
The 2023 Bum Steer Awards
The dopes, villains, and terrible ideas that bedeviled our beloved state over the past twelve months. (This time, with slightly less Ted Cruz!)
The dopes, villains, and terrible ideas that bedeviled our beloved state over the past twelve months. (This time, with slightly less Ted Cruz!)
How a funky little college town became the unbearable-traffic, unaffordable-real-estate, insufferable-tech-bro, inanely-precious-restaurant, expensive-BBQ capital of the world!
Greg Abbott’s $4 billion program to deter migration . . . doesn’t seem to be deterring migration.
Texas Monthly recently acquired the (fake!) résumé of one Gilberto Hinojosa, the seemingly indefatigable chair of the long-suffering Texas Democratic party. We print it here in full.
An open letter to Louie Gohmert, the Bum Steer Hall of Fame’s newest inductee!
(Fake!) excerpts from the campaign diary of a displaced Texan, summer–fall 2022.
An A-to-Z list of 25 Lone Star State residents who disgraced themselves last January 6.
Six years after he became governor, we still don’t know what Greg Abbott wants to accomplish—except, as this year made clear, to hold on to office, no matter how many Texans get hurt.
Because it grew so overconfident about its ability to win Texas that it didn’t bother to figure out how to win Texas, the state’s Democratic party is our Bum Steer of the Year!
Can you help Texas's attorney general escape the long arm of the law?
The not-quite-twenty Texans who spectacularly disgraced themselves during the pandemic.
In Harris County, two public officials fought off legal challenges to hold a successful election in the middle of a pandemic.
Plus, feeling grateful for our gimlet-eyed deputy editor, Jeff Salamon.
For breaking new ground in being bad at being bad, Texas Speaker of the House Dennis Bonnen has earned one half of our annual booby prize!
For abandoning the state that had lifted him up from obscurity, Beto O’Rourke is the winner of one half of our annual booby prize!
Beto O'Rourke, Dennis Bonnen, and the Houston Astros make our annual dishonor roll, along with assorted lesser-known idiots and evildoers.
An open letter to a team that made us all proud—and then started whiffing.
The disgraced former congressman is our third runner-up for his eagerness to enrich himself—or at least pay his kennel bills—in a transparently illegal manner.
The former Dallas County sheriff, our second runner-up, ran the worst gubernatorial campaign in Texas since the last time a Democrat went up against Greg Abbott.
The former congressman’s troublesome professional ethics, alleged caddish behavior, and questionable taste in adult-size onesie pajamas made him our first runner-up.
Our Bum Steer of the Year, the radio host dragged our democracy into the same sewer he crawled out of so many years ago.
Welcome back to our annual roundup of Texas's most ridiculous and idiotic endeavors, featuring political personalities, flashy figures, and plenty of nameless ne'er-do-wells.
The Houston Texans owner nabs sixth place, for saying of his players’ decision to kneel during the National Anthem: “We can’t have the inmates running the prison.”
This year, virtually everyone embarrassed themselves—and the rest of us.
The Austin-based office captured third place for the botched investigation of state representative Dawnna Dukes.
The outgoing congressman takes eighth place for his refusal to face the truth about climate change.
The East Texas congressman takes seventh place for his wack-job debut as an infographic creator.
It was a year of amateurish attorneys, buck-naked burglars, credulous coal-walkers, doughnut detractors, empty-headed educators, fund-raising fabulists, grumbling graduates, hacked highway signs, ill-timed imitators, judgment-justifying Jerry Joneses, kavalier Katrinas, lime-laden locoweed, misguided mattress merchants, naive notes, outré outfits, pitmaster poseurs, questionable quarterbacks, reactive racists, slipshod spellers, taco tiffs, unwise users,
Hey, Senator Davis! Congratulations! The results are in, and you and the Democrats won by a landslide!
From arrogant announcers to zany zygotes—and everything in between—it was a banner year for the Bum Steers.
And the winners are . . .
It was a year of avaricious Astros fans, brainless bank robbers, competence-free comptrollers, discourteous doctors, enraged exes, frisky Frisco-ites, greedy gram-toting grandmothers, hotheaded hand surgeons, ill-informed idiots, jammed-full Jaguars, knife-krazy Kimbroughs, lambasted Lufkinites, mean-spirited magazine articles, nervy narcotics users, obtuse O’Neals, profane pilots, quazy Quaids, romantically rejected receivers, surveilling Scientologists,
Sometimes you just have to see it (and hear it) to believe it.
