Poor Whataburger.

First it was the spectacle of all those (figurative) sheep around the Metroplex, lining up for fast food from a CALIFORNIA-based competitor. Then it was a (literal) wild hog, bursting through a glass entrance in Goliad. And now, in Porter, just northeast of Houston, comes a story that is as unsavory as last night’s chicken fingers.

As Scott Engle of the Montgomery County Police Reporter first revealed, on Monday afternoon the local constable was called out to a Whataburger off of U.S. Highway 59 to check up on a passed-out patron.

Upon arriving, the constable discovered that the unconscious man was in the company of two other customers: thirty year-old Howard Keith Windham and 44 year-old Tina Marie Arie, both of whom were in possession of the presciption drugs Oxycodone and Soma. Windham was arrested on suspicion of possession, and Arie, who’d admitted to giving the third man pills, on suspicion of delivery.

And that’s where the story starts to get good disgusting. The two suspects were put into the backseat of the squad car. Soon afterwards, the officer became aware of, as the Houston Press‘s John Nova Lomax put it, “unusual movements,” and couldn’t see Arie in his rearview. He asked her what she was doing, and she claimed to be napping, but after pulling the car over, it became clear she was up to something else.

As Engle described it:

…despite both parties being handcuffed behind their backs, Windham’s pants were unfastened and Arie was servicing his exposed genitalia. The deputy ordered them to cease the sexual contact and then continued driving to the jail. There were no additional charges.

But enough about the perps! After the Press picked up this story, it quickly worked its way to Gawker, whose Brian Moylan referred to Whataburger as “apparently one of those exotic fast food joints that makes middle Americans so damn fat.”

Happily, the good people of Texas quickly set the humor-challenged New York City blogger straight, including this from commenter “dirtybee.”