On Thursday in Houston, at a Harris County Democratic Party event, presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg said, “Now if I were from Texas, I might say Donald Trump is scared as a cat at the dog pound.” The Twitter-verse promptly ridiculed the former New York mayor for his attempt at faux folksiness, but we must confess that we believe Texas Monthly is to blame. Or, more precisely, whichever one of Bloomberg’s speechwriters googled “Texas sayings” and landed on this article from our archives.

Honestly, polling our staff this afternoon, none of us could recall ever having heard this aphorism before. Yet we’re always eager to be of assistance to Yankees who venture between our borders, so we’ve got a few other Texas-isms of questionable provenance that we’re happy to offer to Mike to break out on the campaign trail.

  1. More scared than a horse at a place that is not safe for horses
  2. Hotter than hair rollers in late August
  3. Taller than a fifteen-year-old at a preteen birthday party
  4. Neater than H-E-B plus! on Black Friday
  5. Louder than a cricket at a football game
  6. Longer than a month of leap days
  7. All cat and no cradle
  8. Prettier than a Chupacabra at the Battle of the Flowers
  9. Colder than your mom’s house on Easter mornin’
  10. Brighter than a sentient jalapeño popper
  11. Funnier than a day-old kolache in the neighbor’s yard
  12. Sweeter than the dark side of the Comanche moon
  13. Richer than Beyoncé’s long-term friend and stylist Marni Senofonte
  14. As blind as a health inspector in a parking lot full of homemade tamales being sold from car trunks at Christmas
  15. Dumber than a glass-bottom boat in Galveston Bay
  16. Meaner than the lunch lady at breakfast
  17. Cooler than a tall glass of water at the Austin City Limits Music Festival (Weekend 2)
  18. Uglier than a fence post at an outlet mall
  19. Cheaper than a two-bite brownie from a bake sale benefiting the FFA
  20. More uncomfortable than Mike Bloomberg trying to be folksy