The Texanist

The Texanist

Since July 2007, the Texanist has taught many a well-intentioned Texan how to properly conduct him- or herself. Is it ever okay to ask somebody how many acres he has? Is it acceptable to spit tobacco juice at the office? Can one have too many Texas-themed tattoos? Why is Big Red so good? Who knows? Wait, the Texanist does!

The Texanist |
February 10, 2015

The Texanist

Our estimable advice columnist on Texas brag, the limits of speed limits, the intoxicating appeal of his alma mater, and just who, exactly, was going to Luckenbach, Texas, with Waylon and Willie.

The Texanist |
January 14, 2015

The Texanist

Our estimable advice columnist on buildin’ a fire pit, dressin’ like an oilman, plannin’ a destination wedding (or not), and lettin’ go of a non-barbecue-lovin’ woman.  

The Texanist |
November 14, 2014

The Texanist

Our estimable advice columnist on domino-nothings, reconnecting with your roots, procuring public property, and the ineffable appeal of the frozen mango margarita.

The Texanist |
September 15, 2014

The Texanist

Our estimable advice columnist on playing Words With Friends, figuring out a hat size mystery, and the rules pertaining to road-killed rattlers.

The Texanist |
June 5, 2014

The Texanist

Our estimable advice columnist on bygone dining traditions, feeling homesick, and the indelible effects of living a mere five years in Texas.

The Texanist |
April 8, 2014

The Texanist

Our estimable advice columnist on euphemisms involving the word "hay," A&M's unaptly named yearbook, and meat preparation preferences.

The Texanist |
October 14, 2013

The Texanist

How do a husband and wife resolve backyard barbecuing duties? Illustration by Jack UnruhQ: My wife has recently taken a keen interest in my backyard barbecuing duties. In fact, last weekend she asked me if I wanted her to start cooking the beans from now

Arts & Entertainment |
August 15, 2013

On Sports and Sportsmanship

Q: I’ve had a tailgate party in the same spot for just about every Aggie home game since R. C. Slocum’s last season, in 2002. This year I’d like to make the move to a different spot, on the other side of the stadium, but it’s between two established tailgates, and I

The Texanist |
August 15, 2013

On the Great Outdoors

Q. I am an avid South Texas hunter. A while back, I was en route to Concan and stopped to get gas when I saw a group of grown men shamelessly flaunting their pink camouflage hats and shirts. In almost three decades of hunting I have never seen a pink

The Texanist |
August 15, 2013

On the Home and Lawn

Q: Will hiring a lawn service to do my mowing make me soft?Preston CulbersonNacogdochesSeptember 2009A: Well, boy hidy, Mr. Deep Pockets, seems somebody has suddenly found himself standing in some mighty high cotton. And, at the same time, in some increasingly tall grass. Did your numbers hit? Ol’ Aunt

The Texanist |
August 15, 2013

On Child-Rearing

Q: My twelve-year-old daughter is a complete and unashamed tomboy. She hunts with me, fishes with me, and throws the football with me. Wouldn’t be caught dead in a dress. I love every second of it, but her mother thinks it’s come time for her to drop some of these boyish

The Texanist |
August 14, 2013

On Dipping and Spitting

Q: I work for a technology company in a nice office in Austin—despite what you have heard, we are required to wear shoes. Anyway, I have a co-worker who dips Copenhagen and spits into a Styrofoam cup. Is this acceptable in an office environment? Mike Via e-mailSeptember 2007A: Though

The Texanist |
August 14, 2013

On Romance

Q: How many Gulf oysters does it take for a person to see results from the aphrodisiac qualities that they are said to possess? My wife and I were recently visiting Galveston and shared three dozen to no avail.Name WithheldFebruary 2011A: Ah, the oyster. The most delectable and voluptuous of

The Texanist |
August 14, 2013

On Relieving Oneself

Q: If one makes a genuine effort not to be seen while peeing outdoors, can that still be considered urinating in public?Frank AllenRicardoMarch 2009A: Yes and no. The need to shake the dew off one’s lily away from modern facilities is one of life’s many inevitabilities (and one of its

The Texanist |
August 14, 2013

On Guns and Weaponry

Q: How old need a boy be to receive the gift of a first gun? ChristopherAustinJanuary 2009A: Assuming that we are not speaking of some wild-assed hellion who will bury his relatives in a torrent of tiny steel balls the first time a firearm is laid in his hands, age

The Culture |
August 14, 2013

On Sartorial Matters

Q: I was born and raised in Texas and have resided in New York City for the past couple of years. On a recent trip back home, I visited a friend on his ranch in West Texas and was mocked unmercifully for wearing skinny jeans. I will admit that the jeans

The Texanist |
May 13, 2013

The Texanist

On why good neighbors mend good fences, drinkin' while dog walkin', and the proper way to dispose of bacon grease (hint: in your belly).

The Texanist |
January 20, 2013

The Texanist

A fond look back at Temple, a.k.a. Ratsville and/or Tanglefoot, that fair burg wherein your dedicated advice columnist learned the location of the thin line between right and wrong.

The Texanist |
January 20, 2013

The Texanist

Vegetarian offspring, a barroom dispute, maintaining the “Texas identity,” and whether anything can be done to cure a marriage-threatening case of snoring.

The Texanist |
January 20, 2013

The Texanist

The trouble with black beans, an unnatural attachment to Texas license plates, the perils of striking up a conversation in the restroom, and the discomfort of two men riding together on the same Harley.

The Texanist |
January 20, 2013

The Texanist

Is it legal to be buried on my own property? Illustration by Jack UnruhQ: My wife and I are working toward finally buying some property in Washington County to retire on and have a place for the kids and grandkids to come and enjoy the

The Texanist |
January 1, 2013

The Texanist

Is the secret to good healthy actually “Crazy Water”? Illustration by Jack UnruhQ: I am a Texan of advanced age who is hearing all the clamor surrounding health care. I grew up in Mineral Wells, drinking the famed water they merchandise, and I enjoy great health

The Texanist |
December 1, 2012

The Texanist

My husband wants to taxidermy our dog when he goes to that big yard in the sky. I don’t. Can I convince him this is wrong? Illustration by Jack UnruhQ: Our family dog is getting on in age, and my husband and I have begun to