We know our 2012 Bum Steers are ridiculously funny—and we look forward to writing headlines for them every year—but in a world where YouTube accounts for a substantial portion of our day, we couldn’t overlook the fact that sometimes watching (and listening) is believing. Here’s a short list of Steers you just gotta see (and hear) for yourself.
TAKE ME OUT TO A ’STROS GAME
DOWN AT MINUTE MAID PARK
BUY ME SOME BEERS AND SOME DAIQUIRIS
THEN WATCH OUT AS I DO WHAT I PLEASE
FOR IT’S SHOVE, SHOVE, SHOVE LITTLE PRINCESS
AND STEAL HER BALL WITH NO SHAME
CAUSE I’M ONE! MEAN! BITCH! BY FIRST BASE
AT THE ASTROS GAME!
A telecast of an Astros game at Minute Maid Park showed a woman in the field boxes jostling a little girl just as a player tossed a ball to her. After ripping the ball from the girl’s hands, the woman turned and high-fived her friends, while the little girl trudged off.
I REALLY WANNA GO HOME WITH THE ARMADILLO
Ida Greshen, of Dallas, was injured when an argument over money with an old flame turned physical. Insisting he pay off a $250 debt first, Greshen refused to let the man have the game meat he had stored in her freezer. Enraged, he struck her several times with the carcass he’d hoped to claim, a frozen armadillo.
FORE! AND FIVE! AND SIX! SEVEN! EIGHT! NINE! TEN! ELEVEN! TWELVE! THIRTEEN! FOURTEEN! FIFTEEN! SIXTEEN!
Professional golfer Kevin Na took sixteen strokes to complete the par-4 ninth hole during the first round of the Valero Texas Open golf tournament in San Antonio.
TOO BAD, BECAUSE THE SPOT FEATURING THE DROWNING OF THE “TEST PUPPIES” WAS HILARIOUS
HomeAway, an Austin-based vacation-rentals website, aired an ad during the Super Bowl that showed a doll, labeled “test baby,” being launched into the air and smashing face-first into a glass wall. After being assailed for trivializing child abuse, the company revamped the ad, admitting that it was a “mistake in judgment.”
ON TONIGHT’S EPISODE, RYAN SEARCHES EBAY FOR FARRAH POSTER
On the reality show Ryan and Tatum: The O’Neals, an Andy Warhol portrait of Farrah Fawcett—a gift to her from the artist—was seen hanging in Ryan O’Neal’s home. Lawyers for the University of Texas, to which Fawcett bequeathed her art collection, filed suit to recover the $30 million painting, the only work they had yet to account for.
OR MAYBE FORCE YOU TO WATCH CHRISTMAS VACATION 2: COUSIN EDDIE’S ISLAND ADVENTURE
After Randy Quaid and his wife, Evi, claimed that a cabal of “Hollywood star whackers,” who may have murdered David Carradine and Heath Ledger, was out to kill the Houston-born actor, Quaid released a song, “Star Whackers,” which lists a number of unusual methods an assassin can employ, including “maybe squeeze your balls with a nylon rope.”
YOUR FOOT IS NOW FREE TO MOVE ABOUT YOUR MOUTH
A Southwest Airlines pilot launched into a cockpit tirade against flight attendants he had met during a Chicago stopover (“It was just a continuous stream of gays and grannies and grandes”), unaware that his mike was live and his comments were being broadcast to air traffic controllers and other pilots.