*Disclaimer: This article contains language from a different era; some phrases may be offensive.
Rednecks are more confused than ever. First Nixon’s peccadillo, then King Redneck George Wallace voluntarily sitting on the same stage with Teddy Kennedy last July 4th, and now that kid down the street whose daddy owns the hardware store comes home from college looking like a lineal descendant of Natty Bumppo with his Big Mac overalls and blue work shirt and red bandana, smoking that nasty roll-your-own BuIl-of-the-Woods cigarette, squinting a lot, and asking about pickup suspension loads.
In a masterpiece of irony, the culture has spawned the Pseudo-Redneck, a hippie look-alike who yearns to spend his days staggering under a wheelbarrow of manure, grubbing under the topsoil, and listening to Merle Haggard, all financed by pa’s hardware store.
Here in the mid-Seventies we discover that the latest Guru is the Man of The Soil, The Real Man. He is known by his ringing ax and long Kentucky rifle, a romantic hybrid of Lester Maddox and Euell Gibbons.
Because the twain seldom if ever meet, Rednecks don’t know they are the subject of this furious adoration. They continue to eye the vermin with the benign twinkle of a pit viper and go on hating queers, niggers, welfare, rock and roll, and the press.
They, as well as you, need a guide to tell the shamans from the sod busters. Study the Guide on the next two pages and turn your crafty, slow-witted peasant smile into a cynical knowing sneer when addressing the next fresh-faced Jack Armstrong on the manufacture of smearcase and clabber.
Bumper Stickers
Real Rednecks: If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns – Pseudo Rednecks: Farenthold
Soda Water
Real Rednecks: Big Red – Pseudo Rednecks: Dr Pepper
Jobs
Real Rednecks: Union (plumbers,electricians, etc.) – Pseudo Rednecks: Students; carpenters
Motorcycle
Real Rednecks: Harley Davidson-hog – Pseudo Rednecks: Honda; Yamaha
Vacation Spots
Real Rednecks: Six Flags; Astrodome – Pseudo Rednecks: Galveston; Mexico
Games Played
Real Rednecks: Dominoes; pool; bowling – Pseudo Rednecks: Foosball
Conversational Topics
Real Rednecks: Sex; jobs; cars; hunting; football – Pseudo Rednecks: Themselves; music
Favorite Black
Real Rednecks: Hank Aaron; Charlie Pride – Pseudo Rednecks: Redd Foxx; Charlie Pride
Illnesses
Real Rednecks: Liver Ailments – Pseudo Rednecks: Ulcers; hemorrhoids
Laxatives
Real Rednecks: Ex-Lax – Pseudo Rednecks: Prunes and Meditation
Leisure Wear
Real Rednecks: Jump suits; Budweiser hat – Pseudo Rednecks: Cut-off jeans; overalls
Recreational Vehicles
Real Rednecks: Pickup with cabin – Pseudo Rednecks: VW van
Favorite Illegal Activity
Real Rednecks: Dynmaite fishing; cock figts; night hunting – Pseudo Rednecks: Smoking dope
Headquarters
Real Rednecks: Texas City; Monahans – Pseudo Rednecks: Austin
Breeding Grounds
Real Rednecks: Mobile homes – Pseudo Rednecks: Garage apartments; water beds, or any flat surface
Favorite Sex Symbol
Real Rednecks: Raquel Welch; Dolly Parton – Pseudo Rednecks: Tina Turner; Mick Jagger
Enemies
Real Rednecks: Muhammed Ali; George McGovern – Pseudo Rednecks: Narcs; real rednecks
Favorite Pet
Real Rednecks: Mongrel bird dog; miniature poodles; Chihuahuas – Pseudo Rednecks: German shepherd; armadillos
Favorite Art
Real Rednecks: Bullfight scene on velvet; crucifixions; garage calendars – Pseudo Rednecks: Posters
Fashion Store
Real Rednecks: K-Mart; Gibson’s – Pseudo Rednecks: Army-Navy Surplus
Singers
Real Rednecks: Bill Anderson; Webb Pierce – Pseudo Rednecks: Willie Nelson; Jerry Jeff Walker
Automobiles
Real Rednecks: Dodge Charger; Plymouth Fury – Pseudo Rednecks: Chevy Camaro; 1963 MGB
Night Clubs
Real Rednecks: Gilley’s; Dance Town USA; Dewey Groom’s Longhorn Ballroom – Pseudo Rednecks: Armadillo World Headquarters; Liberty Hall
Sports
Real Rednecks: Stock Car; roller derby; pole fishing – Pseudo Rednecks: Football; streaking
Food
Real Rednecks: Sardines; mashed potatoes; catfish – Pseudo Rednecks: Mexican food; yogurt
Beer
Real Rednecks: Budweiser – Pseudo Rednecks: Shiner
Pickups
Real Rednecks: 1974 Dodge with gun rack – Pseudo Rednecks: 1958 Dodge with tape casettes
Rear View Mirror Implements
Real Rednecks: Graduation tassles; hairy dice – Pseudo Rednecks: Love beads
Haido (Men)
Real Rednecks: Grease; “Roy Clark” sideburns – Pseudo Rednecks: Long; stringy
Hairdo (Women)
Real Rednecks: Bouffant; teased – Pseudo Rednecks: Long; shag
Contraceptives
Real Rednecks: Rubbers; saran wrap – Pseudo Rednecks: The Pill
Magazines
Real Rednecks: Gent; Argosy; Modern Screen; Progressive Farmer – Pseudo Rednecks: Rolling Stone
Drinks
Real Rednecks: Bourbon and anything – Pseudo Rednecks: Tequila and anything
Favorite Movies
Real Rednecks: Walking Tall; Patton – Pseudo Rednecks: Billy Jack
Heroes
Real Rednecks: Bob Hope; Lieutenant Calley; John Wayne – Pseudo Redneck: George Wallace; Larry Mahan
Favorite Movie Stars
Real Rednecks: John Wayne – Clint Eastwood
Favorite Philosopher
Real Rednecks: Norman Vincent Peale – Pseudo Rednecks: Khalil Gibran
Favorite Poet
Real Rednecks: Does not apply – Pseudo Rednecks: Rod McKuen
Women’s Pants
Real Rednecks: Pedal pushers – Pseudo Rednecks: Bell-bottom jeans
