Friends, it’s been such a lovely evening, and we can’t thank you enough for coming by the old Crenshaw homestead. We hope you enjoyed the steak as much as the discussion on the rising scourge of identity politics. And sorry that Dan had to duck out early. He has some Twitter videos to record. You know, there are just so many journalists, fellow members of Congress, comedians, viral stars, and random meme accounts that require Dan’s attention these days. Especially in the wake of those two awful mass shootings, it’s more important than ever that Dan represent Texas in the national conversation over gun violence. Who better to explain how unfair and futile it would be to make even the most incremental steps toward enacting stricter gun control? Anyway, we don’t mean to rush you, but it is getting rather late, and Dan has to get up and debunk a whole mess of other liberal myths for his YouTube channel in the morning. So it’s probably best we call it a night.

Oh, and on your way out, be sure to help yourself to some of Dan’s guns.

Thank you for reading Texas Monthly

Now more than ever Texans are connecting over shared stories. Enjoy your unlimited access to our site. To have Texas Monthly magazine delivered to your home, become a subscriber today.

Hey, now. Don’t be shy, or otherwise cautious! Grab yourselves a Glock, or a pump-action Mossberg, or one of those M134 six-barrel Gatling guns if you’re feeling especially saucy. You’re our guests and, what’s more, our friends. We don’t stand on ceremony here when it comes to the distribution of firearms. As Dan pointed out on social media this week, insisting on a universal background check before just anyone can obtain a gun would be completely useless, in most situations, but more importantly, annoying. Sure, it’s possible it could have prevented that guy in Odessa from buying an AR-15 directly from a private dealer, after he’d already failed a previous background check. And okay, had that seller been legally required to run a background check on the alleged shooter, maybe he wouldn’t have then been able to kill seven people and injure dozens more with a gun he wasn’t legally allowed to have. But other than adding a relatively minor inconvenience to most law-abiding gun owners, and preventing the occasional massacre, what would universal background checks even do?

And more importantly, as Dan also said, universal background checks would mean he’d no longer be able to loan his guns out to friends—all of you—whenever he wanted. Can you imagine? Asking you fine folks to “prove” that you’ve passed—or at least could pass—a background check before loaning you a gun that you could then theoretically use in a crime, thus making a sitting member of Congress complicit? (Not that I’m trying to give you any ideas, mind you.) Would this really be worth the hassle, or the humiliating social faux pas? 

I mean, come on, now! What are we supposed to do—insist that all our pals go through the proper channels to acquire guns themselves, instead of just borrowing one of the many guns we have lying around? Look, you obviously have your own reasons for not taking those few, necessary steps to become a licensed gun owner, despite your clear interest in having a gun for self-defense, or hunting—or whatever your intimately personal intentions may be. We don’t know, and we don’t need to know. In fact, we don’t want to know! That’s what friends are for—not asking any questions about where you’re headed with our Kalashnikov. We’re not going to insult you with a bunch of prying before you slip that .38 snub-nose into your purse! We know everyone’s so busy these days, what with work and family and carrying out protracted public feuds with metropolitan elites. So it is, frankly, none of our business why you haven’t already purchased a gun through more legal means, and, thank the Lord and the Constitution, for now, it’s not the government’s either.

Anyway, we’ve had such a good time tonight, and we don’t want to spoil the mood by double-checking that you are indeed allowed to have a deadly weapon, just because it’s the absolute least we could do to stem the tide of blood sweeping through our state. Here, have a look-see through this bucket of pistols. Just fish out whatever looks good! Tom, can we offer you a belt buckle .22 before you go? There should be one on the platter next to the canapés. Colleen, the burnt bronze of that Desert Eagle would look so pretty with your dress. Just make sure to leave a couple of AR-15s, in case we need to defend the living room later.