The TM Daily Post will be offline until December 27, but before we go, here’s how we think we could help twelve prominent Texans have themselves a merry little Christmas.
In order to avoid journalists trying to glean how Rick Perry’s back is feeling from his choice of footwear, we’d have Lucchese whip up a stylish pair of orthopedic cowboy boots for the busy presidential candidate.
We know she doesn’t need Formula 1 tickets (somebody is bound to hook her up), so we’d like to get her firewall and Internet security software so that in the future, the state’s taxpayers’ personal information will be safe.
If we were still a sovereign nation, we’d appoint Willie Nelson ambassador-for-life, giving him full diplomatic immunity in any country to which he might travel (the United States included). Never again would he be hassled by local police.
Polygamist leader Warren Jeffs has kept himself busy in the various Texas jail cells he’s occupied this year by writing out apocalyptic proclamations and mailing them to government officials. We’d buy him some stamps and paper, lest he run out. Or else just buy him a very difficult jigsaw puzzle in an attempt to calm his mind.
What do you get the man who has everything—including an NBA championship? Oh, right. Another one.
What we’d like to get him: a general manager. What he probably wants? An early playoff loss for the Texans.
Tina Knowles supposedly sprung for a $3,500 clear, acrylic crib for her unborn granddaughter, otherwise we’d pick up this $6,000 crib shaped like Cinderella’s carriage for Beyonce and Jay-Z. Since she’s covered, we’d gift Beyonce this $17,000, white-gold pacifier encrusted with 278 diamonds.
If we could, we’d try to land him a full-time job as director of social media for the Republican candidate (or organization) of his choice.
Texas Forest Service director Thomas Boggus
This is one instance where it wouldn’t be at all tacky to just give cash. Or, if we had the power, rain.
Thanks to all those Ryan Gosling fans, he might actually get $100 million gross for his mysterious next movie Lawless.
Forget that. What is Exxon/Mobil’s CEO getting the rest of us?
And we leave you all with this Texas classic . . .