Editor’s Note: This year we partnered with our friends at Bum Steers News to bring you the most shocking, outrageous, and ridiculous Bum Steer issue ever. Below, you’ll find a preview of their incredible findings. The full report will be available on newsstands next week. Get in line now!
HOUSTON — According to the astonishing new results of an exhaustive twelve-month study published for the first time in Bum Steer News and jointly conducted by NASA, the Centers for Disease Control, the West Abilene Psychic Certification Center, and the Corpus Christi Metal Detecting Club, last year was the fourth-bum-steeriest year in Texas history. The only steerier years have been 1982 (#3), 1845 (#2), and 1957 (#1 on the basis of the Amarillo Zombie Outbreak and subsequent alien invasion that installed Price Daniel as governor). Causes of the 2013 steer surge are still unknown but may include contamination of the drinking water in certain parts of the state by a mutant steer virus, as well as the curse of an ancient bum steer mummy.
NASA steertistician Dr. Elwin Harlock, lead researcher on the project, noted a preponderance of bad behavior in the Dallas area, explaining, “Historically, we have found that an individual known as Jerry Jones is likely to boost the results for the Metroplex. But 2013 was a relatively quiet year for him, and Dallas still exceeded our expectations.”
However, the epicenter of the steerpocalypse, as many are calling it, appears to have been Houston. In 2013 the metro area produced an unfathomably horrible baseball team, a phenomenally bad football team, a lieutenant governor prone to embarrassing moments on the telephone, and a U.S. senator prone to shutting down the federal government while reading nursery rhymes from the dais. Then, to top it all off, the city’s voters declined to save the Eighth Wonder of the World. In fact, the three largest sources of steerishness identified by Dr. Harlock are all located in the Bayou City. That would be the Houston Astros, the Houston Texans, and Lieutenant Governor David Dewhurst. Research shows a steertistical dead heat among these contenders, making them our joint Bum Steers of the Year!
January 2014 cover, so you’ll know what to look for.