<p><img alt="" class="media-image attr__typeof__foaf:Image img__fid__34630 img__view_mode__default attr__format__default attr__field_file_image_alt_text[und][0][value]__ attr__field_file_image_title_text[und][0][value]__" src="http://www.texasmonthly.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/cdorcloset3_0.png" typeof="foaf:Image" /></p> <p>Last year when I heard news of Theresa Roemer’s mega-closet in her mansion in The Woodlands, I kind of thought to myself, “Wow, score one for Houston in the Neverending Great Big Texas Rich battle against Dallas.”</p> <p>Along with the rest of the state and nation, I believed that Roemer’s in-home sanctuary and shrine to consumerism was the most opulent in the country. Maybe even worldwide! Or, at least just this side of Dubai, Moscow, or Brunei.</p> <!--break--> <p>The <em>Houston Chronicle </em>called it a “mammoth homage to all things girlie” and “Aladdin’s Cave of Wonder.” It seemed to me that perhaps in this case, Houston had Dallas beat in the conspicuous consumption stakes. We were doing it big, like Texans should. And in any event, the tale of the owner of Houston’s most famous closet certainly whooped anything Dallas had to offer in the drama department,<a href="http://www.texasmonthly.com/story/theresa-roemer-three-story-closet-houston?fullpage=1"> as our own Skip Hollandsworth reported earlier this year</a>.</p> <p>Or so I thought. Sorry, Houston, we lose. At least in the glitz department, if not the other details.</p> <p>In the northern exurbs of Dallas there exists a multi-level, Florentine chandelier-illuminated closet full of 18-karat gold fittings that cost a reported $5 million to build. Tucked away in a huge manor known as Champ D’Or, the brainchild of Shirley Goldfield, it’s hardly ever even been used, by Goldfield or anyone else.</p> <p>Though it attracted its share of attention in its day, it seemed to have been all-but-forgotten when Roemer was enjoying her moment in the sun as the Closet Queen of Texas, and then weathering the firestorm that followed. Goldfield’s closet is just something the Metroplex has lying around, like a handful of nickels and pennies you’ve left on your desk.</p> <p>Anyway, let’s look at these two luxe treasure-troves. </p> <p>First, a little info about the houses:</p> <p><img alt="" class="media-image attr__typeof__foaf:Image img__fid__34603 img__view_mode__default attr__format__default attr__field_file_image_alt_text[und][0][value]__ attr__field_file_image_title_text[und][0][value]__" src="http://www.texasmonthly.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/roemerhouse.png" typeof="foaf:Image" /><br /> <strong>Roemer:</strong> 47 Grand Regency Circle, The Woodlands, north of Houston. It’s about 17,000 sq.-ft.</p> <p><img alt="" class="media-image attr__typeof__foaf:Image img__fid__34604 img__view_mode__default attr__format__default attr__field_file_image_alt_text[und][0][value]__ attr__field_file_image_title_text[und][0][value]__" src="http://www.texasmonthly.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/01_1851_Turbeville_Rd__HiRes.png" typeof="foaf:Image" /><strong>Goldfield: </strong>1851 Turbeville Road, Hickory Creek, South of Denton, north of Dallas. It’s about 48,000 sq.-ft.</p> <h3>The Closet’s Inspiration</h3> <p class="rtecenter"><img alt="" class="media-image attr__typeof__foaf:Image img__fid__34605 img__view_mode__default attr__format__default attr__field_file_image_alt_text[und][0][value]__ attr__field_file_image_title_text[und][0][value]__" src="http://www.texasmonthly.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/47-grand-regency-04-overview.png" typeof="foaf:Image" /><br /> <strong>Roemer: </strong>“A miniature Neiman Marcus.” When it comes to glitz, Houston imitates Dallas.</p> <p><img alt="" class="media-image attr__typeof__foaf:Image img__fid__34622 img__view_mode__default attr__format__default attr__field_file_image_alt_text[und][0][value]__ attr__field_file_image_title_text[und][0][value]__" src="http://www.texasmonthly.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/cdorcloset3.png" typeof="foaf:Image" /></p> <p class="rtecenter"><img alt="" class="media-image attr__typeof__foaf:Image img__fid__34606 img__view_mode__default attr__format__default attr__field_file_image_alt_text[und][0][value]__ attr__field_file_image_title_text[und][0][value]__" src="http://www.texasmonthly.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/cdorcloset.png" typeof="foaf:Image" /><strong>Goldfield: </strong>Coco Chanel’s orginal Paris boutique. When it comes to glitz, Dallas imitates Paris.