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Houston, Two Of Your Sons Need To Go Home And Call It A Night

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Okay, Houston, we should talk, because you’re not going to like what you see here. Deadspin, the sports news and gossip arm of the Gawker network, balances its coverage of breaking stories with stuff like “Tuesday Night Fights,” where they snark on street-fight videos on YouTube. And last night’s edition featured two drunk H-Town bros brawling in broad daylight at the Texas Crawfish Music Festival in Old Town Spring.  

The video, if it’s not clear from the fact that it’s footage of two guys trying to punch each other out in the midst of a festival, is pretty NSFW . But perhaps even sadder than the footage is the commentary that Deadspin ran along with it, by Texan Tashina Richardson:

“Houston is the Detroit of Texas,” a friend said Sunday night.

Until the age of 9, I grew up in Texas City, Texas, a suburb of sorts between Houston and Galveston (if Houston is Detroit, Texas City is Flint). I had the pleasure of living mere blocks away from the Gulf of Mexico, which was covered in tar balls, dead birds, used condoms and radioactive sea creatures. And that was the tourist-y part!

The Houston area is inundated with refineries, and in my completely non-professional opinion, everyone’s heads are half-brain, half-petroleum. All anyone does is drink beer and talk shit, which inevitably leads to idiotic fights wherein bros tuck their pants into their work boots and set about removing each other’s clothing.

Maybe you’re thinking, “isn’t that what all bros do?” Well, yes, but Houston bros have even LESS to live for than regular bros. All they have are a shitty refinery jobs, common-law wives and enough money to buy a twelver of Budweiser every night in order to drink away the desire to put a shotgun in the mouth and pull the trigger. 

Yow. Read the whole thing, if you want to see Houston reflected in the harshest possible light.

Image via Flickr.

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