It’s Cyber Monday, that annual holiday dreamed up by online retailers that we all just collectively decided to go along with. Coupled with Black Friday, it means the shopping season has officially kicked into gear. And while you’re out there on the cyber-highway—perusing deals from the usual big-box retailers, browsing mass-market products in the hope of finding the perfect gift that’s uniquely tailored to each of the special people in your life—don’t forget about Etsy. The e-commerce website is a veritable bazaar of one-of-a-kind handmade and vintage gifts, all catering to the niche interests of some surprisingly narrow demographics, without the burden of meddlesome corporate middlemen or quality control.
Naturally, it’s also a great place to find presents for the proud Texan, whose love of being pandered to with sundry Texas-themed thingamabobs is as huge as the state they love buying things in the shape of. To help you in your quest, we dug through nearly 250 pages of Etsy things tagged as “Texas” to find gifts so unique, they’re sure to surprise everyone on your list.
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Whereas most car air fresheners are slim, puny affairs with no known links to mouth cancer, this model fashioned from an old Copenhagen lid has all the comforting heft of a thick wad of chaw. Aroma beads “scented to the max” are arranged in the shape of the Lone Star State, and they come in a variety of pleasing, smokeless smells from “Leather & Lace” to “Monkey Farts” (bananas, coconuts, and pineapples). It’s all topped off with a real, upcycled dip lid, letting your passengers know they’re riding shotgun in a gen-yoo-ine Texan’s artificially banana-scented car.
For Texans who fervently believe in their Second Amendment rights but are tired of falling asleep clutching their guns, these nightstands, “handmade by a U.S. Navy veteran,” offer a practical, aesthetically pleasing solution. Now your firearms can sleep tight in their own custom-made drawers fitted with a secure RFID lock—accessible at a moment’s notice, and close enough that you can kiss them goodnight—available in Texas flag, “cowgirl chic” turquoise, and regular wood stains.
Just because they’re animals with no comprehension of geography doesn’t mean your pets aren’t also proud Texans, if that’s what you’ve decided for them. Buy your cat or dog their very own tiny cowboy hat with their name—or your favorite epithet for them—spelled out in sparkling crystal letters along the brim. They’ll be the belle of their little cat birthday party, or whatever else you’ve arranged largely for your own amusement! Each hat is made with hand-stitched leatherette and lined with luxurious black suede your pet will enjoy chewing on and later barfing up.
This unique necklace finds the letters “GOP” nearly suffocating the entire state of Texas, much as in real life. It’s a one-of-a-kind find for a one-of-a-kind person, someone whose undying love for the Republican party hangs like a gaudy weight around the neck, boasting the appearance of gold but, upon closer inspection, just “gold-filled” and rather hollow. It’s a great conversation-starter for discussions that were only ever going to go one way.
If it’s vintage and potentially toxic pieces you’re after, look no further than this old can of rat poison, made by the now-defunct Adobe Laboratories in Fort Worth. The authentic can of Globe Rid-Rat contains both liquid and powder poison, its cover boasting that it “Kills Rats” while offering the rather creepy addendum “(They Die Outside).” So … that’s fun! And because it was all made in Texas a long, long time ago, it counts as some kind of arcane collector’s item and not just somebody’s old trash.
Here’s a fun novelty shirt for anyone who has found their forever love with a Texan, but who also feels a sense of dread they desperately need to make public. This tee should have everyone who sees it in stitches, while they also secretly wonder to themselves whether you’re okay. Are you okay? You know, just because someone is from Texas is not, in itself, an excuse for troubling behavior—and definitely not the kind that should require God’s intervention. We’re here if you need to talk.
Texas A&M Rosary Beads $43.35
Are you praying for your family, your friends, or that person you saw in the upsetting T-shirt? As you say your Hail Marys, asking God for his divine mercy, don’t make the blasphemous mistake of leaving out your beloved Aggies! Use these rosary beads fitted with various Texas A&M baubles, and He will bestow his blessings unto you, unless He is a UT fan. It’s the perfect gift for devout Catholics who love the Lord almost as much as college football.
If you worship a slightly more assertive, decidedly less forgiving god, your living room sternly demands this 8-by-10 of Chuck Norris. This reprint of an autographed head shot finds Norris in his famed Walker, Texas Ranger garb, wagging a reproachful finger, as if to say, “Yeah, so it’s not an original signature—but I’d shut your mouth if I were you.”
