The 2013 Bum Steer Awards

Larry Craddock, a special-education hearing officer for the state, resigned after he was caught sleeping through portions of a Keller ISD student’s hearing, which was recorded in a cellphone video that the student’s parents made when their coughing, book slamming, and other noises failed to keep Craddock awake.

IT’S NOT A DONKEY, SIR, IT’S A BULL. AND THAT’S NOT ITS HORN

During budget discussions at a meeting in June, Fort Worth School Board trustee Juan Rangel opined, “At some point . . . it’s time for us to grab the donkey by the horns and let the donkey know we’re not going to let this happen.”

HE WAS HOLDING A JOINT SESSION OF THE HIGH COURT

While attending a conference in College Station, Guadalupe County judge Mike Wiggins was arrested for possession of a controlled substance after a bellman smelled marijuana smoke coming from his hotel room.

ALL QUIET ON THE WESTERN FRONT AT PRESS TIME

Lubbock County judge Tom Head claimed on a local TV program that a proposed tax increase would be needed to put down civil unrest and defend the county from invading UN forces should President Obama be reelected.

WE HAVE MET THE ENEMY, AND SHARIA IS US

Harris County justice of the peace J. Kent Adams was publicly admonished by the State Commission on Judicial Conduct for making offensive comments from the bench, such as telling a Pakistani mother that her son deserved to be “stoned to death.” 

THEY QUICKLY REALIZED, “WE (R) IN TROUBLE”

The Angelina County Democratic party was forced to disqualify two of its own candidates, Jim Hodges, running for county sheriff, and William Wade, running for precinct constable, after both men, believing their own success in the Democratic primary was assured, voted for the general election opponents they preferred in the Republican primary, a violation of the state election code.  

“I BET YOU’RE ON THE TOO-HOT-TO-FLY LIST, AREN’T YOU?”

Ellen Terrell, of Dallas, complained that a TSA screener at DFW detained her in the full-body scanner so other screeners could ogle her and commented on her “cute figure.”

 

The Texanist’s Advice: No wonder some Texans don’t like the “gummint.” The duties with which we entrust our civic functionaries range from wand-handling at airports to gavel-banging in courtrooms, but regardless of the capacity in which an individual serves, he should never be bigoted, excessively sleepy, a perv, idiomatically challenged, incapable of rolling up a towel and placing it on the threshold of a hotel room door, partisan to the point of paranoia, or an election-rule violator. In the future, these public servants should simply ask themselves: “What would Sam Houston do?”

 

THE BIRDS AND THE BEES. AND THE STEERS

Because you can’t spell “TEXAS” without S-E-X.

HE’S COLD ENOUGH TO BE HER FATHER!

Apparently in order to gain access to millions of dollars in a trust set up for his children, 48-year-old Houston-born millionaire John Goodman, who was facing a DUI manslaughter charge, legally adopted his 42-year-old girlfriend. 

THAT’S COVERED BY ITS OWN SUCTION OF THE CRIMINAL CODE

A man robbed a Dallas sex shop at knifepoint, making off with $250 in cash and a $150 penis pump. 

REFUND? BUT HER HUSBAND ALREADY GOT 100 PERCENT OFF

Patricia Walker, of University Park, is suing Neiman Marcus for refusing to accept returns of $1.4 million in gifts her then husband bought for her with help from Ms. Walker’s personal Neiman’s shopper, who earned a steep commission on the sales—and with whom Walker’s husband was allegedly having an affair.  

The Texanist’s Advice: People think that because the Texanist is a purveyor of properness, he is some kind of prude. Not at all. If consenting adults wish to engage in intimate relations, the Texanist wants them to do it. He just wants them to do it without getting into trouble, ruining their marriages, or ending up in the January issue of Texas Monthly. Remember, there is a time, a place, a mode—or a number of modes, come to think of it—and a manner by which to go about doing it. Be safe.

 

CRIME DON’T PAY. ESPECIALLY IF YOU CAN’T DO IT GOOD.

For they are jolly good felons, for they are jolly good felons . . .

