1992 Bum Steers Awards

Where is Alfred Hitchcock When You Need Him?
The Texas Department of Agriculture fined a crop duster in Wilbarger County $1,250 for spraying pesticide on a family of four in a pickup truck.

Drive Friendly—I’m Uninsured.
To avoid Texas insurance and safety standards, at least two thousand drivers from El Paso illegally purchased license plates in New Mexico.

He Was Waiting for Long Dong Silver
Three suspects were arrested in Weatherford for stealing a figure of Ronald McDonald from a McDonald’s restaurant. Police found Ronald in the suspects’ apartment, dressed in ladies lingerie.

Curb Your Livestock
The police in Dumas ticketed drivers of cattle trucks for violating the town’s waste ordinance after cow manure and urine repeatedly sloshed onto streets, cars, and pedestrians.

Wanted: A Nuclear Weapon as a Protest Against Hairdressers
Dallas hairdresser Jonathan Van Voorhees developed a mushroom-cloud-shaped hairstyle as a protest against the use of nuclear weapons.

Justice, Yes; Peace, No
Justices of the peace Milton Gallagher of Ennis and Robert Roberts of Italy reduced most traffic fines from $25 to $1 after the Ellis County Commissioner’s Court denied their requests for a salary increase.

Open That Safe Or I’ll Shoot
Christopher Else of Dallas tried to get help for his drug habit, but no treatment center would accept him as a patient because he didn’t have insurance. When an official at one center told him that he’d have better luck if there was a criminal case pending against him, Else decided to commit armed robbery and allow himself to be caught. At his trial, jurors agreed to send him to a drug-treatment center at Dallas county’s expense.

It Protects the Eyeballs
The National sports daily reported that the protective cup worn by Texas Rangers pitcher Nolan Ryan during his seventh no-hitter was sold at auction for $62,500. In fact, the item sold was Ryan’s cap, and the price was $6,250.

In Highland Park the Fine is $500
The Dallas Police Department gave members of the city’s homeless population $240 tickets for scavenging through trash bins in violation of the city ordinance against illegal trash collecting.

Will You Still Need Me, Will You Still Feed Me, When I Make a 64
The University of Texas at Austin music department offered a course in the history of rock music. Items studied included MTV, lip-synching, mind-altering chemicals, and the Beatles’ Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.

And Now, Here’s Our Newest Deputy, Pee-Wee Herman
Asked what he planned to do about a deputy who was charged with exposing himself to a child, Bexar County sheriff Harlon Copeland said, “What he does on his own time is up to him.”

Throw the Bum Out
James Fedigan of Houston was charged with disorderly conduct for mooning Galveston beach users while bungee jumping from a construction crane platform.

Here’s the Plan: First We Put Up

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