Roundups of Texas’s most ridiculous and idiotic endeavors
A year of altered antlers, bawdy broadcasters, comedian corrections, dining detectives, emancipated emus, fossilized felines, gullible Gore, hemline harassment, insatiable igniters, jazzed-up jewelry, Kay’s kennelwear, lottery loonies, metric madness, numerous nudes, 007 oenophiles, poultry protesters, questionable quizzes, revengeful revenuers, Spam slingers, tie tirades, unallowed uniforms, variant videotapers, warning! water, x-humed
JanuaryBEN BARNES Under fire by federal authorities, the former lieutenant governor gives up his $25,000-a-month lobbying contract for Gtech, the company that runs the Texas Lottery. Not to worry, though. Later it is announced that Gtech agreed to pay Barnes and an associate $23 million to buy out the contract.FebruaryTEXAS
RADIO GIRLS 1998 CALENDAR, featuring five women deejays from Texas, including (left) Cindy Scull of KEGL-FM, Dallas, from RML Productions of San Antonio: $12.95.PETMITT, a disposable pet-waste mitt for scooping up doggy doo, designed by Betsy Aberg and Virginia Prejean of Dallas, from PetMitt of Dallas, available by calling 1-800-PETMITT:
It was a year of angry Aggies, Baptist bravado, confused Cheney, death row drollery, enemas in evidence, fetid feet, ghetto gobbledygook, helicopter hunts, insurance idiocy, jerk judges, kin kidnappers, lawbreaking Longhorns, meshuggener misfires, NASA nimrods, Oswald online, pooped-on presidents, quick quarrels, requested roaches, scrotum-scarring Sooners, taped teenagers, unhinged urinators, visible
It was a year of abbreviated Aggies, bamboozling boxers, charged Cuban, dumb district attorneys, estrogen-packed elevators, famished firemen, graveyard ganja, half-wit husbands, imaginary illegal immigrants, Jessica jests, koncert kayos, lawn-watering Lance, muddled Moron, next-of-kin-offending newspapers, oblivious operators, pornographic prom dresses, questionable quiz takers, repulsive Roger, stolen shih tzus, tasteless team
Where is Alfred Hitchcock When You Need Him?The Texas Department of Agriculture fined a crop duster in Wilbarger County $1,250 for spraying pesticide on a family of four in a pickup truck.Drive Friendly—I’m Uninsured.To avoid Texas insurance and safety standards, at least two thousand drivers from El Paso illegally purchased
Famous Fun Feuds.
A year of alternative armadillos, bogus bills, contraband condoms, defecting drivers, eventful endorsements, futile floss, gorgeous golfers, humongous hair, imploding implants, jet joyrides, Kansas City klunkers, licentious libraries, mayoral Mafiosi, N-vaded N-dians, outlaw odors, phighting physicists, queasy quesadillas, royal relatives, shunned Schwarzkopf, tainted teachers, underworld underwear, verbose vasectomies, welfare Willies,
Rod Canion Houston-based Compaq Computer Corporation, which he co-founded, fired him as presidentDallas CBS canceled the series after a thirteen-year run that featured the mythic evil of J. R. Ewing.Gib Lewis The five-term Speaker of the House was indicted on misdemeanor ethics charges.Danny Faulkner The developer in the Interstate 30
Chicken Ranch brother souvenirs, including 1992 calendars with photos of prostitutes in Old West costumes, available for $14.95 from CRI Marketing in Los Angeles.UT Texas Longhorns cologne, based on Texas cedarwood oil, sold for $24 (1.7 ounces) by Texarome of Leakey.Savings and loan scandal trading cards, featuring Neil Bush of
From Good Bull: More Aggie Escapades, by John Hoyle:One of the no-no’s in the Corps is to have a member of the opposite sex in your dorm room at the wrong hours. One night, a group of Fish saw a senior sneaking a young woman into his room. The freshmen,
How ignoble was 2012? It was a year in which our idols fell from their pedestals only to land on our leaders, who had already toppled from their own heights. The shame spiral began on January 3, when Rick Perry lost his first election ever, the Iowa caucuses in the
KHOU ran a story about convicted rapist Abraham Joseph and next to it embedded a Twitter feed populating tweets related to the story. Unfortunately it pulled innocent @abrahamjoseph into its web.
Christopher Erck, owner of the Worm Tequila and Mezcal bar in San Antonio, applied to trademark the phrase, "I can't remember the Alamo," a joke the custodians of the historic structure found none too funny.
A Cowboys fan who claims she was burned by a hot bench outside Cowboys Stadium has sued the team and Jerry Jones.
UPDATE: Judge Lanny Moriarty has vacated Diane Tran's conviction. The Willis High School junior has repeatedly missed school because she also works two jobs.
Due to a proofreading error, the program for Saturday's commencement ceremony at UT's Lyndon B. Johnson School of Public Affairs left out a crucial "L.”