FUNNY, WHEN THEY CASED THE JOINT EARLIER THAT DAY, THE VAULT WAS OPEN

Burglars who targeted the Texas Bank and Trust in Cushing cut power and phone lines and carefully pried open a back door to get inside undetected but got away with only $70 in quarters.

“BUT THE TOP OF MY HEAD IS MY BEST SIDE!”

Sean Payne was so drunk when Humble police arrested him for public intoxication that an officer had to hold his head up so his mug shot could be taken.

WE’RE GONNA NEED A CLEANUP ON EYE’LL TWO

Willie Roy Mayfield was trying to shoplift three 12-packs from an Oak Cliff 7-Eleven when a clerk interceded. During the ensuing struggle, Mayfield lost his glass eye.

“THUN OF A BITH!”

A Rusk County woman was arrested for stealing a truck from a Kilgore lumberyard when her dentures were found on the ground there several days after the theft. She had been arrested for a different crime the day the truck was stolen and mentioned to police at the time that she’d lost her teeth but couldn’t remember where. 

“IF YOU’D LIKE TO MAKE A HAUL, PLEASE HANG UP AND TRY YOUR CRIME AGAIN”

While brothers Charles and Kevin Williamson were allegedly burglarizing a Lufkin construction site, one of them accidentally called 911 on his cellphone. Based on their overheard conversation, a dispatcher guessed their location, and police caught them a short time later with copper wire and aluminum in their car.  

The Texanist’s Advice: Why don’t more people involved in questionable situations ever stop to ask themselves, “Would my momma be proud of me right now?” For these ne’er-do-wells, the answer would have been clear. Sadly, even if the mommas of these outlaws had raised them to run contra the law, the answer would still be the same.

 

CALL OF THE WILD

A salute to those who’ve been on their beast behavior.

LET’S NOT GO GELDING AHEAD OF OURSELVES. THEY SADDLE BE A WHILE BEFORE HE CAN POST BAIL. AND TO BE FAIR, HE FETLOCK HE WASN’T DOING ANYTHING WRONG. BIT C’MON, ANY THREE-YEAR-OLD COULD SEE THE EVIDENCE WAS MOUNTING. BECAUSE WITHERS HE KNEW IT WAS WRONG OR NOT, IT WAS A REAL NEIGH-NEIGH. BUT DAM, WE’RE ALL EQUINE UNDER THE LAW. AND HAY, DO WE FILLY UNDERSTAND THE DETAILS, IN THE MANE? MAYBE IT’S BETTER NOT TO STIRRUP TROUBLE. THEN AGAIN, THE MARE’S OFFICE SAYS IT’S NOT HIS FIRST RODEO. AND EVEN WHEN THEY RODE HIM HARD, HE HAD THE NERVE TO ASK, “GEE, CANTER GUY ENJOY A LITTLE HORSEPLAY?” WHAT CROP! HE’S CLEARLY NOT STABLE. THEY SHOD PUT HIM IN A CELL FURLONG TIME. AND NOT TO NAG, BUT HE OAT TO AT LEAST SAY HE’S SORRY IF HE WANTS TO BE BACK IN GOOD STEED. STILL, IT’LL BE A LONG SWAYBACK TO RESPECTABILITY FOR THAT NO-GOOD HORSE RAPER.

A Hidalgo County man was arrested for animal cruelty and trespassing after he was caught on a rancher’s surveillance video tying a horse to a post and having sex with it. When questioned, the man admitted to also having sex with a horse in a case reported at another ranch. 

HIDALGO COUNTY HORSES GET BETTER TREATMENT, IN THE END

To raise awareness of equine abuse, C. W. Cooper, of Erath County, launched what he claimed would be an around-the-world, five-year horseback ride. Within months, critics called on him to halt his ride because two of the donated horses had broken down and one had to be euthanized.

The Texanist’s Advice: There’s a reason man was given dominion over the beasts: because he was supposed to be able to handle the responsibility. These fellows deserve to be horsewhipped. And the horses should get to do the whipping!

 

BAD FOR BIDNESS

They did build this, but now they’re doing their level best to destroy it.

