NO PARKING AT ANYTIME HIS HONOR DEEMS INCONVENIENT
Fort Worth city workers removed several counterfeit No Parking signs along a residential street near the TCU campus, which homeowners—including Judge Larry Meyers, of the Court of Criminal Appeals—installed to keep students from parking in front of their property.
Heather Michelle Berry, of Quanah, was arrested by Hardeman County deputies for breaking into a home and assaulting a woman, whom she angrily accused of stealing both her vibrator and her boyfriend.
HE'S MORE CONVINCING WHEN HE WEARS THE PANTSUIT
Unaware that a clip of Hillary Clinton speaking at a rally had ended and that he was back on camera, anchorman Gordon Collier, of KWTX, in Waco, delivered a mincing impersonation of the presidential candidate.
HE’S GOT SOME HUEVOS
Austin mayor Steve Adler sought to raise the stakes—and the hype—in a culinary feud with San Antonio mayor Ivy Taylor by declaring himself “commander in chief” in “the Great Breakfast Taco War of 2016.”
THAT’S HIS TRADEMARK TEMPO-MANDIBULAR GRIP
Spectator Edward Ferrero clambered into the ring and confronted a wrestler during a WWE Raw event in Corpus Christi. When a security guard tried to stop him, Ferrero bit his arm and was quickly arrested.
FIGURES IT’D BE SOMEONE HAILING FROM “TACTLESS BUREAUCRATS”
A staff member of the Austin Transportation Department was suspended for giving a presentation to a city commission that included a satirical map that replaced neighborhood names with phrases such as “Fitness Freaks” and “Dirty Co-ops.”
TURNS OUT THEY BOTH HAD A LOUSY SEASON
A police officer in South Carolina was able to persuade a suicidal man not to jump off a bridge by establishing a rapport with him over their shared hatred of the Dallas Cowboys.
SEEMS HE CAN’T STAY AWAY FROM THE PEN
Parolee Mark Dana Kenady was arrested in Austin for stealing a flat-screen TV and $50 in cash and leaving a signed note that suggested that the victim had it coming for failing to lend him $2 the day before.
NOT, THAT THERE’S ANYTHING, WRONG, WITH THAT
Because of a misplaced comma, the official platform of the Texas Republican Party stated that homosexuality was “shared by the majority of Texans.”
Things seemed so familiar in 2016—coaches got fired (Charlie Strong), players behaved badly (Johnny Manziel), and a certain pro-football team owner from Arkansas said a series of goofy things (what’s his name again?). Texas Monthly was not immune to the curse. Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo appeared on the cover of the September issue with the line “Now or Never.” The answer became clear almost as soon as the issue hit newsstands: Romo went down with an injury in a preseason game, but the team went on to set a record of consecutive victories with rookie Dak Prescott under center. We might score it this way: Bum Steers 1, Texas Monthly 0.
HE WANTED TO GRADUATE TO LEVEL 12 IN CANDY CRUSH
Chancellor Bruce Leslie, of Alamo Colleges, in San Antonio, was criticized by students for spending time onstage during the school’s spring commencement ceremony engrossed in his smartphone.
MORE LIKE, UNLEASH THE PAINFUL BLISTERS WITHOUT
Five people were rushed to Dallas hospitals and dozens more were treated by EMTs after suffering burns to their feet and legs while participating in the climactic event of Tony Robbins’s Unleash the Power Within motivational seminar, a barefoot walk over hot coals.
TO HIS CREDIT, HE DID NOT BILL FOR THAT QUARTER HOUR
Bob Hinton, a criminal defense attorney in Dallas helping to represent Johnny Manziel against domestic abuse charges, expressed an utter lack of faith in his client’s ability to stay off drugs and keep out of trouble—in a text message he inadvertently sent to the Associated Press.
EXTENDED FORECAST: PARTLY TO MOSTLY UNEMPLOYED
Meteorologist Bob Goosmann resigned from Dallas–Fort Worth radio station KRLD after he posted a racially insensitive comment on Facebook during the Democratic National Convention, which he prefaced, “As many of you have probably noticed, I’ve stayed away from politics on FB.”
