The Texanist
July 15, 2013
The Texanist
Offering fine advice since 2007.
The Texanist
Since July 2007, the Texanist has taught many a well-intentioned Texan how to properly conduct him- or herself. Is it ever okay to ask somebody how many acres he has? Is it acceptable to spit tobacco juice at the office? Can one have too many Texas-themed tattoos? Why is Big Red so good? Who knows? Wait, the Texanist does!
The Texanist
June 10, 2013
The Texanist
Offering fine advice since 2007.
The Texanist
May 13, 2013
The Texanist
On why good neighbors mend good fences, drinkin' while dog walkin', and the proper way to dispose of bacon grease (hint: in your belly).
The Texanist
April 15, 2013
An Open Letter From the Texanist
To Daniel Vaughn, New Barbecue Editor of Texas Monthly, on the Occasion of His First Day On the Job
The Texanist
April 10, 2013
The Texanist
On unleashing the hounds, the definition of a dance hall, and relieving one's self in the Gulf of Mexico.
The Texanist
January 23, 2013
The Texanist
On pecan picking, marrying a Californian, and apartment dwelling . . .
The Texanist
January 21, 2013
The Texanist’s Parenting Quiz
How are you doing as a raiser of authentic Texan offspring? Take this handy quiz and find out.
The Texanist
January 20, 2013
Offering fine advice since 2007
Oyster aphrodisiacs, hat manners, drill team attire, and why a man needs a weekender.
The Texanist
January 20, 2013
Offering fine advice since 2007
Wayward dog droppings, “barbecue” versus “grill,” flag displays, and the best way to get a husband to slim down.
The Texanist
January 20, 2013
Offering Fine Advice Since 2007
School yard bullying, game-day taunts, gambling etiquette, and children who dislike bones in their meat.
The Texanist
January 20, 2013
Pink camouflage, Floridian “friends,” a bedtime dilemma, and whether or not it’s acceptable to mock Chileans for their flag’s similarity to ours.
The Texanist dishes up a heaping helping of fine advice.
The Texanist
January 20, 2013
The Texanist
A fond look back at Temple, a.k.a. Ratsville and/or Tanglefoot, that fair burg wherein your dedicated advice columnist learned the location of the thin line between right and wrong.
The Texanist
January 20, 2013
The Texanist
Vegetarian offspring, a barroom dispute, maintaining the “Texas identity,” and whether anything can be done to cure a marriage-threatening case of snoring.
The Texanist
January 20, 2013
The Texanist
The trouble with black beans, an unnatural attachment to Texas license plates, the perils of striking up a conversation in the restroom, and the discomfort of two men riding together on the same Harley.
The Texanist
January 20, 2013
The Texanist
Is it legal to be buried on my own property? Illustration by Jack UnruhQ: My wife and I are working toward finally buying some property in Washington County to retire on and have a place for the kids and grandkids to come and enjoy the
The Texanist
January 1, 2013
The Texanist
Is the secret to good healthy actually “Crazy Water”? Illustration by Jack UnruhQ: I am a Texan of advanced age who is hearing all the clamor surrounding health care. I grew up in Mineral Wells, drinking the famed water they merchandise, and I enjoy great health
The Texanist
December 1, 2012
The Texanist
My husband wants to taxidermy our dog when he goes to that big yard in the sky. I don’t. Can I convince him this is wrong? Illustration by Jack UnruhQ: Our family dog is getting on in age, and my husband and I have begun to
The Texanist
April 30, 2012
Offering Fine Advice Since 2007
Boot-scooting in the right direction, leaving New York, wondering about the yardman, and trying out the cowgirl look when you’re no longer 25.
The Texanist
March 31, 2012
Offering Fine Advice Since 2007
How to respond to those weird bumper testicles, pledge allegiance to the flag, ask to see the top of someone’s boots, and decide between sweet and dill.
The Texanist
March 1, 2012
Offering Fine Advice Since 2007
Disciplining a wayward niece, care packages for Texas soldiers, revisiting South Padre, and the truth about raccoon penis bones.
The Texanist
February 1, 2012
Offering Fine Advice Since 2007
Learning to speak Texan, postprandial bed-sharing, how to start a fire, and a barber shop conundrum.
The Texanist
January 1, 2012
Offering Fine Advice Since 2007
Watching the Super Bowl on the sly, meeting the Hill Country neighbors, sharing a bed with man and dog, and smoking grapevine.
The Texanist
December 1, 2011
Offering Fine Advice Since 2007
Enforcing gravel-road etiquette, contemplating “turkey bacon,” reconsidering the bolo tie, and sussing out the true meaning of “goat roper.”
The Texanist
October 31, 2011
Offering Fine Advice Since 2007
Our advice columnist on roadkill cuisine, zip-up “cowboy boots,” people we may or may not hate, a proud “fourth- or sixth-generation” Texan, and the best place to propose.
The Texanist
September 30, 2011
Offering Fine Advice Since 2007
How do I explain topless sunbathing in Austin to my children? Illustration by Jack UnruhQ: I was in Austin visiting my brother recently, and he took me and my kids, a nine-year-old girl and a ten-year-old boy, to Barton Springs Pool to go swimming.
The Texanist
August 31, 2011
Offering Fine Advice Since 2007
Taxidermy and relationships, school colors abroad, and the proper terminology for a small piece of property.
The Texanist
July 31, 2011
Offering Fine Advice Since 2007
Expensive quinceañeras, dangerous toys, lawn-watering etiquette, and seasonal restrictions on chili consumption.
The Texanist
June 30, 2011
Offering Fine Advice Since 2007
Spousal adjustments, fly abatement, soccer parenting, and the truth about creased jeans.
The Texanist
April 30, 2011
Offering Fine Advice Since 2007
Picking bluebonnets, pastry terminology, angling laws, and the best way to respond to a speeding ticket.
The Texanist
March 31, 2011
Offering fine advice since 2007
Nicknames, parental discretion, summer camp, and the best way to talk about breast enlargement.
The Texanist
January 1, 2011
Offering Fine Advice Since 2007
School colors, wedding music, spare-ticket reimbursement, and why not to plant a mesquite for dear old granddad.
The Texanist
December 1, 2010
Offering fine advice since 2007
Aisle-scooting etiquette, slaughtering a turkey, skunk remedies, and the proper way to approach a group of ladies at a dance hall.
The Texanist
June 30, 2010
Offering fine advice since 2007
Rude diners, fraudulent Texans, anniversary presents, and the problem with mail-order steaks.
The Texanist
March 1, 2009
The Texanist: What Can I Do About Breaking in New Boots?
What’s the best way to break in new boots?
The Texanist
January 1, 2009
The Texanist: How Old Need a Boy Be to Receive His First Gun?
When can a child receive his first gun?
The Texanist
May 31, 2008
The Texanist: Can One Have Too Many Texas Tattoos?
Can one have too many Texas tattoos?
The Texanist
March 31, 2008
The Texanist: Is It Really Appropriate to Make Love in a Campground?
Help! My campsite neighbors are making love. Loudly.
The Texanist
January 1, 2008
The Texanist: How High Is Too High to Jack Up a Truck?
How high is too high to jack up a truck?