High and Mighty

Every once in a while, when I come across something so outrageous, so over-the-top—like Grapevine's new Gaylord Texan Resort and Convention Center—I can't help myself. I just have to be snotty.

Oh, my gosh! The Gaylord Texan is so big. I mean, it’s just amazing. It’s like a crystal palace. Oh, my gosh! You can see the planes fly right over! The ceiling has to be glass so all the plants can have sunlight, silly. No, the plants aren’t fake. Touch one. I mean, it’s just amazing. There are more than four acres of gardens and little rivers and walkways all inside. Just look at the size of that magnolia tree! You gotta admit the landscaping is awesome. Who cares if they’re not native Texas plants?

I wish we’d taken the tour. I don’t care if it costs $7 a person. I mean, how are we going to see it all? Oh, my gosh! The Alamo! What do you mean it’s not the Alamo? It looks just like that place in San Antonio, doesn’t it? Okay, so they call it a mission. Mission, shmission. Let’s go inside.

I don’t believe it. It’s a coffee shop. Cool! You know, the real one should do something like this. There’s, like, nothing but a couple of flags and a donation box inside that place. Oh, come on. Let me buy you a latte, girl. No, there’s nothing creepy about getting a cappuccino and a banana-nut muffin inside the Alamo. I mean, it’s a fake Alamo. They’re everywhere. It’s not like we’re buying a drink in a fake Baptist church or something.

Speaking of drinks, maybe we should get a margarita? Anita paid how much for the Millionaire Margarita? Twenty dollars? Twenty U.S. dollars? Oh, I don’t need a drink anyway; this place is trippy enough without it. No, not science-fiction trippy—cool-trippy. What did you say? Yes, this is a purely synthetic version of reality. But so what? I mean, do you really prefer the grackles on the real River Walk? Or the chiggers and ticks in the real Hill Country?

Look at the brochure. Where should we go from here? The Hill Country Atrium? Why do you want to go see Lake Grapevine anyway? It’s just a lake. No, I don’t think it’s creepy that you can’t even get to the lake from here even though it’s right out back. We’re just talking more grackles and chiggers.

Tags: TRAVEL

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