</p> <h3>Price Tag (Construction of closet only)</h3> <p><strong>Roemer: </strong>$500,000</p> <p><strong>Goldfield:</strong> $5 million</p> <h3>Size and number of stories</h3> <p><strong>Roemer:</strong> 3,000 sq.-ft. and three stories</p> <p><strong>Goldfield: </strong>2</p> <h3>Does it occupy an entire wing of the house?</h3> <p><strong>Roemer:</strong> Unknown</p> <p><strong>Goldfield: </strong>Yes</p> <h3>Amenities</h3> <p><img alt="" class="media-image attr__typeof__foaf:Image img__fid__34607 img__view_mode__default attr__format__default attr__field_file_image_alt_text[und][0][value]__ attr__field_file_image_title_text[und][0][value]__" src="http://www.texasmonthly.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/roemercloset2.png" typeof="foaf:Image" /></p> <p><strong>Roemer: </strong>Skip Hollandsworth has been inside, where he a saw:</p> <blockquote> <p>A champagne bar, a salon area for hair and makeup, a sitting area with a banquette sofa, and a mannequin wearing a $10,000 Oscar de la Renta gown. On one wall is a photo of Theresa dressed in silk lingerie, staring steamily into the camera—a photo she presented to her husband on her fiftieth birthday. On another wall is a photo of Theresa wrapped in a terry-cloth robe.</p> </blockquote> <p class="rtecenter"><img alt="" class="media-image attr__typeof__foaf:Image img__fid__34608 img__view_mode__default attr__format__default attr__field_file_image_alt_text[und][0][value]__ attr__field_file_image_title_text[und][0][value]__" src="http://www.texasmonthly.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/closet2cdor.png" typeof="foaf:Image" /></p> <p><strong>Goldfield:</strong> Whereas Roemer’s closet chandelier is of Swarovski crystal from downmarket Austria, Goldfield’s came from Florence, which is in Tuscany which is much fancier than Austria, and it is of 18-karat gold and cost $30k. There’s gold everywhere in there: the doorknobs, the fixtures, all over the place. And that custom-woven Coco Chanel area rug set her back $10,000. </p> <h3>Has it been ransacked by a cat burglar?</h3> <p><strong>Roemer:</strong> <a href="http://www.chron.com/neighborhood/woodlands/news/article/Famous-half-million-dollar-closet-has-been-robbed-5664391.php">Yes</a>.</p> <p><strong>Goldfield:</strong> Apparently not.</p> <h3>Most Memorable Quote About the Closet</h3> <p><strong>Roemer:</strong> “My closet is my dressing room, but more importantly, it’s my retreat. I like to call it my ‘female man cave.’ ”</p> <p><strong>Goldfield:</strong> “When I built this closet, I tried to think of everything I would need.” <b> </b></p> <h3>Has she thrown fund-raisers in it?</h3> <p><strong>Roemer: </strong>Yes. “There’s no reason for me to have this amazing, gorgeous closet <a href="http://blog.neimanmarcus.com/theresa-roemer/">if I can’t do fundraisers in it, too, right</a>?” </p> <p><strong>Goldfield: </strong>No. In fact, the Goldfields only spent a few months living in the house they spent four years building. “I’m like a painter who creates a beautiful work of art and then sells it,” Goldfield said at one time. For ten years, the house stood vacant. That’s one reason <em>D </em>Magazine once dubbed Champ D’Or<a href="http://www.dmagazine.com/publications/d-ceo/2009/may-june/the-biggest-little-teardown-in-texas"> “the best little teardown in Texas.”</a></p> <h3>What about sexy-time shenanigans?</h3> <p><strong>Roemer:</strong><a href="http://www.cosmopolitan.com/style-beauty/fashion/news/a29532/meet-the-woman-with-the-500000-dollar-closet/"> Most definitely</a>: “You have to have sex in the closet! And every position too! And on the staircase and on the bar and on the makeup station.”</p> <p><strong>Goldfield: </strong>If she ever got busy in there, she never told anyone publicly.</p> <h3>National TV coverage?</h3> <p><strong>Roemer: </strong>Yes, <em>Good Morning America </em>came out.</p> <p><strong>Goldfield:</strong> Yes. <a href="http://curbed.com/archives/2011/08/31/come-take-a-tour-through-a-5m-closet-inspired-by-chanel.php"> HGTV did a segment, complete with unctuous voice-over.</a></p> <h3>Is Jay Leno invoked in the media coverage?</h3> <p><strong>Roemer: </strong>Yes. As Clifford Pugh of <em>CultureMap Houston</em> <a href="http://houston.culturemap.com/news/society/08-06-14-the-trials-of-theresa-thief-remains-on-the-loose-as-roemer-copes-with-closet-mania/">wrote</a>: </p> <blockquote>Much of the coverage has been sexist — one might ask if the same kind of media attention has been focused on Jay Leno and his fleet of classic automobiles — and negative, portraying her as a "blond bimbo," she notes. "I was a self-made millionaire before I met my husband," she says.