The Texanist
Offering fine advice since 2007.
Since July 2007, the Texanist has taught many a well-intentioned Texan how to properly conduct him- or herself. Is it ever okay to ask somebody how many acres he has? Is it acceptable to spit tobacco juice at the office? Can one have too many Texas-themed tattoos? Why is Big Red so good? Who knows? Wait, the Texanist does!
Offering fine advice since 2007.
Offering fine advice since 2007.
On why good neighbors mend good fences, drinkin' while dog walkin', and the proper way to dispose of bacon grease (hint: in your belly).
To Daniel Vaughn, New Barbecue Editor of Texas Monthly, on the Occasion of His First Day On the Job
On unleashing the hounds, the definition of a dance hall, and relieving one's self in the Gulf of Mexico.
On pecan picking, marrying a Californian, and apartment dwelling . . .
How are you doing as a raiser of authentic Texan offspring? Take this handy quiz and find out.
Oyster aphrodisiacs, hat manners, drill team attire, and why a man needs a weekender.
Wayward dog droppings, “barbecue” versus “grill,” flag displays, and the best way to get a husband to slim down.
School yard bullying, game-day taunts, gambling etiquette, and children who dislike bones in their meat.
The Texanist dishes up a heaping helping of fine advice.
A fond look back at Temple, a.k.a. Ratsville and/or Tanglefoot, that fair burg wherein your dedicated advice columnist learned the location of the thin line between right and wrong.
Vegetarian offspring, a barroom dispute, maintaining the “Texas identity,” and whether anything can be done to cure a marriage-threatening case of snoring.
The trouble with black beans, an unnatural attachment to Texas license plates, the perils of striking up a conversation in the restroom, and the discomfort of two men riding together on the same Harley.
Is it legal to be buried on my own property? Illustration by Jack UnruhQ: My wife and I are working toward finally buying some property in Washington County to retire on and have a place for the kids and grandkids to come and enjoy the
Is the secret to good healthy actually “Crazy Water”? Illustration by Jack UnruhQ: I am a Texan of advanced age who is hearing all the clamor surrounding health care. I grew up in Mineral Wells, drinking the famed water they merchandise, and I enjoy great health
My husband wants to taxidermy our dog when he goes to that big yard in the sky. I don’t. Can I convince him this is wrong? Illustration by Jack UnruhQ: Our family dog is getting on in age, and my husband and I have begun to
Boot-scooting in the right direction, leaving New York, wondering about the yardman, and trying out the cowgirl look when you’re no longer 25.
How to respond to those weird bumper testicles, pledge allegiance to the flag, ask to see the top of someone’s boots, and decide between sweet and dill.
Disciplining a wayward niece, care packages for Texas soldiers, revisiting South Padre, and the truth about raccoon penis bones.
Learning to speak Texan, postprandial bed-sharing, how to start a fire, and a barber shop conundrum.
Watching the Super Bowl on the sly, meeting the Hill Country neighbors, sharing a bed with man and dog, and smoking grapevine.
Enforcing gravel-road etiquette, contemplating “turkey bacon,” reconsidering the bolo tie, and sussing out the true meaning of “goat roper.”
Our advice columnist on roadkill cuisine, zip-up “cowboy boots,” people we may or may not hate, a proud “fourth- or sixth-generation” Texan, and the best place to propose.
How do I explain topless sunbathing in Austin to my children? Illustration by Jack UnruhQ: I was in Austin visiting my brother recently, and he took me and my kids, a nine-year-old girl and a ten-year-old boy, to Barton Springs Pool to go swimming.
Taxidermy and relationships, school colors abroad, and the proper terminology for a small piece of property.
Expensive quinceañeras, dangerous toys, lawn-watering etiquette, and seasonal restrictions on chili consumption.
Spousal adjustments, fly abatement, soccer parenting, and the truth about creased jeans.
Picking bluebonnets, pastry terminology, angling laws, and the best way to respond to a speeding ticket.
Nicknames, parental discretion, summer camp, and the best way to talk about breast enlargement.
School colors, wedding music, spare-ticket reimbursement, and why not to plant a mesquite for dear old granddad.
Aisle-scooting etiquette, slaughtering a turkey, skunk remedies, and the proper way to approach a group of ladies at a dance hall.
Rude diners, fraudulent Texans, anniversary presents, and the problem with mail-order steaks.
What’s the best way to break in new boots?
When can a child receive his first gun?
Can one have too many Texas tattoos?
Help! My campsite neighbors are making love. Loudly.
How high is too high to jack up a truck?