In light of two recent newscasts using what some perceive as troubling foreign phrases and words on air, the Texas State Office of Linguistic Purity is calling for a return to English. The following top-secret memo was leaked to the Daily Post last week:

To: Texas TV News Directors

From: The Texas State Office of Linguistic Purity

Sirs and Madams,

Recently it has come to our attention that two newscasters have uttered words and phrases that strike the ears of patriotic Texans as less than 100 percent American.

In one instance, a Houston newswoman greeted her viewers with the Spanish salutation “Buenos dias.” On Memorial Day weekend, no less. As usual in such matters, we at TOLP defer to the eternal wisdom of anonymous commenters on newspaper websites. Here are a few salient points to consider:

“Memorial Day is not a Mexican holiday. No reason for her to be speaking Spanish. Last time I checked she lives in the USA, speak English. If she wants to speak Spanish leave the country and go live in a Spanish speaking country.”

“What’s next…is she going to do the entire segment in Spanish because she’s ‘proud’? These ‘in your face’ political statements are getting out of hand.”

“She works on an English speaking station. Want to speak Spanish? Go to Univision.”

“Not a smart move from a ‘talking head.’ Her job relies on people watching and ratings. You can see why journalism degrees are so easy to obtain.”

In the second instance, a National Weather Service meteorologist warned on Facebook that Lubbock was menaced by a “haboob.” Although this kind of term might be expected from cosmopolitans in Washington, we believe that word is objectionable for two reasons: Firstly, it goes without saying that this is a somewhat prurient word and guaranteed to cause unchaste thoughts in the minds of impressionable youths. Secondly, and more importantly, as several proud Texans have pointed out, “haboob” is of Arabic origin, and thus “problematic.” These Texas purists have weighed in:

“In Texas, nimrod, this is called a sandstorm. We’ve had them for years! If you would like to move to the Middle East you can call this a haboob. While you reside here, call it a sandstorm. We Texans will appreciate you.”

“Haboob!?! I’m a Texan. Not a foreigner from Iraq or Afghanistan. They might have haboobs but around here in the Panhandle of TEXAS, we have Dust Storms. So would you mind stating it that way. I’ll find another weather service.”

All points well taken. A simple folksy “howdy” would have sufficed in the first instance, and in the second, a good ol’ fashioned Panhandle sandstorm by any other name is still just a good ol’ fashioned Panhandle sandstorm, no matter what the the National Weather Service calls it.

As you are all aware, today’s media environment is tough and competitive. Ratings are down, and the last thing our viewers should be subjected to are words from such troublesome countries as Mexico and Arabia. Therefore, we at TOLP have come up with a few more words for newscasters to avoid, along with purely English substitutes:

Arabic Words

Alcohol: Buzzwater

Algebra: Hard math

Apricot: Orange ear fruit

Chess: Kill-The-King

Coffee: Go-go mud

Cotton: Cloud fabric

Genie: Lamp-dwelling trickster

Ghoul: Graveyard zombie monster

Giraffe: Long-necked leopard-camel*

Hummus: Chickpea paste

Lemon: Yellow sourfruit

Lime: Green sourfruit

Loofah: Scratch-sponge

Mecca (in the sense of a nerve center): Manhattan

Monsoon: Toad-strangler

Orange: Sunfruit

Spinach: Popeye lettuce

Sugar: Sweet crystals

Tuna: Sea-chicken

Zero: Zilch

*Contrary to popular belief, “camel” is not of Arabic origin and is thus acceptable.

Spanish

Alligator: Man-eating swim-lizard

Anchovy: Pizzafish

Armadillo: Turtlepossum

Avocado: Man-eating swim-lizard pear

Barbecue: Smokemeat

Burrito: Sandwich cylinder

Cafeteria: Line diner

Chili: Pepperstew

Chipotle: Smokespice

Daiquiri: Rum à la Hemingway

Guacamole: Man-eating swim-lizard pear paste

Hurricane: Spinning seastorm

Jerky: Chewmeat

Margarita: Peggy

Marijuana: Devil weed

Mescal: Wormed cactus buzzwater

La Niña, El Niño (in the sense of a storm): The scary girl, the scary boy

Piñata: Treat*-stuffed effigy

Potato: Earth apple

Quinoa: Hipster rice

Rodeo: Livestock battle-sport

Salsa: Chip sauce

Taco: Folded flatbread sandwich

Tequila: Cactus buzzwater

*”Candy” is avoided here because it is allegedly of Arabic origin. We at TOLP are working on a viable American substitute.

Many thanks for your adherence to these patriotic usages in your future broadcasts.

And let’s keep English American!