Joanna Gaines onesie $9.95
Fix up your boring, ranch-style baby with this chic onesie that pays tribute to Waco’s own reality TV stars/feudal lords Chip and Joanna Gaines, whose soothing voices and pleasing shapes have lulled many a toddler into thinking they, too, should get wainscoting. The slogan “You Had Me At Farmhouse, Shiplap, Demo Day & Joanna Gaines #fixerupper” is rendered in rustic fonts over a classic ivory background, instantly making your newly stylish baby the focal point of any room.
If you’re one of the many thousands of Texas denizens whose husband works in an oilfield, then prove it already by wearing this hand-stamped necklace, or forever risk being confused for the partner of a guy who only works in oil administration or, god forbid, oil marketing. This lovely pewter jewelry piece features a spurting oil derrick and letters spelling out, clear as day, that you’re an “Oilfield Wife,” so no one will ever make that humiliating mistake again.
What does the famed Star Wars ship have to do with Texas, anyway? Why would anyone think to combine the two into this embroidered patch? Well, Texas also has a certain rebel spirit, we suppose. And who is Han Solo if not a space cowboy, out there riding the intergalactic range? Look, people stick both Star Wars and the Texas flag on all sorts of crap. What’s with the questions?
Houston Texans defensive end J.J. Watt may be out for the rest of the season with an injury, but at least he can still warm the benches of your earlobes. These handmade earrings, crafted from heavily shellacked card stock, come in several designs of Watt’s face—from smiling to screaming to staring blankly ahead—allowing the wearer to tailor their outfit to any professional or social occasion. No matter the dress code, you’ll always look ready to knock someone on their ass.
Do you love the rich history of the Texas Legislature and/or blurry photos of chairs? This fine art print gives you both, featuring a close-up of a desk in the actual Texas Senate chamber that’s been stacked with papers—presumably some exciting new legislation that’s now being waylaid while the missing senators in the photo take another long recess. Hang this in your office and it’s almost like you’re right there, bearing witness while those proposals get voted down in real time.
If it’s iconic Texas images you’re after, none say, “I guess this is also in Texas?” like a photo of the small regional chain DW’s Adult Video, whose sign is instantly familiar to anyone who’s driven across the Oklahoma border through Wichita Falls—not that they’ve ever stopped there! They just recognize the sign and, uh, have a healthy curiosity about it, and they appreciate the natural beauty of Texas landmarks. As the photographer puts it, “You know you’re in Texas when you see DW’s,” and that’s a pretty good explanation for why it’s on your wall, right?
This Christmas, tell your loved one they’re just like the Texas highway: beautiful, full of surprises, and littered with rotting animal carcasses. The small, dead armadillo on this necklace has been rendered in hand-sculpted polymer clay for an authentically smooshed texture, then carefully pressed with tire treads that really seem like they might have murdered this poor creature just trying to live its life on the rapidly shrinking margin between wilderness and civilization. It makes for a whimsical pendant that will help your beloved stand out from the typical diamonds and pearls—or so you can explain, in increasingly frantic tones.
Who doesn’t love heading out to the woods and collecting some authentic Texas pinecones? But amid the hustle and bustle of this holiday season, who doesn’t wish that someone else would collect those pinecones, then sell them back to them for a considerable markup? These pinecones were all scooped up on the seller’s farm in Livingston, a favorite family pastime they say they’ve managed to turn into a modest profit by flipping them to lazy people in bundles of 40 or so. As the description states, “They are perfect for crafts, potpourri, and burning in the fireplace,” all without the added hassles of walking and bending over.
What would another holiday season be without pondering your imminent death, seeing as the end of yet another year has brought it closer than ever? Fortunately, dying doesn’t mean you have to stop collecting Texas-themed knickknacks! Show your state pride even after you’re gone by having your ashes poured into this ceramic urn shaped like a longhorn steer—a fitting memorial for the UT football fan who died before they got to see another winning season, or just anyone with “an unwavering love for all things Texas,” even from beyond the grave. Every urn comes with a handy wall mount for displaying, because otherwise how is anyone supposed to know you were from Texas?