Grease and Desist

Grease and Desist

To: Mr. John DeStefano Jr., mayor of New Haven, Connecticut; Mr. Thomas J. Moses Sr., mayor of the Village of Hamburg, New York; Mr. Kenneth Rottier, mayor of Seymour, Wisconsin

Dear Sirs,

It has come to our attention that the localities of which you are the elected representatives have for many years persisted in a fraudulent claim to being the birthplace of the hamburger. Though these dubious boasts are in violation of no trademark, copyright, or known legal agreement, they nonetheless grossly flout the historical record. As anyone who has bothered to spend ten minutes investigating the matter knows, the hamburger was invented in Athens, Texas. Your claims thereby represent a serious infringement on the rightful heritage of all Texans, and we hereby demand that you cease and desist immediately from any further posturing.

I refer you to the dispatch by Gary Cartwright on page 98, in which the author, seeking nothing but the truth, took himself to Athens to investigate the proposition that the world’s first hamburger was served at a cafe in this charming East Texas hamlet during the 1880’s. Though Cartwright is quick to point out minor historical inaccuracies in the Athens claim, thus burnishing, it seems to me, his credibility as an honest reporter, his conclusion is unmistakable: The burger was invented in Henderson County. In consideration of this finding, we insist that you summon your city councils to discuss the immediate cessation of all festivals,

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