MEAT YOU THERE, SUCKER
After turningaway a number of people empty-handed, Austin’s popular Franklin Barbecue warned the public that an impostor was bumming late-night rides from strangers around town by claiming to be a Franklin pitmaster who could give them free barbecue on their next visit.
HOW WERE THEY TO KNOW A FOULMOUTHED, KNOW-NOTHING CLOWN MIGHT BE AN UPSET WINNER?
Voters elected Robert Morrow, who is best known for his sexist and homophobic attacks on social media and for wearing a jester’s hat in public, as the chair of the Travis County Republican Party.
ACCEPT THIS UNWANTED PUBLICITY AS A TOKEN OF THE CAMPAIGN’S APPRECIATION
During a visit to San Antonio, Donald Trump posted a video of police officers on the tarmac outside his plane wearing “Make America Great Again” hats.
. . . THAT TIME WE LOST OUR JOBS
Miracle Mattress, of San Antonio, endured national backlash for advertising a September 11 sale. The TV spot ended with employees’ falling into twin “towers” of stacked mattresses as the owner’s daughter looked into the camera and said, “We’ll never forget.”
OTHER KATRINA REGRETS THE ERROR
Asked to explain why she falsely claimed during an interview on CNN that President Obama started the war in Afghanistan, Donald Trump spokeswoman Katrina Pierson, a Dallas native, blamed her earpiece, which she said caused her to hear an echo of herself.
THE SECOND ANNUAL LOUIE GOHMERT LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD
Last year the editors decided that Louie Gohmert, a Republican congressman from Tyler, had achieved such heights in Bum Steer–ology that it was only fitting to immortalize him for all the times he confirmed the country’s stereotypes about Texas politicians. That inaugural award unanimously went to Agriculture Commissioner Sid Miller. This time around was no different. He sent oranges to other public officials—that were grown in Louisiana. After his Twitter account retweeted a horribly offensive description of Hillary Clinton, his campaign initially said that he had been hacked before acknowledging that he hadn’t. You win again, Sid. But if you need more validation, keep reading . . .
- Miller said he would boycott the National Football League—except the Dallas Cowboys—unless players were required to stand during the playing of the National Anthem.
- He continued his mastery of social media, sharing a fake photograph of Obama holding a Che Guevara T-shirt.
- Finally, it was discovered that he flew to Oklahoma for a “Jesus” shot to help with chronic pain, then initially tried to have taxpayers pick up the bill.
GOOD LUC WITH YOUR CARERES, GRAUDATES!
In large print on page one of the program for the 2016 commencement ceremonies of Texas Christian University, the word “university” was misspelled.
AND THEN THEY PUT THE SQUEEZE ON THE DRIVER
A drug-sniffing dog for U.S. Customs and Border Protection hit on a tractor trailer from Mexico in which agents discovered more than four thousand pounds of marijuana disguised to blend in with the truck’s cargo of fresh limes.
WHAT? THIS OLD RAG?
Social media had a field day when Plano-based JC Penney promoted a floral-print skirt whose pattern resembled a large menstrual bloodstain.
BING! NON–ENGLISH SPEAKERS, YOU ARE FREE TO MOVE OUT OF THE CABIN
Southwest Airlines removed a man from his flight and escorted him to police officers waiting at the airport based on another passenger’s concern that the man, an Iraqi refugee and UC Berkeley student, had been speaking in Arabic on a cellphone.
GONE IN SIXTY KEYSTROKES
Using a laptop and stolen dealer codes, two Houston thieves reprogrammed electronic keys and stole more than one hundred late-model Fiat Chrysler vehicles before authorities caught up to them.
“SORRY, MAN. I LEFT MY WALLET AT PAT O’BRIEN’S”
It was hours into what should’ve been a thirty-minute cab ride to his fraternity house in San Marcos before Texas State University student Cody Nichols realized he hadn’t been on Austin’s Sixth Street, as he’d thought when he hailed the cab, but on Bourbon Street, in New Orleans. His fare came to more than $1,200.
HAD HE BEEN SELLING DOUGHNUTS, THEY’D HAVE BEEN ALL OVER HIM
Jason Higdon, who had covered University of Texas football for Horns Digest, sold merchandise bearing the words “Let’s ride,” a catchphrase used by former head coach Charlie Strong. University officials learned too late that Higdon had secured two trademarks granting him exclusive commercial use of the expression.
