Maren Morris, Hero, Turned Tom Schwartz’s Sob Story Into a Country Song

Tom Sandoval has long tried to establish himself as the number one guy on the cast of Bravo’s Vanderpump Rules. On March 3, he succeeded in becoming the number one most hated guy in the group when the world discovered he’d been cheating on his long-term girlfriend, Ariana Madix, with her best friend, Rachel Leviss, for months. Since then, in the kerfuffle known as “Scandoval,” so much ire has been directed at this number one Tom for being such a massive piece of number two that his BFF and business partner, Tom Schwartz (who has also historically been terrible, but in a sweeter, sadder way), has been able to coast by as the lesser of two evils. 

Zero of these people are from Texas, but VPR superfan Maren Morris is, and she’s not gonna let Schwartz get away with his sniveling “aw shucks” act any longer. In this week’s season ten finale, Schwartz embarrassed himself on camera again, when his ex-wife Katie Maloney sought to uncover just how much Schwartz knew—and how much lying he did on behalf of his fellow Tom. When pushed to acknowledge his complicity in Sandoval’s downfall, Schwartz went into pity-party mode, saying he had a lot on his mind, citing “my health, my wealth, my family” and the fact that “there’s f—g man-eating Nile crocodiles in Florida now.” In the instantly iconic scene, his ex-wife and his dog, Gordo, both look on incredulously. Maloney tells him he sounds like a country song, and Morris ran with it, setting his bumbling douchebaggery to music. 

The resulting ditty is about six seconds long—not even long enough to score a bull rider—but it’s as catchy as pop star Scheana Marie’s hit song “Good As Gold.” And it’s already a classic on TikTok, Reddit, Instagram, and everywhere else VPR addicts like Morris (and yours truly) exchange content to feed our insatiable appetites for more drama, more idiocy, and more examples of men in their forties acting like boys in their teens—just one more meme, just a little taste, anything will do. In the VPR community, any Deux Moi gossip leak, a video of Tom Sandoval in a Buc-ee’s, or just a well-timed reference to the phrase “dipped out” will be met with rapturous joy and emoji applause. Everybody loved Morris, and for a brief moment on Friday, May 19, she was the number one guy in the group.