A year of avaricious Aggies, banned boogers, chagrined cheerleaders, dotty dwellings, expletive-deleted Enron, famous fugitives, Germanic goofs, horny highways, icky insects, judicial jests, kooky kidnappers, look-alike logos, misguided Mavericks, news-making nuts, ousted Osamas, problematic pachyderms, quirky quarterbacks, rampaging rats, scary skunks, tetrahydrocannibinol-filled tacos, unhealthy urbanites, volleyball vamps, wayward W's, x-rated
From cornball classics to rousing rib-ticklers, these two hundred Texas jokes are definitely on us.
Director Wes Anderson's new movie, The Royal Tenenbaums, deals with death, despair, and other dark subjects. Andwhat do you knowit's hysterically funny.
Am I a real person? (Yes.) Who died and made me king? (My father, the emperor.) Have I seen your piggy bank? (Yes, a little while ago. He was running away from home.) Any other questions?
First Person|
July 31, 1999
There’s always at least one man in my life: my eight-year-old son, Henry. Sometimes, however, there are two, and that’s when things get complicated.
Dallas is not the place.NO, THAT’S HIGHLAND PARK Hon-Ming Chen, the founder of God’s Salvation Church in Taiwan, and 140 of his followers moved to the Dallas suburb of Garland because they thought it was the site of the original Garden of Eden and it sounded like “God’s Land.”WHICH STANDS
They stand politically corrected.WHERE’S THAT TIGER WHEN YOU NEED HIM? During a Galveston City Council meeting, the Reverend James Thomas, an African American member of the council, referred to African Americans who had unsuccessfully challenged his reelection as “Sambos.”HOW SHORTSIGHTED OF HER The City of Houston’s affirmative action director, Lenoria
They’re big, by George.NOW IT’S REALLY EASY TO READ HIS LIPS Houston sculptor David Adickes is creating twenty-foot-tall busts of George Bush and the forty other U.S. presidents for a patriotic theme park he hopes to open this year in Virginia.AW, HE’S JUST BEATING AROUND THE BUSH At a National
“C” why it was a bad year.CRUSHED. Garry Mauro suffered the worst defeat of any Democratic gubernatorial nominee in Texas history, losing to George W. Bush by 1.4 million votes and getting just 31 percent of the vote.CATAPULTED. Tommy Lee Jones was banged up when he was thrown from his
The Bum Steer Gift Guide.THE RON PAUL FAMILY COOKBOOK, compiled by the family of the Surfside congressman, which contains recipes such as Zippy Olive-Beef Spread and a clip-and-mail card soliciting donations to his reelection campaign (free to donors). LEAVE BILL CLINTON ALONE, a compact disc from Austin soul singer Larry
ANNA MEAGAN: THE AGGIE CINDERELLA STORY, by Cindy King Boettcher, published by Beraam Publishing Company, $16.95. The familiar fairy tale is retold incorporating the myths and traditions of Aggieland. The heroine is a coed studying to be a teacher; her harassers are not step-sisters but messy dorm mates; the Aggie
JUSTICE IS BLIND. LAWYERS ARE NOTA team of lawyers led by John Cracken of Dallas sued Allstate and Farmers insurance companies over their method of rounding up the cost of automobile insurance premiums. The proposed settlement gives the lawyers $10 million while policyholders are entitled to apply for a refund
JANUARY Anna Nicole Smith The widow of oil tycoon J. Howard Marshall II, tied up in a court battle over Marshall’s $500 million estate and owing an $850,000 judgment in a lawsuit that accused her of sexual harassment, files for bankruptcy. FEBRUARY Phil Gramm On February
He Lost a Stroke Too Scott Browning of Houston was awarded $16,500 in damages from the Men’s Club in Houston after an exotic dancer who was assigned to be his “designated caddy” and cart driver during a golf tournament at the club became inebriated during the event and overturned the
“DOUBLE BUBBLE TROUBLE,” by Crooks and Gumm, CD-shaped bubble gum from Zeeb Enterprises in Fort Worth, available at Target and Wal-Mart stores for 99 cents; newest release: “Rebubble Smackentire.”SKIN PRO-TEC LOTION, offering protection from such afflictions as fire ant bites and the AIDS virus, marketed by acquitted capital murder suspect
APPETIZER:Western Bar-B-Q sushi. Barbecued eel with shiitake mushrooms, cucumber, avocado, and sesame seeds, served at the Texas Rock and Roll Sushi Bar at the Hyatt Regency Hotel, Waikiki, for $2.25 per piece.SALAD:Sweet Pea Guacamole. Recipe using frozen peas instead of avocado, excerpted by the Austin American-Statesman from The $5 Chef,
A year of absent atheists, barbecue bias, College Station Cinderellas, devilish Disney, exiting egrets, far-out fingernails, goatsucker galas, hysterical historians, indoctrinated inmates, junkie joinings, kosher konfusion, loaded lawyers, murderous martinis, naughty Nolan, outvoted orbiters, porcine psychics, quaff quarrels, rapture rifts, senile senators, tackling tarantulas, unconstitutional urine, variable vegetarians, Web site
If you believe the Fort Worth Star-Telegram obituary that says Jaime Woodson was one of the great writers of this century, let me tell you about the Corbet Comets.