ASK ABOUT OUR LAYAWAY-IN-THE-HOSPITAL PLAN

Houston Walmart employee Lance Ferguson was charged with aggravated assault after he pursued a suspicious customer out of the store and then intentionally ran the teen down with his car, causing minor injuries.

WHAT’D SHE EXPECT FOR A $6.66 OIL CHANGE?

A Fort Worth woman was alerted by a Walmart auto technician that someone—likely a technician at another Walmart with whom she’d had a run-in—had defaced the underside of her car with satanic symbols written in gasket sealant. 

NOT TO WORRY, FOLKS, WE’VE JUST HIT A SMALL POCKET OF MENTAL TURBULENCE 

Just before takeoff, an American Airlines plane was sent back to the gate at DFW because a flight attendant got on the PA and yelled, “Captain, I am not responsible for crashing this plane!”

“EXCUSE ME, WAITER, THERE’S A HEROIN MY SOPA”

Jovita’s, a Mexican restaurant and bar in Austin, was closed when its owner, Amado Pardo, was arrested by federal agents for allegedly running a longtime heroin-dealing operation out of ​his eatery.  

AND DON’T EVEN ASK ABOUT THE NASHER ICE SCULPTURE CENTER

After it was installed, the reflective glass exterior of Dallas’s new museum tower was discovered to be directing so much intensified sunlight at the nearby Nasher Sculpture Center that the plants in its garden died, some artwork inside had to be moved, and visitors complained of being temporarily blinded.

The Texanist’s Advice: The Texanist doesn’t have a fancy business degree, but he does know that violence, public lunacy, and devil graffiti on a customer’s undercarriage can impede an establishment’s ability to thrive. He suggests that all businesspeople in tricky situations pause and consider for a moment whether their actions constitute a step toward, or away from, the Forbes 400 list. 

 

NEKKID DRIVERS

Seriously, this is a category.

SHE’S NUDE TO THIS CRIME THING

Upon apprehending Taylor Burnham for DWI and evading arrest following a brief car chase, Corpus Christi police noted that the eighteen-year-old was wearing nothing but cowboy boots.

LUCKILY HE SKIDDED PAST VICTORIA’S SECRET

In Dallas a nude man drove his truck through the entrance of Southwest Center Mall, coming to a stop in front of Champs Sports, where police arrested him inside as he was getting dressed in store merchandise. 

FOREVER AND EVER A MAN WHO’LL HAVE THAT TO LIVE DOWN

Country singer Randy Travis was arrested for DWI in Grayson County after he wrecked his 1998 Trans Am in a one-car accident and was found lying naked in the road. 

“SIR, PLEASE DISMOUNT AND KEEP YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN’T SEE IT AT ALL TIMES”

After police arrested Joseph Farley for unicycling on the Kemah Bridge in the nude, police chief Greg Rikard observed, “Obviously he wasn’t armed. That we could tell.”

The Texanist’s Advice: The way to drive in Texas, as the highway sign says, is “Friendly.” It doesn’t say “Drive Buck-Naked—The Texas Way.” Just put some damn pants on. It ain’t that complicated.

 

LAW AND ODOR

Police, stay just the way you are. Love, Bum Steers 

TO PROTECT AND TO SERVE FIFTEEN GALLONS OF FROSTY GOODNESS

Austin police officers Ricky Hollis and Brian Spain were suspended for failing to direct “their time and attention to the business of the department,” after a citizen reported seeing the two uniformed officers pull up to a residence, load a beer keg into the trunk of their unmarked patrol car, and drive off.  

MA’AM, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW FAST YOU WERE STANDING?

Houstonian Natalie Plummer was arrested for “standing in the street where a sidewalk was present,” a charge she claimed police trumped up because she’d been waving a sign warning drivers of an upcoming speed trap.

WE’RE GONNA NEED YOUR GUN AND YOUR BADGE. BUT YOU JUST HOLD ON TO THE REST OF YOUR HARDWARE

Rookie Houston police officer Miles Stedman Dumas was suspended after being arrested in Galveston for assault and indecent exposure. Galveston police said Dumas stabbed a man outside a nightclub during a fight set off by Dumas’s flashing his pierced genitals at bar patrons. 

