Forget inflatable ghosts and comical gravestones. Painted pumpkins are so passé, and don’t even get us started on those witches who seem to crash into the trees of every front yard in suburban America. The most desirable creature this Halloween is Home Depot’s twelve-foot-tall yard skeleton. Just ask a single mom in Northwest Austin, who had one stolen right out of her front yard.
On Saturday, October 15, an unidentified person drove into a Northwest Austin condo community, casually loaded somebody else’s enormous plastic skeleton decoration in the back of a white GMC Denali SUV, and then drove off. KXAN was the first to report the Halloween heist.
That’s terrifying! What sort of monster would do something so depraved?
No one knows! Although it does appear the thief is a brunette woman in a red scarf (and not a redhead, as reported by many outlets less committed to fact-checking than this one). The exact height of the skeleton was also in dispute; though it’s been widely reported as fourteen feet, eagle-eyed Reddit commenters identified the model as this twelve-foot beaut from Home Depot. Regardless, it’s big-boned.
How did the thief get away with this? Must’ve been under cover of darkness.
Nope. The most haunting aspect of the crime was that it took place in broad daylight—just before 5 p.m. on Saturday, according to condo HOA board president Grazia Ruskin. “The act was incredibly brazen, to say the least,” Ruskin told MySA.
Then the thief must be a criminal mastermind!
No, the crime was committed in full view of a neighbor’s front-door surveillance camera. Law enforcement authorities have the highly entertaining footage, which has since gone viral. The two-minute clip shows the bandit parking directly in front of the big guy, unceremoniously toppling it from its perch on the front lawn, and struggling to stuff it into the back of the Denali. (Tantalizingly, the video ends before we can see how, exactly, the spooky swindler managed to squeeze the skeleton in.) Neighbors are asking for help identifying the suspect. They also pitched in to offer a $50 reward for any information that leads to the poor creature’s return. Send tips to email@example.com!
A $50 reward? Why don’t they just buy another skeleton with that money?
Lol. You can’t even get a six-foot-tall skeleton for $50! The twelve-foot Home Depot model retails for a cool $299.
Ugh, inflation affects everything. Thanks, Joe Biden!
Yep. Terror ain’t cheap. Also, oversized skeletons are very popular yard decorations, sold out nearly everywhere by this point in October. They just might be harder to get your hands on than actual human remains!
Well, they are dope. Very spooky.
What do you think the thief’s motivation was?
Logic suggests she wanted a big skeleton in her yard but didn’t want to pay for it. However, we prefer to think she’s a mad scientist who has figured out how to bring life to the inanimate objects, and is perhaps collecting several of them, which she will teach how to dance, or maybe even to play basketball real good, so she can donate them to the San Antonio Spurs.
But robbery is the antithesis of everything the Spurs stand for!
You’re right. Timmy Duncan would never. But it’s Halloween, a time when we must confront the depravity of mankind.
Are we sure the thief is human?
Well, I guess not. From the security footage, we know “it” is a biped. But its arms, legs, and head are covered by clothing, so I suppose there could be a werewolf under all that knitwear. It’s certainly not a ghost—otherwise when it tried to physically lift up the skeleton, the decoration would have passed right through its ethereal form. Also, I’m pretty sure ghosts can’t drive. At least I’ve never seen one do so. More than happy to be proved wrong here.
Pretty impressive how it got that thing in the car, though.
You’re right. That could very well be superhuman strength, which would mean the thief was something not of this world, such as a demon or a Poltergeist.
Are you done?
Yeah. Except now I’m thinking about another popular Halloween decoration, the fifteen-foot Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, and how funny it would be to see someone try to fit that in the back of a Denali.