Every once in a while, feral hogs make international news. This happened in 2019, when one man’s tweet about seeing “thirty to fifty” in his yard blew up and became one of the internet’s more enduring memes. It happened again this week, when dozens of hogs were caught on camera rampaging through holiday-decorated yards in the Houston suburb of Sienna, in Fort Bend County. For Texans, hogs aren’t exactly big news. Our state has at least 2.6 million of them, and they cause an estimated $52 million in agricultural damage every year. They’re everywhere, and to see feral hogs in the wild is to be shocked by how many more of them there are than you expected. There’s no stopping them. You can shoot them all you want from a helicopter, but you won’t put a dent in the population. The Fort Bend County news was worrisome, though, if only because it offered further proof that hogs aren’t confined to our state’s rural counties: they’ve breached the ’burbs.
The hogs are coming for your nice lawn, and your string lights, and your plastic Santas. To celebrate this inevitability, we’ve rewritten the classic carol “The Twelve Days of Christmas” to acknowledge the many unique gifts our beloved state provides. Pour yourself a hot (or cold, given the weather we’ve been having) cup of cider, gather a choir of friends and family, and enjoy!
On the first day of Christmas
My Texas gave to me
Thirty to fifty feral hogs.
On the second day of Christmas
My Texas gave to me
Two generators
And thirty to fifty feral hogs.
On the third day of Christmas
My Texas gave to me
Three alrights
Two generators
And thirty to fifty feral hogs.
On the fourth day of Christmas
My Texas gave to me
Four crawfish boils
Three alrights
Two generators
And thirty to fifty feral hogs.
On the fifth day of Christmas
My Texas gave to me
Five giant mums
Four crawfish boils
Three alrights
Two generators
And thirty to fifty feral hogs.
On the sixth day of Christmas
My Texas gave to me
Six Beyoncé albums
Five giant mums
Four crawfish boils
Three alrights
Two generators
And thirty to fifty feral hogs.
On the seventh day of Christmas
My Texas gave to me
Seven Marfa hipsters
Six Beyoncé albums
Five giant mums
Four crawfish boils
Three alrights
Two generators
And thirty to fifty feral hogs.
On the eighth day of Christmas
My Texas gave to me
Eight Willies wailing
Seven Marfa hipsters
Six Beyoncé albums
Five giant mums
Four crawfish boils
Three alrights
Two generators
And thirty to fifty feral hogs.
On the ninth day of Christmas
My Texas gave to me
Nine briskets smoking
Eight Willies wailing
Seven Marfa hipsters
Six Beyoncé albums
Five giant mums
Four crawfish boils
Three alrights
Two generators
And thirty to fifty feral hogs.
On the tenth day of Christmas
My Texas gave to me
Ten Teds a-lyin’
Nine briskets smoking
Eight Willies wailing
Seven Marfa hipsters
Six Beyoncé albums
Five giant mums
Four crawfish boils
Three alrights
Two generators
And thirty to fifty feral hogs.
On the eleventh day of Christmas
My Texas gave to me
Eleven Longhorns losing
Ten Teds a-lyin’
Nine briskets smoking
Eight Willies wailing
Seven Marfa hipsters
Six Beyoncé albums
Five giant mums
Four crawfish boils
Three alrights
Two generators
And thirty to fifty feral hogs.
On the twelfth day of Christmas
My Texas gave to me
Twelve tamales steaming
Eleven Longhorns losing
Ten Teds a-lyin’
Nine briskets smoking
Eight Willies wailing
Seven Marfa hipsters
Six Beyoncé albums
Five giant mums
Four crawfish boils
Three alrights
Two generators
And thirty to fifty feral hogs.