</blockquote> <p><strong>Goldfield:</strong><a a="" clifford="" href="http://houston.culturemap.com/news/society/08-06-14-the-trials-of-theresa-thief-remains-on-the-loose-as-roemer-copes-with-closet-mania>" s=""> Yes. </a><a href="http://candysdirt.com/author/candace/"> Here’s Dallas real estate blogger Candy Evans</a>:</p> <blockquote>Full disclosure: I took Champ to Pebble Beach Concourse D’Elegance this summer, and it was the most talked-about home at the car show. Yes, it even turned the head of Jay Leno!</blockquote> <h3>Is the property Wal-Mart-adjacent?</h3> <p><strong>Roemer: </strong>No. It does abut a golf course.</p> <p><strong>Goldfield: </strong>Yes. Pretty much. It’s also about a half-mile to a trailer park, and about the same distance to Chick-fil-A, Chili’s and IHOP.</p> <h3>Can you buy this closet and the house around it?</h3> <p><strong>Roemer: </strong><a href="http://houstonarea.har.com/47-grand-regency-circle/sale_21786411"> Yes, for $11.2 million, down 13 percent</a> from its December 2014 asking price of $12.9 million. (Back in 2013, Theresa and husband Lamar Roemer purchased the same house from famed pastor Kirbyjon Caldwell for $3.64 million. Roemer is her own listing agent.)</p> <p><strong>Goldfield: </strong>Yes. Though it is not actively on the market, listing agent Justen Aranda tells the <em>Daily Post</em> that the owner would consider an offer. According to some recent listings, those would need to be in the area of $35 million, about 50 percent of its original $72 million price tag.</p> <p>So there you have it. Houston’s most decadent closet cost ten percent as much as Dallas’s. It resides in a home a fraction of the size of its DFW rival, and lists for a fraction of the price. Houston’s looks to a homegrown source as its inspiration while Dallas’s is content with nothing less than Parisian inspiration. When it comes to things like house-sized closets, Dallas is still the wise sensei, Houston the upstart grasshopper.</p> <p><em>(Photos from HRA.com and other real estate listings)</em></p>

Let’s face it. Vegetables aren’t usually a part of the trailer experience. So I was pleasantly surprised to find grilled veggies on the menu at Trey’s Cuisine, the newest trailer next to Odd Duck and Gourdough’s, on South Lamar. Despite the truck’s unfortunate and puzzling Celtic logo, Trey’s Cuisine serves up some fine meat and vegetable kebabs (it used to be called Pick Up Stix but changed its name after a messy legal entanglement). My favorite was the flavorful blackened pork, served with a skewer of red bell pepper, mushrooms, pineapple, and sliced onions. Each kebab comes with a thick slice of buttered wheat bread and your choice of sauce from four categories of worldly dips, from Asian and Mediterranean to Spanish and “Cowden Weird” (thirteen sauces total). I ordered my skewer with the intriguing (and recommended) honey mustard ancho, but instead I was presented with an overly sweet sauce that I think was actually the sesame glaze. I wish that the lamb had lived up to the pork’s high standards. But the meat was tough, and the mint-and-sweet-soy marinade was sticky and saccharine, without a trace of mint. I had been reassured that it would mesh well with the chimichurri, but even a good garlicky chimichurri couldn’t save the lamb. The vegetables, on the other hand, disappeared quickly. Now, now, don’t get too worried: There is plenty of creative junk food on the menu too. Take the Steak Mac croquette slider. Just in case mac and cheese with New York strip wasn’t enough for you, the trailer fries it up into a delicious crispy patty and serves it on two thick slices of toasted white bread. Drunk food paradise, my friends. The Greek Chick croquette slider, on the other hand, not so much. I was expecting an oregano-and-thyme-marinated chicken croquette sandwich, dripping with feta and tzatziki sauce. Instead, it was a bland fried round of rice and cream cheese, with a few chunks of overcooked chicken thrown in. The white bread might have been the best part. The trailer claims to be mostly Mediterranean, and I can see the influence in some places. But though there wasn’t much opa! in his pierogis, they were delicious: a blend of creamy mashed potato and cheese with prosciutto, hand-rolled in homemade pasta and deep-fried. The sour cream dipping sauce was hard to resist. So perhaps I should retract my earlier statement about vegetables. Sure, they made a rare appearance at Trey’s Cuisine. But it’s near impossible to beat a deep-fried mac-and-cheese sandwich. 1219 South Lamar Blvd (512-234-2103). Open Tue–Sat 11–3 & 5–10. Closed Sun & Mon. Posted by Megan Giller. To read more from Megan Giller, visit her website at www.megangiller.com.