IT’S NOT LIKE HE WOULD’VE TOLD THEM ANYTHING ANYWAY
Utility workers in Austin found the body of a driver near the scene of a two-car collision that had been cleared hours earlier. State troopers had closed their on-scene investigation having talked with only one of the drivers involved, assuming that the unaccounted-for driver had fled on foot.
CAN START IN SEVEN TO TEN YEARS
Courtney Wheat was easily identified as the suspect who stole a car from the parking lot of a Kilgore Taco Bueno because, just moments before, he had handed the store manager a job application.
THE RESULTS LEFT HER UNDISTURBED
The obituary for Elene Meyer Davis, of Houston, said that her death, at age 91, was caused in part by the 2016 presidential campaign.
LESS GOFUNDME, MORE ISCAMYOU
Juanita Garcia, of Hidalgo, was arrested after raising money through a social media campaign for her seven-year-old daughter, whom Garcia had claimed was terminally ill but, authorities discovered, was perfectly healthy.
San Antonio police officer Gary R. Nel was suspended for declining to interrupt his meal to assist a fellow officer, even though the officer was responding to a disturbance call from the very same Whataburger where Nel happened to be eating.
DISCIPLINA PRAESIDIUM INACCURATIS
On the fiftieth anniversary of the UT Tower shooting, the University of Texas at Austin dedicated a granite memorial whose Latin inscription was incorrect.
ALL UNITS, BE ADVISED: SUSPECTS MAY BE ARMED AND HIGHLY SYNCHRONIZED
After receiving a call from a concerned parent who reported seeing a student with a weapon on a passing school bus, Austin police stopped, evacuated, and searched the vehicle, only to discover the “weapon” was a wooden drill team rifle.
WRAP YOUR FIREARMS AROUND ME, JESUS
Police responding to a Wednesday night 911 call from the Davis Street Baptist Church, in Sulphur Springs, found a man dealing with minor injuries after he accidentally shot himself in the foot while in the church’s family life center.
THAT IS SOME CRAPPY POLICE WORK
Matthew Luckhurst was fired from his job as a San Antonio police officer following an investigation that resulted from his bragging to colleagues that he had given a homeless person a sandwich laced with excrement.
TALK ABOUT A CHILI’S RECEPTION
Responding to another diner’s complaint, the manager at a Chili’s in Cedar Hill challenged Ernest Walker to prove he was entitled to a complimentary Veterans Day meal. Walker, who served in the Army in the eighties, provided his military ID and discharge papers, but the manager took his food away anyway—but not before claiming that Walker’s service dog wasn’t a real service dog.
WHY DIDN’T SOMEONE TELL HIS IMAM?
Mineola’s Mary Lou Bruner, a candidate for the State Board of Education, drew national press attention during her primary campaign for her controversial views, such as her assertion that President Obama had once turned to homosexual prostitution to pay for his drug habit.
DOUGHNUT THINK YOU CAN INFRINGE ON OUR BRAND OR PROFITEROLE FROM OUR INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY. THIS IS NOT SOME SORT OF MISCONSTRUDEL. SO YOU BEAR CLAW A LAWYER BECAUSE WE’LL MAKE YOU CRULLER CROSS THE COURTROOM FLOOR. AND DON’T TRY TO PLAY TO THE JELLY-FILLED HEARTS OF THE JURY, BECAUSE NO ONE ÉCLAIRS. DO WE HAVE TO PAINT IT IN PASTELES? IT’S SAMOSA STORY. YOU CROISSANT THAT LINE, AND YOU’RE GONNA GET CRÈMED. WE CANNOLI HOPE YOU LEARN YOUR LESSON. SO GO BAKLAVA WHERE YOU CAME FROM AND DON’T LET US KOLACHE DOING IT AGAIN
Attorneys from the University of Texas at Austin sent a cease and desist letter to Donut Taco Palace for selling a glazed doughnut shaped like a hand flashing the Hook ’Em sign, which had been on the menu for years.
AND SHE WON’T JUST BE RIDING A UNICORN, IT’LL BE A BLUE UNICORN
Among the many totally wrong predictions bruited about by some members of the punditocracy during the presidential campaign was one suggesting Hillary Clinton might win Texas over Donald Trump.