The Texanist
Since July 2007, the Texanist has availed himself and his massive reservoir of pan-topical knowledge to the readers of Texas Monthly. With an inimitable style and an unassailable wholesomeness, he has, by way of his signature Fine Advice, exorcized bedevilment, cured the curious, and oriented the disoriented. In short, he has taught many a well-intentioned Texan how to properly conduct him- or herself. Is it ever okay to ask somebody how many acres he has? Is it acceptable to spit tobacco juice at the office? Can one have too many Texas-themed tattoos? Why is Big Red so good? Who knows? Wait, the Texanist does!
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The Texanist: Tell Me About This Magical Thing Called Texas Toast
A New York man wants to know everything there is to know about Texas toast.
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The Texanist: Hi, I’m From East Texas! Uh, Where Is That, Exactly?
A Dallas man who grew up in East Texas isn’t sure his home region actually exists.
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The Texanist: Did Tennessee Give Our Flag the Lone Star?
A Kaufman man vacationing in the Volunteer State hears a claim about the Texas flag that just can’t be true. Can it?
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The Texanist: Is It Safe to Drink Really Old Dr Pepper?
An Odessa woman is still working her way through her private Dublin stash.
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The Texanist: Please Get That Chevy Silverado Out of My Parking Garage!
An irate truck owner may need to take a long, hard look in the rearview mirror.
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The Texanist: Why Did So Many Important Events Occur in March?
An El Paso man thinks he’s got a good candidate for Texas History Month. Is he right? Yes, but . . .
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The Texanist: Cargo Shorts and Flip Flops at Gruene Hall? Really?
A New Braunfels man thinks that Texas’s oldest dance hall deserves a little more respect.
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The Texanist: Contemplating the ‘Texas Exit’
A Wichita Man is Curious About Our Occasional Habit of Jumping a Highway Ditch.
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The Texanist: Isn’t the Summer Heat Great? Or is That Just Me?
In the midst of a cold, wet winter, an Abilene woman longs for the dog days of August.
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The Texanist: Why Don’t Breakfast Burritos Get Any Love?
A Texas Tech undergrad makes the case for the breakfast taco’s not-so-poor relation.
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The Texanist: Any Recommendations for a Big Bend Newbie?
A 39-year resident of Houston is gearing up for his first experience of the greatest road trip Texas has to offer.
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The Texanist: Are the Texas Rangers for Real?
A California transplant wonders if the Texas Rangers exist only on the small screen.
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The Texanist: What’s With All the Cheap-Looking Black-Painted Cowboy Hats?
A Flatonia man thinks Tim McGraw can afford a better looking cowboy hat
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The Texanist: Should I Go Vegetarian for the New Year?
A dedicated carnivore wonders how to handle his wife’s request to lead a meat-free existence in 2018.
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The Texanist: What’s the Deal With Tamales and Christmas?
A Dallasite wonders how something so tasty, so filling, and so pre-Christian came to be a holiday staple.
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The Texanist: Should I Get Rid of That Possum Carcass Myself, or No?
A San Antonio woman smells trouble.
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The Texanist: Is Hico Waving Goodbye to the Hidy Sign?
A Dallas man wonders why one good finger doesn’t deserve another.
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The Texanist: Is it Too Soon to Book a Vacation in Port Aransas?
An Austinite misses the beach, but doesn’t want to be a bother.
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The Texanist: When Will My Yankee In-Laws Stop Complaining About Our Spicy Food?
A Tyler man is feeling a little hot under the collar.
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The Texanist: Can Self-Respecting West Texans Use Umbrellas?
A West Texas native wonders if umbrellas are for sissies.
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The Texanist: Can I Claim a Professionally Smoked Brisket as My Own?
The Texanist advises a person who wants to pass off professionally cooked briskets as homemade.
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The Texanist: To Pop or Not to Pop Fire Ant Bites?
How to handle the zit-sized pustule that those evil little @$*!%*#@%&!s leave behind.
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The Texanist: Can My Pickup-Driving Girlfriend Respect My Compact Car?
A truck-driving woman meets a Jetta owner at a Ray Wylie Hubbard concert.
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The Texanist: What’s a Dove Recipe That My Wife Will Like?
