As the only man ever to run against both Bill White and Rick Perry, I have a few thoughts on how either one of these fine, upstanding, admirable men could beat the tar out of the other.
Pink camouflage, Floridian “friends,” a bedtime dilemma, and whether or not it’s acceptable to mock Chileans for their flag’s similarity to ours.
The Texanist dishes up a heaping helping of fine advice.
A fond look back at Temple, a.k.a. Ratsville and/or Tanglefoot, that fair burg wherein your dedicated advice columnist learned the location of the thin line between right and wrong.
Vegetarian offspring, a barroom dispute, maintaining the “Texas identity,” and whether anything can be done to cure a marriage-threatening case of snoring.
The trouble with black beans, an unnatural attachment to Texas license plates, the perils of striking up a conversation in the restroom, and the discomfort of two men riding together on the same Harley.
Is it legal to be buried on my own property? Illustration by Jack UnruhQ: My wife and I are working toward finally buying some property in Washington County to retire on and have a place for the kids and grandkids to come and enjoy the
It was a year of: Alamo amour, bollixed Bush, cheeseburger chagrin, dissed Davy, egregious ethics, film flops, guileful gynecologists, hibiscus hullabaloo, in-flight idiocy, jiggling Janet, konservative kross-dressers, laughable liposuction, microphone mishaps, numskull name-nabbing, opinionated obits, pot parfaits, Qaeda qualms, reckless Rather, streaking solons, tasteless Tecate, UT users, vulgar veeps, Wicca
Better close off the balcony too Congresswoman Sheila Jackson Lee, of Houston, requested that a corridor in her Washington, D.C., office building be closed off for eight hours so that she could meet privately with singer Michael Jackson.4—6 minutes to high cholesterol An eighteen-wheeler overturned on Houston’s Loop 610, spilling
10. The AlamoThe film was as big a disaster for Disney as the 1836 battle was for its valiant defenders—a commercial and critical flop that, unlike the original, is better forgotten.9. The Texas Longhorns baseball teamThey lost twice at the College World Series: once on the field to Cal State—Fullerton,
“And don’t forget to come back next week for the Greensheet Awards. Everybody in Austin can win something if you just stick around long enough in this town. A lot of people dressed up tonight and a lot of people didn’t give a s—t, did they? Nobody’s going to work
Mark: “They’ve mixed a lot of the Western side with the original, but they’re not original. And this right here is the biggest joke I’ve ever heard. She’s doing mudras [hand movements] through the whole thing, but she’s not even doing the mudras right.” Dan: “It’s nonsensical, the way they’re singing.
“The artists that are performing tonight have written compositions or have been influenced by compositions written in Spanish, traditional Mexican music, and what’s called border music, if you will, a marriage of Tex-Mex. And so tonight they are celebrating that acoustically, singing the songs they’ve learned.”— Susan Charney, co-producer of
“Cake is a great band. It’s soulful music. It’s food for the soul.” — Krys Holland, audience member, watching Cake at the Austin Music Hall.“When I say go, turn that s—t all the way up.” — Wayne Coyne, lead singer of the Flaming Lips, having passed out cassette tapes to
It was a year of angry Aggies, Baptist bravado, confused Cheney, death row drollery, enemas in evidence, fetid feet, ghetto gobbledygook, helicopter hunts, insurance idiocy, jerk judges, kin kidnappers, lawbreaking Longhorns, meshuggener misfires, NASA nimrods, Oswald online, pooped-on presidents, quick quarrels, requested roaches, scrotum-scarring Sooners, taped teenagers, unhinged urinators, visible
Developing my twisted sense of humor was a family affair.
Eight days in a rental car with Larry L. King, the crotchety West Texan who has written some of the greatest magazine stories of all time, would be enough to drive anyone crazy. Except his biggest fan.
From bullet bras to panties emblazoned with the Lone Star flag, a brief history of women’s underwear in Texas.
Why are they so damn angry all the time?
Is the secret to good healthy actually “Crazy Water”? Illustration by Jack UnruhQ: I am a Texan of advanced age who is hearing all the clamor surrounding health care. I grew up in Mineral Wells, drinking the famed water they merchandise, and I enjoy great health
1. When Tea Parties Attack! Article III, Section 9, of the constitution of the state of Texas tells us that when a new session of the House of Representatives is seated, its first order of business is to elect a Speaker. What the constitution doesn’t tell us is that the Speaker’s election
My husband wants to taxidermy our dog when he goes to that big yard in the sky. I don’t. Can I convince him this is wrong? Illustration by Jack UnruhQ: Our family dog is getting on in age, and my husband and I have begun to
Juanita, a Mexican free-tailed bat, tells us a little about herself.
1. Dear Houston, Back in February, Jeremy Lin was the king of my hometown, and the Knicks were vowing to do whatever it took to keep him around a long, long time. And then, boom, five months later he was headed to the Rockets. The Knicks? They never even made
Sure, they stink. But whatever you do, don’t confuse them with feral pigs.
1. Third Time’s the Charm! Right?For the third straight year, the Texas Rangers head into the postseason with hopes that are high and realistic. Led by perennial MVP candidate Josh Hamilton, they’re the best-hitting team in baseball. They’ve got a lights-out closer in Joe Nathan and, despite some devastating injuries,
First of all, they're not really horny.
On tomboys, spiciness, and the end of the UT-A&M rivalry.
Unwelcome shotgun blasts, unwanted mustaches, uncouth behavior, and the un-bare-able truth about going sockless in your cowboy boots.
When Dallas’s very own Marvin Lee Aday—that’s Meat Loaf to you—optioned one of my screenplays, he didn’t just offer me a glimpse of paradise by the dashboard lights. He also helped me write a novel.
Violent mockingbirds, farm-to-market roads, football versus lacrosse, and the incredible nerve of storekeepers who charge for spit cups.
Boot-scooting in the right direction, leaving New York, wondering about the yardman, and trying out the cowgirl look when you’re no longer 25.
How to respond to those weird bumper testicles, pledge allegiance to the flag, ask to see the top of someone’s boots, and decide between sweet and dill.
Disciplining a wayward niece, care packages for Texas soldiers, revisiting South Padre, and the truth about raccoon penis bones.
Watching the Super Bowl on the sly, meeting the Hill Country neighbors, sharing a bed with man and dog, and smoking grapevine.
What one man overheard at this year’s celebration of the best pitmasters in the state, righteous smoked meats, and passionate ’cue lovers.
Taxidermy and relationships, school colors abroad, and the proper terminology for a small piece of property.
Expensive quinceañeras, dangerous toys, lawn-watering etiquette, and seasonal restrictions on chili consumption.
My short, unfulfilling, momentarily terrifying career as a rattlesnake racer.
Nicknames, parental discretion, summer camp, and the best way to talk about breast enlargement.
If Tahitian sailors could find Hawaii using only their testicles, I ought to be able to survive the modern world without a computer. But, hell, it looks like I can't.
School colors, wedding music, spare-ticket reimbursement, and why not to plant a mesquite for dear old granddad.
Aisle-scooting etiquette, slaughtering a turkey, skunk remedies, and the proper way to approach a group of ladies at a dance hall.
Rude diners, fraudulent Texans, anniversary presents, and the problem with mail-order steaks.
Showing a new intern the tricks of the trade.
Can I wear a football jersey to church?
Help! My voice recognition software is making me save airy funnel things witch nobody wonder Stans.
What’s to be done with annoying neighbors?
Am I the only person who has always wanted to get picked for jury duty?
Can I unfriend a Facebook friend?
Turns out being a test subject for a dermatology research lab is not the best thing that could ever happen to a girl.