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Ted Cruz Erotic Fan Fiction Is A Thing You Can Buy And Read Right Now

Oh, what a time to be alive.

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courtesy Lacey Noonan

Here are some things that are mostly unrelated, and mostly unsexy, but could potentially swirl into a very exciting erotic milkshake for the right individual: Christmas! A tendency to quote The Princess Bride at random moments! Investigations involving leaked intelligence! Oversized suits! If reading that list got you a little hot and bothered, great news, friend—there is a book written just for you.

Yes, we are talking about A Cruzmas Carol: Ted Cruz Takes A Dickens Of A Constitutional. That is a work of Ted Cruz erotic fan fiction starring Texas’s junior senator and the man who is currently neck and neck with Donald Trump in the quest for the Republican nomination. You can—right now, if you are so inclined—hop on over to Amazon and buy yourself a copy of Lacey Noonan’s 73-page e-book in which the candidate reenacts Charles Dickens’s most charming holiday work in a most erotic fashion—as he engages in relations with three ghosts who inspire Cruz to run for president.

To be clear, the odds are very good that any Cruz supporters who actually crack the cover of A Cruzmas Carol will likely find the work to be at odds with their perception of the candidate. Not only are we unclear on whether Cruz even believes in ghosts (let alone whether he’d be interested in having an erotic encounter with one) but the book also posits that Cruz—a dedicated public servant—would have considered leaving politics in favor of the private sector, and needed to be seduced out of it by the ghosts of Constitutionality Past, Present and Future. Regardless of one’s opinion of Cruz, “one-term-senator by choice” is not a likely description of the man.

Noonan, who announced and published the book as a surprise drop on Wednesday morning, is no stranger to turning public figures into unwitting figures of erotic speculation: Her previous efforts, the two-part A Gronking To Remember series, cast New England Patriots star tight end (if you know what we mean…) Rob Gronkowski as a sexy star who spikes his way into the hearts of America’s romance readers. But jumping to Cruz as the subject for her latest work of fiction—who, as a public figure, cannot sue her—is a bold move for the author nonetheless.

“I actually wrote this back when Ted was the only person running,” Noonan told Texas Monthly, explaining that she began composing her missive back in March. “I planned on giving every single candidate a dance around the rose bush, so to speak—Republican and Democrat—but I got distracted and now there are 50,000 people running and I can’t keep up.” So though Cruz was lucky(?) enough to be the first, he could be the last. But even discussing the other candidates seemed to get Noonan thinking. “I do have a few other ideas, so we’ll see,” she said. “Cruz, Trump, and Rubio are all dreamboats, so it should be easy peasy.”

Certainly, the intended audience for A Cruzmas Carol seems mostly to be people who don’t like Ted Cruz. It’s likely serving an audience who thinks it would be funny to humiliate the guy by reading a story in which he gets up to some weird sex stuff in an bathroom at the fictional D.C. club Fizzywhigs.

And though Cruz might drop some talk about “rubbers” in his campaign, he’s not really a candidate prone to sexy talk (but strangely enough, this isn’t the first time Cruz has been the subject of erotica). So the idea of reading a novella that takes place in Ted Cruz’s erotic bungalow or wherever (we confess we’ve yet to finish the 73 pages) is pretty funny, in that incongruous way that putting someone in the exact opposite context that they usually occupy can be. Or, to put it another way: if you’re upset about the existence of Ted Cruz erotic fan fiction, the joke is on you. If you think the idea of publishing Ted Cruz erotic fan fiction is funny, you’re the target market. And if the idea of Ted Cruz erotic fan fiction actually turns you on, well, congratulations—we live in a world weird enough to accommodate you.

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  • José

    Just when you think that you couldn’t be any more disgusted with Cruz. Eww.

  • Texas Take

    Ted Cruz always triggers my gag reflex and makes my skin crawl whenever I see him and that’s with his clothes on. No thanks for the book and it will take some time just to get the frightening imagery out of my head that your story created. Ick.

  • wessexmom

    Brush those gross thoughts out of your head and replace them with this one! Have a Creepy Cruz Christmas!
    http://www.chron.com/news/politics/us/article/Ted-Cruz-selling-ugly-Christmas-sweater-for-Cyber-6664536.php

  • ew ew ew

    • wessexmom

      And ICK!

  • Madrigalian

    TM peddles trash on their favorite conservative target. *yawn*