In an interview with Fox & Friends, former Texas governor and soon-to-be-former secretary of energy Rick Perry said that President Trump was “chosen by God to do great things,” like Kings David, Saul, and Solomon. In recent days, Texas Monthly editors obtained an exclusive look at the soon-to-be-released newest book of the Bible. Here is the Gospel according to Rick Perry.

 

CHAPTER ONE

1. Now there was a certain man of New York Queens, of Jamaica Estates, and his name was Donald, the son of Frederick, the son of Johannes, the son of Drumpf.

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2. And he had many wives; the name of the one was Ivana, and the name of the other Marla, and there was Melania, and all begat children, but Donald loved only Ivanka.

3. And this man went out to the cities weekly to preach to the crowds and to worship himself and to lock her up. And the people made the sacrifice and the LORD placed Donald into the office of the elongated circle.

4. And Rex, the son of Tillerson, and Jim, the son of Mattis, were there. And the little Jeff, son of Sessions, told the King Donald that he loved him. And there was Rick, son of Perry, star of Dancing and bearer of good hair.

5. And the LORD sayeth Rex and Jim and Jeff shall moveth on, but Rick went daily to the temple of Energy. And he did not say Oops.

CHAPTER TWO

1. And the King Donald did many great and wonderful things, that is what everybody was saying. And in the land Donald saved the children from vaping until the LORD commandeth vaping was good. And the LORD told Donald the news was fake and the Times failing. Jesus wept.

2. And there was Hunter, son of Joe, who had the demon Nepotism within him. And Nepotism came to Donald and sayeth let me shine a light upon your sons and call out unto all the Kingdoms of Capitalism yay they are great and smart and qualified, but Donald did not need him because Donald was fantastic. That is what everybody was saying.

3. And so the demon Nepotism went back to the House of Biden. And the man Hunter had gone out from the district to the kingdom of Ukraine, where there was also the server of her emails.

4. And the father Joe had conspired with the Kenyan Obama, who the LORD had anointed to rile the base. And the father Joe cast out the good prosecutor of Ukraine. And the man Hunter was happy. And the demon Nepotism deposited upon him much gold.

5. But the LORD sayeth unto Donaldd lock him up, and so the King Donald called upon Volodymyr, son of Zelensky, and commandeth he cast out the demon of Nepotism. And there was no quid pro quo.

CHAPTER THREE

1. And there were three amigos. And the one was named Gordon, son of Sondland, and the other was named Kurt, son of Volker. And there was Rick, star of Dancing, who did not say Oops.

2. And they knew the man Rudy, son of Giuliani, dialer of butts, who went upon the television weekly and called out to the Kingdom of Fox many things that were not embarrassing.

3. And Rudy, dialer of backsides, lawyer of Donald, did not call upon the department of State, but went out of the city for forty days and forty nights to slayeth the demon Nepotism in the Kingdom of Ukraine. And he did many wonderful and non-embarrassing things for the King Donald. And there was no quid pro quo.

4. And the three amigos knew of the man Rudy and of his quest and they knew that Donald had called upon the Kingdom of Ukraine to cast out the demon of Nepotism and its brother Corruption. And when they knew this and how much they knew dependeth upon whom you ask.

5. And the demon Pelosi cast darkness upon King Donald and opened articles of impeachment even though there was no quid pro quo. And the man Sondland took an oath and said many things to the people. And Joaquin the bearded, brother of Julián the shaven, was there. And Jim, son of Jordan, was angry and rent his garments and, lo, the base was made to gnash its teeth.

6. And the man Rick prayed and the LORD said unto him it is time for you to leave from the temple of Energy. And Rick did not say Oops but did that which the LORD had commanded, and he sayeth unto his people I shall leave the temple of oil and gas so that I may dance more. But this had nothing to do with King Donald or the man Rudy or the three amigos. No no not at all.

7. And anyway there was no quid pro quo

8. The LORD, who knoweth every hair upon Rick’s immaculate head, hath spoken to Rick and commanded unto him to tell the base: No one else was on that call. At no point before, during or after that phone call did the words Biden or Burisma go into the earholes of the man Rick, son of Perry, star of Dancing, who did not say Oops.