Anything Trump can do, Cruz can do better? On the same week Donald Trump received the first-ever endorsement of the National Border Patrol Council in the Republican presidential primary, Texas senator Ted Cruz upped the ante with a bold addition to his immigration plan. Like his New York rival, Cruz is in favor of a bulked-up Mexican border wall, but the proposed pilot program would construct three additional walls in Texas, to better regulate the state’s shared borders with New Mexico, Louisiana, Arkansas, and Oklahoma.
“Simply securing our borders with Mexico is not enough,” Senator Cruz said at a joint press conference with Texas Governor Greg Abbott. “Illegal immigrants can come from anywhere. And from any direction. And as usual, the state of Texas is a model for the rest of America. So with the cooperation of Governor Abbott—and with your vote in November, after I beat Donald in the primary—we will stop the influx of unwanted, un-American and un-Texan values, businesses and people.” Cruz continued:
Nothing against our neighbors in New Mexico, but that state is closer to California than it is to Houston. We need more Whataburgers, and fewer In-N-Out Burgers.
And while Texas and Louisiana enjoy great shared culture our Eastern border is the the state’s last fortress against New York City values. Robert Durst lived in both Galveston and Houston. Imagine how many more people like him might end up here if his fellow real estate heir Donald Trump was President.
And finally, Oklahoma, being to the north of Texas, is an obvious entry point for unwanted Canadian immigrants—a vastly under-recognized problem group that, if left unchecked, could ruin this country. In fact, for my first act as President, I plan to deport the Dallas Stars. There are too many ‘birth tourists’ in Texas as it is. Those children will only end up taking away jobs from native Texans, whether they want to be hockey players or Ivy League lawyers.
Cruz also said his plan has significant support in the state’s most liberal city. According to a map by the Center for Immigration Studies on Cruz’s campaign website, Travis County, which includes Austin, is the only “sanctuary jurisdiction” in Texas.
“But I’ve heard a different story during my visits there,” Cruz said. “Have you seen how popular those t-shirts are? The ones that say ‘DON’T MOVE HERE?’ The people I’ve talked to in Austin are always telling me how they wish the city could be the way it was in 1980, and I couldn’t agree more. Everything about America was better under Ronald Reagan.”
Texas Monthly reached out to the Trump campaign for a response to Cruz’s plan, and was given a mobile phone number on which to reach the candidate directly. It was answered by a man who would only identify himself as “Vince.”
“Future President Trump is too busy to talk right now,” the man said. “We’re at Cowboys Stadium with Pete Rose and Chris Christie, going over moves for Sunday.”
But according to an instant online poll by Jim Josh Hanson of the University of Texas at Houston, “The Cruz Walls” are likely to win their namesake an additional three percent support from remaining national Republican primary voters. However, 97.5 percent of those same voters would still rather be seated next to Trump on a crowded regional commuter jet.
Eight percent of those surveyed didn’t like the plan, but only because they think Mexico and New Mexico are the same place, and therefore there’s no reason to pay for a second wall.
At the joint press conference, Governor Abbott also said that Attorney General Ken Paxton has instructed the Public Integrity Unit to research the parentage and place of birth of Travis County Republican Party chairman Robert Morrow, “just in case there’s a way to deport him.
“We may also kick Oklahoma out of the Final Four this weekend,” Abbott continued. “Hook ‘Em Horns!”
“My old friend is joking about that,” Cruz said with a grimace. “Like the rest of my home city of Houston, I am greatly looking forward to seeing the Final Four on the day after April Fool’s Day.”