TO HAVE AND TO HOLD OVERNIGHT

After ignoring efforts by the management to close down his wedding reception because of the late hour, Harris County deputy Kevin Meyer was arrested by the same Harris County constables who had been hired to work security for the event.

SHE CLAIMED IT WAS ALL TWO BIG MISTAKES

Among the allegations leveled against Galveston County constable Pam Matranga in a sexual harassment lawsuit filed by a former deputy was the charge that self-described “chunky chick” Matranga had twice pulled her shirt over her co-worker’s head and stuffed him into her cleavage, forcing him to approximate an act known as “motorboating.” 

The Texanist’s Advice: Few jobs come with such pressure as law enforcement. But the Texanist has little sympathy for those who crack under this pressure and start flashing their genital piercings or motorboating their colleagues. Keep it together, people. We’re counting on you.

 

BLAME THE MEDIA

When it comes to royal screwups, they’re the crown prints. 

THE NEWS-JOURNAL REGRETS THE TERROR

A bomb scare that drew massive law enforcement response was caused by a suspicious device in a Longview News-Journal newspaper box, which turned out to be part of the machine’s equipment left exposed by a hasty service person. 

GOOD THING HER BOSS AT THE CLUB NEVER LEARNED ABOUT THAT SLEAZY DAY JOB

The Houston Chronicle fired Sarah Tressler, its recently hired society columnist, after a weekly paper reported that Tressler was also writing Diary of an Angry Stripper, a widely known blog about her night job as a topless dancer. 

GUESS THAT BLIND PHOTO EDITOR DIDN’T WORK OUT AFTER ALL

The New Braunfels Herald-Zeitung ran a wire story about the British Open accompanied by a photo of Tiger Woods captioned, simply, “Sandusky.”

IT ALWAYS PAYS TO GO NEGATIVE

The Round Rock Leader ran a reader poll asking, “If the election was today, would you vote for Obama or Romney?” but offered responses of only “yes” and “no.” “No” won with 56 percent.

THE BOXES WERE FINE—IT WAS THAT GHASTLY OLD MEDIA INSIDE THEM

Citing “environmental concerns,” Janice Daman, assistant dean of the University of Texas’s College of Communication, banned Daily Texan boxes outside the recently opened Belo Center for New Media, even though the building is the new home for the School of Journalism. 

The Texanist’s Advice: “The media” come in for enough abuse these days. Fellow ink-stained wretches: please, let’s not bring any more of it upon our trade.

 

SCHOOL SUCKS

Sure, Texas education is lousy, but, relax, college will teach them everything they need to know. Right?

URINE TROUBLE EITHER WAY

Parents of a Klein ISD seventh grader appealed the district’s decision to sentence their son to one month at a disciplinary campus for urinating in a water bottle during class. The family’s lawyer claimed that the boy had no choice after his teacher refused his repeated pleas to let him go to the restroom and told him, “I hope you pee on yourself.”

NOW SHOWING: RED FACES

After 5,700 fifth-grade boys were bused to a screening of the film Red Tails, a Dallas ISD spokesperson responded to community outcry by explaining that only boys were included because there wasn’t enough room for the girls.

HE ALSO DISCONTINUED THE JOURNALISM SCHOOL BECAUSE HE DIDN’T LIKE STRIPPERS

When he learned that he could not legally refuse to register a student based on his suspicion that the student was gay, Thom Campbell-Amons, principal of the Taylor Career Center, in Beaumont, discontinued the evening cosmetology program the student was trying to register for, even though several students were already enrolled. 

LET THAT BE A BRUTAL, MISGUIDED LESSON TO HIM

Two Judson ISD kindergarten teachers were suspended for dealing with a purported class bully by ordering 24 of the six-year-old’s classmates to take turns hitting him.

