Yesterday, Chuck Norris — the man, the myth, the legend, and most importantly, the Texas Ranger — turned 74. Luckily, one blog collected some of the finer Walker moments featured on Late Night with Conan O’Brien. Hopefully, this news of Walker’s age isn’t has shocking or abrupt to fans as, say, the time Walker told Haley Joel Osment he had AIDS:
Just in time for the music portion of SXSW to begin, a UT journalism student tweeted her terrified reaction to seeing a surprise Justin Bieber concert at Bangers on Sunday. She looks truly Biebified. It must be a common reaction, because the Tweet itself has gone viral. And with that, the student herself can now drop out of school and pursue a career as a meme-celebrity:
— María Núñez (@marianunez64) March 10, 2014
Honest Is a Policy — Kids say the darndest things these days. Things like, “we are burying a body.” In a incident as bizarre as it is horrifying, two Wylie sixteen-year-olds were seen by cops leaving the woods on a Saturday night. When asked what kind of trouble they were getting into, they replied exactly as quoted. “When police looked in the woods northeast of Dallas they found the corpse” of the teens’s peer. “No motive has been released,” according to ABC News, but the two forthright teens have been chraged with murder.
‘Deleterious Effect’ — Infamous baby killer, Andrea Yates, won’t be making public apparences any time soon. The Clear Lake mother, who was found criminal insane after drowning her five children and sent to the state psychiatric hospital has withdrawn her “request to attend group outings with other patients … like picnics,” according to the Houston Chronicle. News that Yates might be enjoying some relaxing moments beside a playground obvious drew media attention. So much so that her doctors said that “stress induced by the public scrutiny of her case and its ‘deleterious effect’ outweighed any therapeutic benefit from a group pass.”
Lit Guv Buc-ee — Want well-lit parking lots? Soda available in every conceivable flavor? Spotless public bathrooms? Then vote Dan Patrick for lieutenant governor! None of those are actual campaign promises (because Lit Guvs don’t actually do anything), but the world-famous-in-Texas Buc-ee’s roadside megastore has officially endorsed Patrick. In response to the flattering support, Patrick released a photo of him and the beaver. No word yet as to whether David Dewhurst is actively wooing the folks at Topo Chico.
Tech’d Off — Have the Red Raiders began their Bronze Age? Texas Tech head coach Kliff Gosling, er, Kingsbury, has snagged some new-hotness in five-star quarterback Jarrett Stidham. Tech fans are seeing red, with excitement. CBS sports has a play-by-play explaining all the buzz surrounding the big get while also trying to be realistic. “What makes this commitment even more important for the Red Raiders is that Stidham chose Texas Tech over other local heavyweights … it’s really hard to blame Texas Tech fans for [being so pumped]. I don’t mean this as a knock on Texas Tech, but considering its place in the national picture, five-star dual-threat quarterbacks just don’t pick the Red Raiders over all those other schools.” Looks like they do now.
Keep Austin Drunk — The capital is famous for its “progressiveness,” and further proof comes from officials who are now considering new policies when it comes to public drunkenness. “An effort by an array of criminal justice, law enforcement and medical officials is underway to open a sobriety center … that would effectively decriminalize public intoxication, which over the past five years has resulted in about 27,000 arrests in Austin, or about 10 percent of all arrests,” according to the Austin American-Statesman. As the story (and outlets like Austinist) duly note “sobriety center” is just a fancy way of saying “drunk tank.” Offenders “would face no criminal charges and would be free to leave the facility with no additional consequences after becoming sober.” Like when things were more civilized and you just threw the boozer into the cell to “sleep it off.” So raise your glasses to the city and be sure to bring a pillow when you go bar hoping that night.