The Texanist generously shares his world-famous dove recipe.
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The Texanist: The Meaning of Texas Tough
We lost a lot. But there are some things we’ll never lose. Texas will be okay.
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The Texanist: Is Dairy Queen Actually a “Texas Thing”?
It’s known as “the Texas stop sign,” but can the Illinois chain really claim the Lone Star State?
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The Texanist: Should I Tuck my Jeans Into my Boots?
Several of my colleagues have pointed out that tucking your jeans into your boots looks ridiculous. I disagree.
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The Texanist: Are Bring Your Own Meat Meals Acceptable?
The Texanist addresses contentious BYOMeat gatherings.
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The Texanist on Texas’s Flies
A New Yorker thinking about moving to Austin says one thing is holding her back: flies. The Texanist weighs in.
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The Texanist on The Old-fashioned Beer Joint
Has the old-fashioned beer joint given way to noisy sports bars?
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The Texanist On Whether It’s a Good Idea to Take One of Those Pricey Yeti Cups Tubing
And the proper placement of horseshoes over doorways for the best good luck.
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The Texanist Returns to Answer Your Questions
Can you really overdo Tex-Mex? And how to cope with lowdown bleeping tackle crooks.
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Cook Like a Texanist
It’s time someone had the courage to ask the most controversial question in the state: To bean or not to bean?
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The Spirit of ’76
Forty years ago I built forts on Bird Creek, raced at the roller rink, and watched my dad run for mayor of Temple.
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Huddle Up
Why tailgating with my family and friends (and a million other fans) is my favorite part of college football.
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Endless Summers
Welcome to Camp Honey Creek for girls, where the years tick by but time stands still.
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A Man of Letters
Our estimable advice columnist answers this burning question: What’s it like to be the Texanist?
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The Texanist
Our estimable advice columnist on saying “I do” to a potbellied pig, bidding farewell to supper, giving your regards to Texas, and complaining about cold tortillas.
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The Texanist
Forget about Batman vs. Superman. Our advice columnist referees spring vs. fall, Strait vs. Wills, Oatmeal vs. Bacon, and restaurant vs. patron.
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The Texanist
Our estimable advice columnist on firearms, weekend getaways, and how to properly eat a tamal.
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The Texanist
Our estimable advice columnist on putting a Tennessean in his place, adding Topo Chico to everything, learning to love a rusty jalopy, and naming Possum Kingdom Lake.
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The Texanist
Our estimable advice columnist on the pronunciation of “Fort Worth,” the pros and cons of spring break south of the border, the best way to deal with the brisket illiterate, and the Texan who mistook himself for a Floridian.
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The Texanist
Our advice columnist muses on the seeming futility of horse apples, the finer points of knives, the downside of going vegetarian, and whether it’s possible to love a Willie-hater.
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The Texanist
Our advice columnist muses on the sanctity of a pickup’s bed, browses the Neiman Marcus Christmas Book, and once again tries to determine who qualifies as a Texan.
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The Texanist
Our estimable advice columnist on the origins of Hunt’s boot fence and how miffed we should get about pecan pronunciation, desecrated chili pots, and overenthusiastic, football-lovin’ grandfathers.
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The Texanist
Our estimable advice columnist on finding love in the country, the (unquestioned!) merit of the State Fair, the fulfilling post-rodeo career of a bucking bull, and more.
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The Texanist
Our estimable advice columnist on how to handle nasty bugs, tobacco-pushing grandpas, and red lights in a one-stoplight town.
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The Texanist
Our estimable advice columnist on ducking tornadoes, mom’s new boyfriend’s haircut, the politics of pro football, and the mysterious origins of the Texas sheet cake.
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The Texanist
Our estimable advice columnist on washed-up beaches, chicken-fried whoppers, the etymology of “hindcatcher,” and tryin’ to love an Elantra-drivin’ man.
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The Texanist
Our estimable advice columnist on armadillo mortality, Dallas Cowboys etiquette, barbecue preferences, and a perfect Texas playlist.
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The Texanist
Our estimable advice columnist on hat etiquette, delusions of ranchhood, reconnecting with your Texas roots, and staying loyal to your Wranglers.