BUT NOT AS SORE AS HIS PARENTS

According to a lawsuit filed against the Peaster Independent School District by parents Amber and Michael Tilley, of Weatherford, a school nurse and counselor called their eight-year-old son “dirty” and “filthy” and forced him to take a shower in the school infirmary, where he received a scrubbing so rough he was sore for days. 

HEH, THEY SAID “JOHNSON”

The cover of a program handed out at a University of Texas graduation ceremony listed the host department as the “Lyndon B. Johnson School of Pubic Affairs.”

The Texanist’s Advice: The youth of Texas, to whom we will soon be entrusting the future, are not educated solely by marathons of standardized test prep. Young ones also learn by way of example. So let’s keep it simple: don’t harm them, don’t be mean to them, and don’t act dumber than them.

 

CELEBRITIES

Sure, they’re famous. But that don’t mean we can’t make fun of ’em.

IT WAS JUST HIGH TIME

Representatives of nonprofit group Capital Area Statues claimed it was a coincidence that the public unveiling of Austin’s new Willie Nelson statue took place at 4:20 p.m. on 4/20, an informal holiday celebrating cannabis.

THAT’S WHY HE’S NEVER CAUGHT TRAVELING THERE

San Antonio Spurs player Stephen Jackson offended some in his hometown by telling the sports website Grantland that Port Arthur is “a hellhole.”

AT LEAST NOW HE’S A LITTLE LESS FULL OF HIMSELF

Conservative talk show host and Westlake resident Glenn Beck attempted to auction an “artwork” on eBay consisting
of a President Obama doll sealed in a jar of what Beck claimed was his own urine.

“WEEZY! SHUT THAT REFRIGERATOR!”

After sitcom icon Sherman Hemsley, of The Jeffersons, died on July 24 at his El Paso home, his body remained in cold storage at a mortuary for four months because of legal disputes between claimants to his modest estate. 

SO HE ADMITS HE WASN’T UP TO SNUFF

Rangers superstar Josh Hamilton attributed his mid-season slump and subsequent half-hearted play to his difficulty quitting smokeless tobacco.

ON THE WRONG ROAD AGAIN

Not long after Willie Nelson’s arrest at the Sierra Blanca Border Patrol checkpoint for marijuana possession (after which he advised touring musicians to “try going through Colorado”), rapper Snoop Dogg and singer Fiona Apple were also busted, separately, for trying to carry weed and hash through the same checkpoint.

The Texanist’s Advice: Note to nonnative celebrities: the fact that many non-famous citizens of Texas are themselves given to loud, swaggering, puffed-up, and blustery behavior worthy of divas like Lindsay Lohan has mostly inoculated the common Texan against becoming starstruck over most anybody. This is especially true of our law enforcement.

 

SOCIAL MEDIA

Public humiliation is easier than ever. What’s not to “like”?

BUT SOCIAL MEDIA AMATEUR

On her LinkedIn page, Lindsay Ann Grice, a woman arrested for manufacturing methamphetamine following a meth lab fire in Klein, listed her occupation as “Chemicals Professional.”

SEVENTY-FIVE IF HE SLID IN AFTER IT

Evidently angered by a negative book review in the Dallas Morning News, author Buzz Bissinger tweeted, “If Dallas slid into sinkhole, nation’s IQ would rise by 50 points.”

HIS NEW EMBEDDED LOCATION IS IN PRISON

Higinio O. Ochoa II, of Galveston, was sentenced to two years in federal prison for hacking into law enforcement websites after he anonymously boasted about it on Twitter. His tweet was accompanied by a photo that included embedded location data, which enabled FBI agents to track him down.

#NEVERSAYNEVER

Pearland police nabbed Mahogany Mason-Kelly for outstanding traffic warrants after they learned that she had recently tweeted, “I still gotta warrant in Pearland . . . those pigs will NEVER catch me!!! . . . NEVER!!!”

The Texanist’s Advice: Ah, the social network. The Texanist has himself taken to this “space,” with a “presence” on both Twitter and Facebook. This has been a mostly successful endeavor, but there have been occasions when he has come close to shooting his career in the cyber-foot. Lucky for him, he has a cubicle of interns who review his tweets for clarity, social media illiteracy, fogginess, and/or nudity. Unfortunately, not everyone has this luxury. The Texanist suggests a thorough once-over before releasing irretrievable electronic transmissions.