A middle schooler’s playoff tribute to his fellow redhead on the San Antonio Spurs has been deemed a "distraction" by the Judson ISD.
Tears on Our SteersYour portrayal of Governor Perry is totally insulting. Whether you agree or disagree with his politics, he is the governor of our great state and, as such, deserves a measure of respect. Jo Snoddy Cleburne Shame on TEXAS MONTHLY for using a caricature drawn by some green-behind-the-ears
We revisit Sheyla Hershey, the woman from Houston with 38-KKK breasts who is now the subject of an episode of My Strange Addiction.
We only need 53 seconds to explain.
No one wants to give the governor a Bum Steer. No one wants to poke fun at the elected representative of 25 million Texans. In fact, when Rick Perry launched his presidential campaign four and a half months ago, we felt compelled to defend him (a little) from the slings
University of Texas fans are fuming about the photo of a “Horns Down” Longhorn that the Alcalde put up on its website.
A wise man once said, “Beware of football Bum Steers.” Baseball is fine, and so is basketball, since both of those seasons will have wrapped up by the time the January issue goes to press. But football is a different story. Just when you think a player or a coach
The bar was set pretty high even before last year’s Bum Steers cover was named one of seven winners in the American Society of Magazine Editors’ annual Best Cover Contest. I mean, honestly: How to top Dick Cheney with a scowl and a shotgun? It’s not as if there was
Senior executive editor Paul Burka on editing Bum Steers.
JUST LIKE HE RAN FOR PRESIDENT After his powerboat, The Rough Rider, sped through a 5-knot zone at a speed of 30 knots, Ross Perot was fined $300 in Bermuda Magistrates’ Court for operating “without reasonable consideration.” SHE ONLY HAD ONE CLIENT ANYWAY Prior to her withdrawal as a
Senior editor Anne Dingus on the Bum Steers traditions and mocking those other Simpsons.
Executive editor Paul Burka and senior editor Anne Dingus tell the story behind January's cover story, "The 2001 Bum Steer Awards".
A year of alarming art, befuddled bus drivers, crustacean confiscators, demanding donors, entomological eats, feckless felons, garbled George W., hideous headgear, inspirational ice cream, juiced journalists, KKK kiss-offs, Lubbock lampooners, mucho manure, nada nudity, oafish officials, P.O.'d policemen, quirky queens, raunchy Republicans, shapely sideburns, thanatological toys, used uniforms, vampire vanquishers,
Bummed out by Bum Steers. Plus: Down on the Drag kids.
In 1989, after reading Texas Monthly’s annual Bum Steer Awards, Fort Worth resident Kevin Neal thought something was missing—namely, Fort Worth. Anxious to see his hometown razzed, the journalist started clipping stories from various periodicals, saving them “in a junk drawer,” and sending them to the Texas Monthly office; every
ANNA MEAGAN: THE AGGIE CINDERELLA STORY, by Cindy King Boettcher, published by Beraam Publishing Company, $16.95. The familiar fairy tale is retold incorporating the myths and traditions of Aggieland. The heroine is a coed studying to be a teacher; her harassers are not step-sisters but messy dorm mates; the Aggie
JUSTICE IS BLIND. LAWYERS ARE NOTA team of lawyers led by John Cracken of Dallas sued Allstate and Farmers insurance companies over their method of rounding up the cost of automobile insurance premiums. The proposed settlement gives the lawyers $10 million while policyholders are entitled to apply for a refund
JANUARY Anna Nicole Smith The widow of oil tycoon J. Howard Marshall II, tied up in a court battle over Marshall’s $500 million estate and owing an $850,000 judgment in a lawsuit that accused her of sexual harassment, files for bankruptcy. FEBRUARY Phil Gramm On February
He Lost a Stroke Too Scott Browning of Houston was awarded $16,500 in damages from the Men’s Club in Houston after an exotic dancer who was assigned to be his “designated caddy” and cart driver during a golf tournament at the club became inebriated during the event and overturned the
“DOUBLE BUBBLE TROUBLE,” by Crooks and Gumm, CD-shaped bubble gum from Zeeb Enterprises in Fort Worth, available at Target and Wal-Mart stores for 99 cents; newest release: “Rebubble Smackentire.”SKIN PRO-TEC LOTION, offering protection from such afflictions as fire ant bites and the AIDS virus, marketed by acquitted capital murder suspect
APPETIZER:Western Bar-B-Q sushi. Barbecued eel with shiitake mushrooms, cucumber, avocado, and sesame seeds, served at the Texas Rock and Roll Sushi Bar at the Hyatt Regency Hotel, Waikiki, for $2.25 per piece.SALAD:Sweet Pea Guacamole. Recipe using frozen peas instead of avocado, excerpted by the Austin American-Statesman from The $5 Chef,