It was a year of appalling analogies, bare-naked Badu, collapsing Cowboys, dim-witted Daughters of the Republic of Texas, egregious Ethics Commission, felonious fishermen (not to mention frisky firefighters), G-rated (not) guards, hilarious headlines, imperial incumbents, jackass judges (as always!), klutzy kat rescuers, legendarily lame and losing Longhorns, mind-boggling menus, noncompliant
A year of asking-for-it Aggies, badass broccoli, contraband coffee, Death Row decor, extrapolating elephants, faux feet, god-awful gimmickry, humongous heavyweights, incomparable ironers, judicial jimjams, kaput kowtowers, lame-brained liberals, moping millionaires, NASA ninnies, off-putting officials, prize-winning pignappers, quasi-comic quipsters, red-handed rapscallions, scarfable sod, theoretical thongs, ungodly ungulates, vomiting vegetation, wild-eyed window-breakers,
It was a year of aggrieved actors, banned boobs, Cuban commodes, DeLay denial, errant Elmo, frisky floaters, grouchy governors, hung hoopsters, immigration insensitivity, job-seeking judges, klobbered Karl, Longhorn lushes, miffed musicians, nude no-no’s, ousted Osteens, peeved passers, quarreling queens, riled Rangers, subpar sheriffs, tiny “terrorists,” unseemly URLs, vice presidential violence,
It was a year of accomplice apes, bedraggled Bugattis, Christlike Cheetos, dim-witted deli-owning Democrats, egregious errata, fatal foreplay, gun-toting golfers, heartless high school hoopsters, ignoble implants, jackass judges, killer Kims, laughingstock legislators, miniature museum mummies, nincompoop ne’er-do-wells, overwhelming odors, pandering Perry, quazy Quaids, reassuring Riddle, shameless Stanford, territorial T. Boone,
A year of asinine actresses, bare-bottomed bongos, curious car washes, dunderheaded deejays, elongated enchiladas, furious filmgoers, Gore goofs, huge hydrants, ice in demand, jettisoned Jagger, kooky Kansans, lecherous legislators, misinformed McDonald's, newsmaker nuts, odorous ocelots, promiscuous passengers, questionable quizzes, ridiculous recipes, speedy sports-team owners, traveling toilets, ubiquitous underwear, vapid vegetarians,
BUT YOUR BETTER HALF CAN COME, HONCameron County sheriff Omar Lucio did not invite district attorney Yolanda de Leon to a barbecue for law enforcement officials because the party was for men only.SORRY. I MEANT TRAILER GENTRYIn a TV interview during the Kerrville capital murder trial of Darlie Routier, Dallas
HE GOT NAILEDRound Rock mayor Charlie Culpepper apologized to “all of the purveyors of fasteners that operate in our city” after he was quoted in a newspaper article as saying “you couldn’t buy a nut, bolt, or screw in Round Rock without going to Wal-Mart.”NEXT TIME MAKE IT “HEALTHY BOVINE”A
The Bum Steers Math Quiz.
The Bleacher Bible By Chris Sneed, Cotten Publishing of Lubbock, $9.95. Heckling manual by a diehard Texas Tech Red Raiders baseball fan. “You’ve got jungle disease: you look like Tarzan but you swing like Jane.”Cigar Chic: A Woman’s Perspective By Tomima Edmark of Dallas, The Summit Publishing
A year of altered antlers, bawdy broadcasters, comedian corrections, dining detectives, emancipated emus, fossilized felines, gullible Gore, hemline harassment, insatiable igniters, jazzed-up jewelry, Kay’s kennelwear, lottery loonies, metric madness, numerous nudes, 007 oenophiles, poultry protesters, questionable quizzes, revengeful revenuers, Spam slingers, tie tirades, unallowed uniforms, variant videotapers, warning! water, x-humed
JanuaryBEN BARNES Under fire by federal authorities, the former lieutenant governor gives up his $25,000-a-month lobbying contract for Gtech, the company that runs the Texas Lottery. Not to worry, though. Later it is announced that Gtech agreed to pay Barnes and an associate $23 million to buy out the contract.FebruaryTEXAS
RADIO GIRLS 1998 CALENDAR, featuring five women deejays from Texas, including (left) Cindy Scull of KEGL-FM, Dallas, from RML Productions of San Antonio: $12.95.PETMITT, a disposable pet-waste mitt for scooping up doggy doo, designed by Betsy Aberg and Virginia Prejean of Dallas, from PetMitt of Dallas, available by calling 1-800-PETMITT:
It was a year of angry Aggies, Baptist bravado, confused Cheney, death row drollery, enemas in evidence, fetid feet, ghetto gobbledygook, helicopter hunts, insurance idiocy, jerk judges, kin kidnappers, lawbreaking Longhorns, meshuggener misfires, NASA nimrods, Oswald online, pooped-on presidents, quick quarrels, requested roaches, scrotum-scarring Sooners, taped teenagers, unhinged urinators, visible
It was a year of abbreviated Aggies, bamboozling boxers, charged Cuban, dumb district attorneys, estrogen-packed elevators, famished firemen, graveyard ganja, half-wit husbands, imaginary illegal immigrants, Jessica jests, koncert kayos, lawn-watering Lance, muddled Moron, next-of-kin-offending newspapers, oblivious operators, pornographic prom dresses, questionable quiz takers, repulsive Roger, stolen shih tzus, tasteless team
Where is Alfred Hitchcock When You Need Him?The Texas Department of Agriculture fined a crop duster in Wilbarger County $1,250 for spraying pesticide on a family of four in a pickup truck.Drive Friendly—I’m Uninsured.To avoid Texas insurance and safety standards, at least two thousand drivers from El Paso illegally purchased
Famous Fun Feuds.
A year of alternative armadillos, bogus bills, contraband condoms, defecting drivers, eventful endorsements, futile floss, gorgeous golfers, humongous hair, imploding implants, jet joyrides, Kansas City klunkers, licentious libraries, mayoral Mafiosi, N-vaded N-dians, outlaw odors, phighting physicists, queasy quesadillas, royal relatives, shunned Schwarzkopf, tainted teachers, underworld underwear, verbose vasectomies, welfare Willies,