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The Texanist
Our estimable advice columnist on pathological liars, missing knives, the difference between a Texan and a New Yorker turned Floridian turned Montanan, and why tequila is not—hic!—a vegetable.
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The Texanist
Our estimable advice columnist on Texas brag, the limits of speed limits, the intoxicating appeal of his alma mater, and just who, exactly, was going to Luckenbach, Texas, with Waylon and Willie.
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The Texanist
Our estimable advice columnist on buildin’ a fire pit, dressin’ like an oilman, plannin’ a destination wedding (or not), and lettin’ go of a non-barbecue-lovin’ woman.
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The Texanist
Our estimable advice columnist on domino-nothings, reconnecting with your roots, procuring public property, and the ineffable appeal of the frozen mango margarita.
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The Texanist
Our estimable advice columnist on poultry politesse, I-35 road rage, and a bedeviling place name.
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The Texanist
Our estimable advice columnist on playing Words With Friends, figuring out a hat size mystery, and the rules pertaining to road-killed rattlers.
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The Texanist
Our estimable advice columnist on camping by a river, shooting by a river, choosing what heels to wear (not by a river), and more.
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The Texanist
Our estimable advice columnist on bad barbecue vs. no barbecue, rodeo bullfighting, and dogs at bars.
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The Texanist
Our estimable advice columnist on bygone dining traditions, feeling homesick, and the indelible effects of living a mere five years in Texas.
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The Texanist
Our estimable advice columnist on seventh-grade Texas history teachers, the ban on the can ban, sought-after stick sausages, and more.
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The Texanist
Our estimable advice columnist on euphemisms involving the word “hay,” A&M’s unaptly named yearbook, and meat preparation preferences.
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The Texanist
Our estimable advice columnist on equestrian liability, Texan genealogy, and Furr’s Fresh Buffet vs. Luby’s Cafeteria.
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The Texanist
Q: My wife has recently taken a keen interest in my backyard barbecuing duties. In fact, last weekend she asked me if I wanted her to start cooking the beans from now on. As much as I would like the help, do you think bean preparation could be a gateway to her eventually wanting to …
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On Sports and Sportsmanship
Q: I’ve had a tailgate party in the same spot for just about every Aggie home game since R. C. Slocum’s last season, in 2002. This year I’d like to make the move to a different spot, on the other side of the stadium, but it’s between two established tailgates, and I don’t know the folks who …
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On the Great Outdoors
Q. I am an avid South Texas hunter. A while back, I was en route to Concan and stopped to get gas when I saw a group of grown men shamelessly flaunting their pink camouflage hats and shirts. In almost three decades of hunting I have never seen a pink tree. Please tell me why …
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On the Home and Lawn
Q: Will hiring a lawn service to do my mowing make me soft?Preston CulbersonNacogdochesSeptember 2009 A: Well, boy hidy, Mr. Deep Pockets, seems somebody has suddenly found himself standing in some mighty high cotton. And, at the same time, in some increasingly tall grass. Did your numbers hit? Ol’ Aunt Hattie, bless her soul, remember you …
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On Child-Rearing
Q: My twelve-year-old daughter is a complete and unashamed tomboy. She hunts with me, fishes with me, and throws the football with me. Wouldn’t be caught dead in a dress. I love every second of it, but her mother thinks it’s come time for her to drop some of these boyish pursuits and start acting and …
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On Dipping and Spitting
Q: I work for a technology company in a nice office in Austin—despite what you have heard, we are required to wear shoes. Anyway, I have a co-worker who dips Copenhagen and spits into a Styrofoam cup. Is this acceptable in an office environment? Mike Via e-mailSeptember 2007 A: Though the Texanist cannot condone the use of …
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On Romance
Q: How many Gulf oysters does it take for a person to see results from the aphrodisiac qualities that they are said to possess? My wife and I were recently visiting Galveston and shared three dozen to no avail.Name WithheldFebruary 2011 A: Ah, the oyster. The most delectable and voluptuous of all the sea’s fruits, supple and …
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On Beer, Tequila, and Other Libations
Q: If I go to a fiesta and take a twelve-pack of Lone Star with me and only drink eight, can I take the remaining brews home with me? John ValdezAustinApril 2008 A: Experience tells the Texanist that even when one arrives at a party empty-handed, drinks one’s fill, makes a horse’s ass of oneself with the …
