Don’t fall for this. Don’t let McDonald’s win.

The fast food giant is currently running contests (read: ad campaigns) across the country asking people to create region-specific burgers for menus. In Chicago, the end result was something called the “ChiTown Classic,” made with bacon, ham, and pepper jack cheese. And now the contest has moseyed down to the Lone Star with no small amount of panderific marketing. It’s called the “Burger Showdown,” and asks participants to create “the first official burger for the great state of Texas.” Although submissions are already closed, voting for the contest begins on April 2 with $5,000 at stake.

The problem here is that you can’t just decide you’re going to make an official burger for Texas, because we have unofficial burger: Whataburger.

Whataburger, founded in 1950 in Corpus Christi has fed hungry Texans from Selena Quintanilla to Britt Daniel to your grandmother. It is the fast food chain of Texas. It is the burger of Texas. Although a McDonald’s burger might be the only thing that’ll survive the impending apocalypse besides cockroaches, a few feral dogs, and Will Smith, we’ll stick with our state’s old standby. 

It is your Texas civic duty to ignore this, or at least troll your way into becoming $5,000 richer. You’ll have $5,000 in dishonorable cash, but that cash is still good for rent, so nobody could seriously blame you. In any case, if McDonald’s insists that we need an official Texas burger from its own franchise, we’d like to throw in some suggestions.

Triple Bypass Burger

  • one pound beef patty
  • six ounces of pure lard
  • macaroni and cheese
  • ½ pound of bacon
  • mustard
  • absolutely no vegetables whatsoever (yes, ketchup counts)
    * burger is then deep fried


Breakfast Taco Burger

  • eggs
  • pico
  • some bacon
  • quarter-pound beef patty
  • hash browns
    * served on an thick stack of tortillas


Mama’s Chicken-Fried Steak

  • chicken fried steak beer battered with Lonestar beer
  • green beans
  • mashed potatoes
  • gravy
    *we realize this isn’t really a burger, but when is chicken-fried steak not good? Actually, maybe it’s not good from a fast-food window


Yeehaw Whoohoo Barbecue Burger

  • one pound of pork
  • potato salad
  • barbecue sauce
  • jalapeños
  • onions
  • single pickle chip
    * served on rolls instead of traditional bun


Chopped N’ Screwed Burger

  • two beef patties
  • three buns
  • iceberg lettuce
  • American cheese
  • pickles
  • onions
  • purple Big Mac sauce
    *basically the Big Mac, but with purple Big Mac sauce


Jerry Jones’s Cowboys Burger

  • bun branded with Cowboys logo by way of a hot branding iron
  • one pound Angus beef patty
  • lettuce
  • tomatoes
  • bacon
  • pulled pork
  • disappointment


The Anything For Selenas Burger

  • a Filet-O-Fish box with a $10 gift card to Whataburger inside


The Highland Park Burger

  • truffle oil
  • wagyu beef
  • kale
  • avocado
  • caviar
  • gruyere cheese



  • fresh, never frozen, 100 percent pure American beef, grilled and seasoned to perfection
  • mustard
  • lettuce
  • tomatoes
  • pickles
  • diced onions
  • toasted five-inch bun
    *actually is a delicious Whataburger