The Texanist

Since July 2007, the Texanist has taught many a well-intentioned Texan how to properly conduct him- or herself. Is it ever okay to ask somebody how many acres he has? Is it acceptable to spit tobacco juice at the office? Can one have too many Texas-themed tattoos? Why is Big Red so good? Who knows? Wait, the Texanist does!

The Texanist |
May 23, 2016

The Texanist

Our estimable advice columnist on saying “I do” to a potbellied pig, bidding farewell to supper, giving your regards to Texas, and complaining about cold tortillas.

The Texanist |
April 20, 2016

The Texanist

Forget about Batman vs. Superman. Our advice columnist referees spring vs. fall, Strait vs. Wills, Oatmeal vs. Bacon, and restaurant vs. patron.

The Texanist |
February 24, 2016

The Texanist

Our estimable advice columnist on putting a Tennessean in his place, adding Topo Chico to everything, learning to love a rusty jalopy, and naming Possum Kingdom Lake.

The Texanist |
January 27, 2016

The Texanist

Our estimable advice columnist on the pronunciation of “Fort Worth,” the pros and cons of spring break south of the border, the best way to deal with the brisket illiterate, and the Texan who mistook himself for a Floridian.

The Texanist |
December 23, 2015

The Texanist

Our advice columnist muses on the seeming futility of horse apples, the finer points of knives, the downside of going vegetarian, and whether it’s possible to love a Willie-hater.

The Texanist |
November 18, 2015

The Texanist

Our advice columnist muses on the sanctity of a pickup’s bed, browses the Neiman Marcus Christmas Book, and once again tries to determine who qualifies as a Texan.

The Texanist |
October 21, 2015

The Texanist

Our estimable advice columnist on the origins of Hunt’s boot fence and how miffed we should get about pecan pronunciation, desecrated chili pots, and overenthusiastic, football-lovin’ grandfathers.

The Texanist |
September 17, 2015

The Texanist

Our estimable advice columnist on finding love in the country, the (unquestioned!) merit of the State Fair, the fulfilling post-rodeo career of a bucking bull, and more.

The Texanist |
July 23, 2015

The Texanist

Our estimable advice columnist on ducking tornadoes, mom’s new boyfriend’s haircut, the politics of pro football, and the mysterious origins of the Texas sheet cake.

The Texanist |
June 11, 2015

The Texanist

Our estimable advice columnist on washed-up beaches, chicken-fried whoppers, the etymology of “hindcatcher,” and tryin’ to love an Elantra-drivin’ man.

The Texanist |
April 16, 2015

The Texanist

Our estimable advice columnist on hat etiquette, delusions of ranchhood, reconnecting with your Texas roots, and staying loyal to your Wranglers.

The Texanist |
March 13, 2015

The Texanist

Our estimable advice columnist on pathological liars, missing knives, the difference between a Texan and a New Yorker turned Floridian turned Montanan, and why tequila is not—hic!—a vegetable.

The Texanist |
February 10, 2015

The Texanist

Our estimable advice columnist on Texas brag, the limits of speed limits, the intoxicating appeal of his alma mater, and just who, exactly, was going to Luckenbach, Texas, with Waylon and Willie.

The Texanist |
January 14, 2015

The Texanist

Our estimable advice columnist on buildin’ a fire pit, dressin’ like an oilman, plannin’ a destination wedding (or not), and lettin’ go of a non-barbecue-lovin’ woman.  …

The Texanist |
November 14, 2014

The Texanist

Our estimable advice columnist on domino-nothings, reconnecting with your roots, procuring public property, and the ineffable appeal of the frozen mango margarita.

The Texanist |
September 15, 2014

The Texanist

Our estimable advice columnist on playing Words With Friends, figuring out a hat size mystery, and the rules pertaining to road-killed rattlers.

The Texanist |
June 5, 2014

The Texanist

Our estimable advice columnist on bygone dining traditions, feeling homesick, and the indelible effects of living a mere five years in Texas.

The Texanist |
April 8, 2014

The Texanist

Our estimable advice columnist on euphemisms involving the word "hay," A&M's unaptly named yearbook, and meat preparation preferences.