A year of absent atheists, barbecue bias, College Station Cinderellas, devilish Disney, exiting egrets, far-out fingernails, goatsucker galas, hysterical historians, indoctrinated inmates, junkie joinings, kosher konfusion, loaded lawyers, murderous martinis, naughty Nolan, outvoted orbiters, porcine psychics, quaff quarrels, rapture rifts, senile senators, tackling tarantulas, unconstitutional urine, variable vegetarians, Web site
The Prairie View A&M Panthers. With a 64—0 loss to Grambling, Prairie View set an all-time collegiate football record by losing its fifty-first straight game, a streak that is now at 57 and counting. Jim Hightower. The former state agriculture commissioner and critic of corporations was dumped by ABC
Jeffrey Dahmer Would Have Loved It The Houston Chronicle food section offered a stew recipe that called for “1 1⁄2 pounds skinless, boneless children breasts or thighs.” At Least He Left the Punch and Cookies A robber hit a neighborhood branch of the Security State Bank of Abilene the same day that the
TEXAS ROAD SIDE BEEF JERKY (“You Kill It—We Grill It”), available from Richter Enterprises in Hondo for $4.99. THE LION KING AND OTHER PAPIER-MACHE ART made from toilet paper by inmates of the El Paso County jail, priced individually. AGGIE CASKETS, in maroon fiberglass, available at Southwood Funeral Home in
LYNDON B. JOHNSON AND HIS FAMILY PAPER DOLLS, a cutout book featuring Lyndon and his family in their undies, published by Dover Books as part of its presidential paper doll series, $4.95. TRAIL OF FLAME: THE RED-HOT GUIDE TO SPICY RESTAURANTS ACROSS AMERICA, by Jennifer Trainer Thompson,
A year of Anna’s antics, biker Barbara, capsized chiles, Davidians defined, expensive electricity, futile freebies, Gramm gossip, helpful hurricanes, insect ingestion, jousting jurors, king-size kindergartens, lottery litigation, Microsoft misprints, naughty nonagenarians, ostracized Oilers, punching princes, questionable quenching, romantic rhinos, sanctified shooters, topless trading, unfriendly unionists, vetoed vagrants, weird wine, X-posed
A year of amorous angels, bra buzzers, camouflaged Claytie, denied Davidians, escaped evangelists, faulty flags, gainful gangs, hefty hypnosis, inmate inedibles, jumbo jock-straps, kaput killdeers, lunching Lassie, mercurial mushrooms, nabbed ninjas, overhyped O.J., pumpkin purloiners, questionable quizzes, rap ruffians, sexy sprinters, tack taxis, unappreciated universities, videotaped villains, wayward Willie, X-sposing
A year of Arlington appellations, bedouined Bush, candied coiffures, detestable dinosaurs, effervescent executioners, fancy fertilizer, greedy Gorbachev, holy Halloweens, ignorant ichthyofauna, Japanese jokes, klipped Klingons, lottery lovebirds, medical margaritas, nude nuptials, overwhelmed ostriches, pugilistic pitchers, quashed quarterback, royal redialings, satanic Santas, titillating typos, UFO urgings, vindictive Vermonters, wanted: wives, X-citable
It was a year of absent Alamos, buried Barbies, castrated calves, derriere drawings, errant escalators, filching frats, grid-iron graduates, hightailing hoopsters, income-tax immigrants, jailed joggers, Keating kudos, lascivious linksters, mercenary morticians, nonoffensive nachos, overdrawn officials, Perot pumpkins, querulous quackers, relaxed Rangers, safe-sex students, testosterone teeth, undersea upraisings, visionary vacuumers, wounded
It was a year of absent anchors, Bush broccoliphobia, contraband clocks, dastardly Dakotas, egad! Elections, foolhardy fig leaves, governor’s grackles, Hussein harmonizing, incoherent Incaviglia, jury junkets, KO kisses, licentious license plates, misunderstood mummies, naughty notebooks, oil-spill oratory, pretentious pyres, quintessential quadraceps, reverential Sakowitz, telephone telepathy, unwise uppercuts, viper volunteers, wildcatting
A year of antagonistic attorneys, beleaguered Bushes, costumed cacti, dead dogs, espied Elvises, falling Fledermause, garbled grapes, hemline histrionics, imprudent impeachings, journalistic judges, kinky kindling, legislative largesse, mock McMurtrys, novelist’s nooks, overrated Odessas, phantom pharaohs, qualified quail, Ruby’s revolvers, spurious spies, tardy transcribers, U-charistic Uthanasians, vandalized vans, weird wieners, X-onerated
A year of avaricious Arabs, belligerent bovines, convincing Connallys, dubious degrees, elusive Elvises, furious firefighters, George's goofs, hassled Hunts. Ingenious inmates, jilted judges, knotorious Kneppers, loose locomotives, migrant moose, normative nerds, overcautious orchestras, preposterous pythons, qualmish queens, rampant roaches, Sue Ellen's swimsuits, targeted transvestites, upset umps, vetoed Virgins, wanton Willies,
