For those of us inclined to bouts of fatalism and pessimistic thinking, the coronavirus pandemic has given our overactive imaginations and anxiety-laden brains plenty to do. In bright times, that looks like “Should I start a garden?” and in dark times, it’s more like “Would I rather die in a hospital, or while wandering a grim, Cormac McCarthy-esque post-apocalyptic future?” Either way, though, there’s plenty to worry about these days! And, just in time for Texas to begin reopening stores and restaurants, we have a fresh horror to worry about: would being eaten by Alex Jones be the worst way to die, of every possible way to go?
We are forced to contemplate this terrible potential fate because Jones, the disgraced conspiracy theorist who has been banned from virtually all social media and required to stop hocking phony coronavirus cures by the FCC, gave one of his signature rants on the subject on his show.
everything's fine pic.twitter.com/jjTTdm6pzy
— Sam Thielman (@samthielman) May 1, 2020
“I’ll eat’cha,” he intones, explaining his willingness to feed his children by feeding them his neighbors. He has meat in a freezer somewhere, he explains, but when that runs out? He’s going for the guy next door. That is where Alex Jones is, six weeks into quarantine.
Paying attention to Alex Jones isn’t really a great idea. He is a conspiracy theorist who peddles dangerous nonsense. When he does things like talk about his burgeoning interest in cannibalism, he is desperately seeking the attention that we should withhold from him. But also: we are only human, and here is a man ranting about eating people while many of us are dealing with the anxiety of existential uncertainty. Should we spend any more time discussing this guy or what he says? No. Is it hard not to, when you’ve been forced to consider the possibility that this, your one wild and precious life, could end with your flesh on the end of this guy’s fork? Yep.
The likelihood of anyone’s cause of death being “eaten by Alex Jones” is low. He may express a desire to hunt the most dangerous game—man—but in this footage of him yelling at someone and then chasing after them, offered as a green screen so you can put him in whatever setting you want as a new quarantine hobby, he doesn’t look particularly fast. If and when the prospect of Alex Jones lurking with a machete starts to haunt you at night, probably just focus on your cardio.
Even if things do end up heading in the direction of the sort of collapse Jones anticipates, there will, of course, be other ways to feed yourself besides eating your neighbors. You can plant a garden! You can raise chickens. Go ask Ted Cruz if he will share his stash of Campbell’s Chunky soup. Alex Jones will not eat you, but we live in times so weird that you can’t wholly discount it as a possibility. Ultimately, this sort of reassessment of the various threats we face is probably healthy, just to provide some needed perspective. Things are weird out there, but they are not being-killed-and-eaten-by-raging-cannibal-Alex-Jones weird, and for that we can take some slight comfort. Have a great weekend, Texas.