 

WORST OF THE REST

These dopes are in a class all their own. And they’re flunking it.

THEY’LL HAVE TO PRY THAT DUMB METER FROM HER COLD DEAD HANDS

To prevent a utility company employee from installing a “smart” power meter at her home, Thelma Taormina, of Houston, pulled a gun on him.

HE’S INTO LIVE-STREAMING

Derrick Rix, of Fort Worth, was arrested for improper photography/video when a witness told police he’d caught Rix taking a cellphone video of him using the urinal in a department-store restroom.

SHE WEARS A SIZE AAAAIIIGH, I’M GONNA KILL YOU!

Victoria Perez was arrested for aggravated assault with a deadly weapon following a melee among seventeen women in the dressing room of the Hot Bodies men’s club, in Austin, during which a male strip-club employee was seriously injured when Perez hit him in the face with a spike-heeled shoe. 

THEY’RE JUST GOING TO SPEND IT ON MORE BANDWIDTH

An ad agency recruited Austin homeless people to serve as roaming Internet hot spots during the South by Southwest Music, Film, and Interactive Festival. Donating $2 to a homeless person unlocked fifteen-minute access to his or her personal hot spot. 

FRIVOLOUS?! TELL THAT TO THE MOST HIGHLY EXALTED FROBISHER OF THE SATANIC AMALGAM QUADRANGLE!

Inmate Courtney Royal had his federal religious discrimination suit against prison officials dismissed as frivolous. Royal had sued for the right to practice so-called West African spiritualism, of which he is “Vampsh Black Sheep League of Doom Gardamun Family Circle Master Vampire High Priest.” 

AUTHORITIES ALSO UNCOVERED A CACHE OF PB AND Js WITH THE CRUSTS CUT OFF

Twenty-two-year-old Jerrome Dominick was arrested for robbery when witnesses identified him as the man who strong-armed a cellphone from a five-year-old boy at a Galveston playground. 

BLEED ORANGE, PILFER GREEN

Vanessa Mayner, a University of Texas athletics accounting clerk, was indicted for embezzling $3,598 in donations meant to reimburse athletes’ cab fares and spending it on transportation for herself, her friends, and her family to destinations including Austin nightclubs, her wedding, and her residence in Buda. 

IN HINDSIGHT IT WAS A MISTAKE TO SAVE THAT FOR HIS APPEAL

LaDondrell Montgomery, of Houston, had his life sentence for armed robbery overturned in a post-conviction hearing,
because records showed he was incarcerated in a Harris County jail at the time of the crime. 

VICTORY OR DEATH! OR A BEER!

The General Land Office, the new owner of the Alamo complex, announced it would end the long-standing no-alcohol policy for events at adjacent Alamo Hall, over the objections of the current custodian and former owner of the site, the Daughters of the Republic of Texas. 

REMEMBER THE ALAMO . . . IS NOT A PORT-A-POTTY

Daniel Athens, of San Antonio, was arrested and charged with criminal mischief after he was caught urinating on the Alamo. 

The Texanist’s Advice: Geez. The Texanist is depressed. He is clearly not doing a good enough job in his monthly column of directing Texans away from ignominious situations such as the many summarized above. Why do folks like Thelma Taormina and Derrick Rix not feel comfortable asking for his counsel? He is here to help! Had Victoria Perez contacted him about the propriety of assaulting her Hot Bodies co-worker with a stiletto heel, the Texanist could have gently instructed her as to the whereabouts of a better place to grind her ax. Had Daniel Athens asked if it was okay to relieve himself on the Alamo, it would have been explained to him in the simplest of terms exactly where he could go. Et cetera, et cetera, ad infinitum. In the hopes of avoiding such problems in the year ahead, let’s make this easy: the Texanist’s email address is texanist@texas​monthly.com and he’s always available. Perhaps there ought to be a 24-hour hotline . . .