Dear Robert Durst,

Recently, following your acquittal on charges of murder by shooting your neighbor, hacking up his body, and dumping his torso into Galveston Bay in a plastic bag, you applied for work at our office. Below, please find a list of jobs from our files that seem suitable to your unique “skills.”

* Brisket slicer, Goode Company Barbeque

* Hatchet man, office of Karl Rove

* Male lead, So I Married an Axe Murderer II

* Body parts supervisor, University of Texas Medical Branch

* Celebrity pitchman, Hefty garbage bags

* Caddy for O. J. Simpson