On February 19, 1846, the flag was lowered on the Republic of Texas for the last time. Here’s a look back at what was our national interest, and all that it might have been.
Coming Soon: Groacho MarxThe Cockroach Hall of Fame Museum, Plano. Michael Bohdan, who calls himself Cockroach Dundee, runs the museum at his pest-control business, featuring such exhibits as H. Ross Peroach and Liberoche, a dead roach covered with sequins sitting at a miniature piano topped by a candelabra.If It’s Closed,
TEXAS ROAD SIDE BEEF JERKY (“You Kill It—We Grill It”), available from Richter Enterprises in Hondo for $4.99. THE LION KING AND OTHER PAPIER-MACHE ART made from toilet paper by inmates of the El Paso County jail, priced individually. AGGIE CASKETS, in maroon fiberglass, available at Southwood Funeral Home in
I had everything it took to win the Mr. Romance Cover Model pageant—except for the looks and the body.
Should Hollywood remake ‘Giant’? On the fortieth anniversary of the filming of the Texas epic, we imagine Brad Pitt playing Jett Rink’s grandson, Quentin Tarantino directing, and other scary scenarios.
They crack wise while bulls charge them, and fans eat it up. A look at rodeo’s real ring leaders.
He’s part Susan Powter, part David Letterman, part Dagwood Bumstead—and more.
When Houston’s pro sports teams collapse late in the season—as they may do this year—faithful fans like me are never surprised. We’ve almost come to expect it.
Carnality, Castration Anxiety, and Jouissance in Willie Nelson’s Taco Bell Commercial.
A strand-by-strand look at the roots of a Texas phenomenon.
Two prominent families, one soapy feud. What could be better for a summer miniseries?
The ceremony was to honor the four-score living Texans who had participated in the Revolution. They were all quite old, of course. It had been 75 years since 1992, when Texas had become a breakaway republic and, like Tajikistan, Azerbaijan, and the Ukraine in Soviet Russia, sought independence from a
A Christmas story for all you kids out there.
With his bust-a-gut jokes and cornpone tales, backwoods humorist Bob Murphey delivers a time gone by.
It didn’t take me long to learn the ten lessons of stand-up comedy. Number one is, Prepare to die.
From Pecos Bill to nightclub comics, we’ve got lots to laugh about.
As much as I hated playing football, I hate watching it more.
You pay for interest, gas, oil, repairs, and insurance. I pay for shoe leather.
They don’t use air conditioning, they don’t drive cars, they don’t watch football—yet they dare to call themselves Texans.
For centuries, scientists have searched for the answers to the mystery of Nosehenge. Now—for the first time—the startling truth.
Thank God I’m sort of a grown-up.
Turn off the TV. Go fishing. Here’s the inside story of what will happen at the convention, complete with Nancy Reagan’s tacky visit to a bowling alley.
There’s no point in grousing about Texas’ minor shortcomings. Why not just roll up our sleeves and make it perfect once and for all?
The old tin tray, it ain’t what it used to be. Today’s TV dinners have become “frozen cuisine.”
Life is tough all over, but especially for Juniors.
The city boy moved to the country and life was good. And then he bought four pigs.
Honest.
Wise up: that insipid supermarket sugar-water you’ve been putting on your toast isn’t honey. The real stuff—Texas honey—is as full-bodied and distinctive as the nectars that go into it.
Perhaps, after all, girls should go with boys who chew.
Fess up now. In your heart of hearts, don’t you hate it, too?
Some disagree. They are wrong.
It is boorish, cluttered, aggravating, rich, beautiful, explosive, titillating, cosmopolitan, endearing, and has a full head of steam.
