Star-Telegram‘s Mac Engel. “Because selling bra and panties won’t fit into that line of thinking at all. But it will neat to be able to buy an official Jerry Jones lingerie outfit for that special someone at Christmas.”
In truth, the current PINK NFL collection isn’t all that racy. Besides the aforementioned thong, it offers “lace-trimmed boyshort panties” and “lace-trimmed hipster panties” (that’s a different usage of the word “hipster,” than we’ve gotten used to around here), along with a lace yoga bra you probably really can wear to the gym (at least in Dallas).
There are also such items as the “bling slouchy zip hoody,” the “boyfriend pant” and the “drapey dropped hem tee.” Coincidentally, “Drapey Dropped Hem Tee XS” is also the name of one of Cowboys head coach Jason Garrett’s favorite trick plays.