The Astros may be the defending World Series champs, but when it comes to which MLB team will be serving the most ridiculous foodstuffs to fans, the winner—in Texas and, perhaps, the world—is the Texas Rangers. Fans at Houston’s Minute Maid Park can enjoy Texas Pulled Pork Cheesesteak Sliders and BBQ Funnel Cake as part of this year’s lineup of new concessions, but in Arlington, such tame offerings probably got shuffled off the menu years ago. In 2012, the Rangers helped pioneer the arms race of absurd ballpark food with the Boomstick—a two-foot hot dog meant to be shared, but frequently consumed by one single person with a disregard for their own health and safety. In the subsequent years, they’ve upped the ante with every season.

This year, the Astros and the Rangers open the season at Globe Life Park, which means that fans of both teams with an appreciation of game snacks beyond peanuts and Cracker Jack will be able to sample the latest round of menu additions. To help make sense of this weird world of funky foods, we’ve assembled a roundtable of our editorial staffers to scrutinize the new menu offerings and point out our favorite new items and the ones that we’d pass on.

Note: We haven’t tried these, so we’re going off of description alone. But don’t worry—we, like you, will be wolfing these down as soon as our hearts and stomachs allow.

Dan Solomon, writer-at-large

Favorite: Vegan Nacho Grande
Tostitos tortilla chips topped with house-made vegan chili and vegan cheeze, lettuce, tomato, olives and Beyond Crumbles, $13
This is a counter-intuitive one for me. I’m not vegan, and I don’t even really love nachos—but I love that vegan nachos exist. The Rangers have been serving up meat and dairy free options alongside their “meat, meat, and more meat” offerings for a while, but in years past, those items were not really in the spirit of the rest of the menu. Carnivores got brisket coated in fried dough and powdered sugar, as vegans got Mediterranean nachos, which were really just a fancy way of saying pita chips and hummus. This year, though, the vegans can feel disgusting just like the rest of us after consuming Tostitos drenched in Beyond Meat (a protein substitute) crumbles and vegan “cheeze” sauce, with lettuce, tomatoes, and olives. I really admire this commitment to making everybody feel as overwhelmed by their food as possible, regardless of their dietary restrictions.

Least Favorite: The Triple B Sandwich
A soft roll piled with bacon, brisket, and bologna topped with Sweet Baby Ray’s BBQ Sauce, $18
What do bacon, brisket, and bologna all have in common? They’re all meats, and they all begin with the letter “B.” That’s it, really, which makes me think that this was a last-minute addition to the menu by someone who forgot that they had a project due. Ain’t nothing wrong with brisket, but bologna? I also have no beef (or pork!) with bacon, but it’s basically a condiment at this point. This sandwich costs $18. Give me beef ribs, barbacoa, or maybe some bresaola if you’re feeling fancy. Whoever came up with this sandwich did so after staring at their fridge for 20 seconds and throwing a few things on bread so they didn’t get in trouble at a meeting.

Doyin Oyeniyi, writer-at-large

Favorite: Seventh Inning Cinnamon Roll
An iced cinnamon roll, deep-fried and smothered in raspberry and chocolate sauce, $10

I’m trying to cut down on sugar, but this ballpark cinnamon roll is calling to my sweet tooth. Absolutely nothing sounds wrong about a deep-fried cinnamon bun covered in raspberry and chocolate sauce! The only issue that I can foresee is that it might be way too decadent for one person, which is a pretty classic case of too much of a good thing. But I’m also trying to be better about sharing, so it could be an opportunity for that exercise.
Least Favorite: The Dilly Dog
A hollowed-out Best Maid pickle filled with a jumbo hot dog, then battered and fried, $10
It was hard for me to decide which one I found least appealing: the Dilly Dog or the Cheetos Jalapeño Bacon Dog. I already find hot dogs to be pretty gross, so it was just a matter of which mutation was worse. Am I more disgusted by a hot dog smothered in whatever the hell “Cheetos cheese sauce” is, or by one shoved inside a pickle and deep-fried? There’s something particularly stomach-turning about imagining the flavors and textures of a Dilly Dog, so it’s my winner for the worst of this bunch. Think about it: biting into the hot, crispy batter to get to an equally hot, sour and mushy pickle before finally getting to the also mushy and (hopefully) meaty center. Hard pass.