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On “Y’all” and Other Matters of Regional Dialect
Q: My husband originally hails from Wisconsin, and I was raised in Indiana. After three years in the Lone Star State, we have become comfortable throwing a “y’all” or “fixin’ to” into our conversations at home, but we still feel a little unqualified to use these expressions in public. At what point, if ever, can …
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On Relieving Oneself
Q: If one makes a genuine effort not to be seen while peeing outdoors, can that still be considered urinating in public?Frank AllenRicardoMarch 2009 A: Yes and no. The need to shake the dew off one’s lily away from modern facilities is one of life’s many inevitabilities (and one of its few remaining pleasures). But taking precautions …
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On Bluebonnets and Other State Emblems
Q: Every year at wildflower time my wife, whom I love dearly, insists that I come with her and the kids for the annual bluebonnet portrait. I usually protest a little but inevitably end up out there on the side of the road with them. Do I really have to go this year? Name Withheld April …
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On Driving and the Rules of the Road
Q: I live in Arkansas but recently visited Port Aransas with my family for our summer vacation. We had never been to the Texas coast and were really looking forward to the trip, but it turned out that what could have been four beautiful days on the beach were marred by all the traffic! On the …
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On Guns and Weaponry
Q: How old need a boy be to receive the gift of a first gun? ChristopherAustinJanuary 2009 A: Assuming that we are not speaking of some wild-assed hellion who will bury his relatives in a torrent of tiny steel balls the first time a firearm is laid in his hands, age is neither here nor there. The key …
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On Sartorial Matters
Q: I was born and raised in Texas and have resided in New York City for the past couple of years. On a recent trip back home, I visited a friend on his ranch in West Texas and was mocked unmercifully for wearing skinny jeans. I will admit that the jeans were pretty skinny. But from …
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The Texanist
On why good neighbors mend good fences, drinkin’ while dog walkin’, and the proper way to dispose of bacon grease (hint: in your belly).
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An Open Letter From the Texanist
To Daniel Vaughn, New Barbecue Editor of Texas Monthly, on the Occasion of His First Day On the Job
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The Texanist
On unleashing the hounds, the definition of a dance hall, and relieving one’s self in the Gulf of Mexico.
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The Texanist’s Parenting Quiz
How are you doing as a raiser of authentic Texan offspring? Take this handy quiz and find out.
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Offering fine advice since 2007
Oyster aphrodisiacs, hat manners, drill team attire, and why a man needs a weekender.
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Offering fine advice since 2007
Wayward dog droppings, “barbecue” versus “grill,” flag displays, and the best way to get a husband to slim down.
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Offering Fine Advice Since 2007
School yard bullying, game-day taunts, gambling etiquette, and children who dislike bones in their meat.
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Pink camouflage, Floridian “friends,” a bedtime dilemma, and whether or not it’s acceptable to mock Chileans for their flag’s similarity to ours.
The Texanist dishes up a heaping helping of fine advice.
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The Texanist
A fond look back at Temple, a.k.a. Ratsville and/or Tanglefoot, that fair burg wherein your dedicated advice columnist learned the location of the thin line between right and wrong.
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The Texanist
Vegetarian offspring, a barroom dispute, maintaining the “Texas identity,” and whether anything can be done to cure a marriage-threatening case of snoring.
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The Texanist
The trouble with black beans, an unnatural attachment to Texas license plates, the perils of striking up a conversation in the restroom, and the discomfort of two men riding together on the same Harley.
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The Texanist
Q: My wife and I are working toward finally buying some property in Washington County to retire on and have a place for the kids and grandkids to come and enjoy the simple life on occasion. I would like to know if it is legal, when the time comes to pass on to that great …
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The Texanist
Q: I am a Texan of advanced age who is hearing all the clamor surrounding health care. I grew up in Mineral Wells, drinking the famed water they merchandise, and I enjoy great health in my senior years. Would you think that perhaps we have overlooked the secret to good health that was once marketed as …