Tim Taliaferro, editor in chief

Favorite: Cheetos Jalapeño Bacon Dog
A bacon-wrapped hot dog, covered in Cheetos cheese sauce, jalapeños, and more Cheetos, $11
I’ll admit, I have some questions about what exactly Cheetos cheese sauce is, but even without knowing the details, this inventive fusion sounds pretty doggone promising. Bacon and the hotdogs seem to fit nicely together—because what doesn’t go with bacon? What I’m more excited about is the pairing of Cheetos and jalapeños, a collaboration much more likely to pack a punch than the abomination of Flaming Hot Cheetos. Combining a solid ballpark dog with some delectable bacon and then smothering it with a cheesy derivative of my childhood chip of choice sounds like a worth addition to a Rangers game day.

Least Favorite: Nitro Cold Brew Coffee
Texas-based Cuvee’s Nitro Cold Brew, offered on tap with French Vanilla or hazelnut syrup and almond milk, $7.50
You want something chilled and brewed? Hail that guy coming up the aisle shouting “cold beer.” Try asking him for a “cold brew” and see what he hands you.There’s only one kind of brew appropriate for the ballpark, and it ain’t coffee. It’ll come in an aluminum can, fresh from its ice bath, and will be filled with one of those light ales that the rest of the world likes to mock. But this isn’t Europe, and we’re not at a coffee shop. We’re here to watch the great American pastime, catch foul balls, yell at the ump, and drink our mediocre beer. Save the cold brew for the next morning.

Abby Johnston, senior editor

Favorite: The Dilly Dog
A hollowed-out Best Maid pickle filled with a jumbo hot dog, then battered and fried, $10
When I first read about the Dilly Dog, I was eating a big ol’ dill pickle. That should reveal something about my gastronomic inclinations—namely that I love pickles. Do you know what I also love? Fried pickles. At least once a week in college, far before my youthful metabolism waned, I treated myself to an order of fried pickles with a side of ranch dressing, relishing the crunch of both the brined cucumber and crisped breading, then dunked in the creamy herbal spread that effortlessly cut through the acidity. Could such a perfect combination be improved? Perhaps. Whoever fried the first pickle had to dream of such ideal embellishments—like, for instance, a juicy hot dog.

Least Favorite: Cracker Jack Cheetos Popcorn
Cracker Jack mixed with Cheetos-flavored popcorn, $9
Maybe it’s because my dentist mother severely limited my intake of Cracker Jack growing up, or perhaps it’s because of my extreme aversion to cheese dust. Whatever the reason, the combination of these snacks, both of which rank low on my craving list (ballpark or otherwise), sounds absolutely revolting. I’m all in on sweet and savory, but the Cracker Jack Cheetos Popcorn seems to take both of these to an almost bastardized level. There’s something beautiful about subtlety, which is completely lacking here.

Charley Locke, associate editor

Favorite: Seventh Inning Cinnamon Roll
An iced cinnamon roll, deep-fried and smothered in raspberry and chocolate sauce, $10
All of these foods are tailored to our inner gluttons. And when I indulge that particular vice, I prefer it to rest within the best food group: sweets. A glaze of pure sugar drizzled over gooey carbs, dotted with swirls of cinnamon? It’s like breakfast and dessert—the two most important meals of the day—rolled into one circle of flaky, fluffy dough. What could make such a decadent delight well-suited for baseball grub? That’s easy, bring in our nation’s second-favorite pastime: deep-frying. Texans have deep-fried turkeys, PB&J, even chicken noodle soup on a stick—deep-frying a cinnamon roll seems obvious. Top it with raspberry and chocolate sauce and you’ve got the sweet breakfast treat of my dreams.

Least Favorite: Home Run Ham Fries
Ham cut into sticks, then battered and deep-fried, $7.50
Ah, ham, a lunch meat for the masses. Sandwich it between Swiss cheese and sourdough, garnish with arugula, juicy tomatoes, and Dijon mustard, and you’ve got yourself a grade-A lunch meal. And what goes better with a delicious ham sandwich than crisp, salty, ketchup-covered fries? But don’t switch the two! Somehow, the idea of that crunchy oil and batter covering my ham feels like an offense to the pig. You don’t sandwich fries, just as you don’t fry a sandwich.