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Join Texas Monthly at the Texas Book Festival

Jan 20, 2013 By Texas Monthly

TEXAS MONTHLY is proud to be a sponsor of the Texas Book Festival, which is held in Austin on October 16 and 17. For a complete listing of events, check out the official schedule. To see which sessions TEXAS MONTHLY editors and writers are participating in, see the schedule…

1999 Bum Steer Awards

Jan 20, 2013 By Texas Monthly

A year of asking-for-it Aggies, badass broccoli, contraband coffee, Death Row decor, extrapolating elephants, faux feet, god-awful gimmickry, humongous heavyweights, incomparable ironers, judicial jimjams, kaput kowtowers, lame-brained liberals, moping millionaires, NASA ninnies, off-putting officials, prize-winning pignappers, quasi-comic quipsters, red-handed rapscallions, scarfable sod, theoretical thongs, ungodly ungulates, vomiting vegetation, wild-eyed window-breakers, xenophobic Xanthippes, Yankee yahoos, and zapped zealots.

Jessica Simpson

Jan 20, 2013 By Texas Monthly

TEXAS MONTHLY ASSESSMENT OF KNOWLEDGE AND SKILLS/ Basic Overview Of Bum Steers NAME: Jessica Simpson Level 1 Reality Comprehension DIRECTIONS. Read the story. Then read each question and fill in the circle for the answer you choose. DITSY DOLLY Once upon a time there was…

Chicken and Dumblings

Jan 20, 2013 By Texas Monthly

Recipe from Cafe 290, Hwy 290 East, Manor. Chicken Stock 1 gallon of water 2 whole chickens 1 1/2 cubes of chicken bouillon 1/2 bunch of chopped celery 1/4 pound of butter Start with a gallon of water in a large pot. Place two whole chickens…

Man of Letters

Jan 20, 2013 By Texas Monthly

Forty years after the publication of John Graves's Goodbye to a River, a keepsake volume of correspondence—between the author and J. Frank Dobie, among others— chronicles its journey from an idea for a magazine article to an instant literary classic.

If you’ve never read or seen Lonesome Dove . . .

Jan 20, 2013 By Texas Monthly

The opening scenes of Lonesome Dove take place at the Hat Creek Cattle Company, a small ranch in Lonesome Dove, Texas, just north of the Rio Grande. Hat Creek is operated by two old Texas Rangers, the taciturn Woodrow Call and the talkative Augustus “Gus” McCrae. Among their hands are…

Curtis “Trey” Roark, Bingo Caller

Jan 20, 2013 By Texas Monthly

Roark, who grew up in Houston, has been calling games at the Bingo Barn in Bryan for two years. He will graduate in December from Texas A&M University with a degree in political science. I was a college sophomore looking for a summer job when I read in the student…

The 2007 Bum Steer Awards

Jan 20, 2013 By Texas Monthly

It was a year of aggrieved actors, banned boobs, Cuban commodes, DeLay denial, errant Elmo, frisky floaters, grouchy governors, hung hoopsters, immigration insensitivity, job-seeking judges, klobbered Karl, Longhorn lushes, miffed musicians, nude no-no’s, ousted Osteens, peeved passers, quarreling queens, riled Rangers, subpar sheriffs, tiny “terrorists,” unseemly URLs, vice presidential violence, wiseacre W., x-asperated x-wives, youthful yakkers, and zoo zeal.

David Lee Garza, Acordeonista

Jan 20, 2013 By Texas Monthly

The moment that members of the tejano band David Lee Garza y Los Musicales saw a poster by San Antonian John Dyer, they knew they had found the photographer for their next album. “We wanted more than just a face on a cover,” says bassist Richard Garza, “and his poster…

The Best of the Texas Century—Culture

Jan 20, 2013 By Texas Monthly

Anne Dingus on Lonesome Dove, Chester Rosson on Scott Joplin, Michael Hall on Buddy Holly, Don Graham on Giant, John Morthland on Ornette Coleman, Eileen Schwartz on Greater Tuna, Jennifer Olsen on Conan the Barbarian, and Michael Ennis on the painter of the century.

Great Escapes: Lodging

Jan 20, 2013 By Texas Monthly

Austin Street Retreat, 408 W. Austin Street (one block north of Main), Fredericksburg (830-997-5612, fax 830-997-8282; www.fbglodging.com). Double occupancy $125 (breakfast not included). No telephones in some rooms; no televisions; hot tubs with handheld showers only. Children allowed in Maria’s only. No smoking indoors, no pets. AE, DS,…

Great Escapes: Points of Interest

Jan 20, 2013 By Texas Monthly

Alamo Village, 7 miles north of Brackettville on FM 674 (830-563-2580; www.alamovillage.com) Alibates National Monument, 419 E. Broadway, Fritch (806-857-3151; www.nps.gov/alfl) Alley Oop Fantasyland Park, 1000 Parkside (on the west side of town), Iraan Barnard’s Mill Art Museum, 307 SW Barnard Street, Glen Rose (254-897-7494) Big…

Orange-Glazed Muffins

Jan 20, 2013 By Texas Monthly

Muffins 4 eggs 11/2 cups sugar 1/2 cup olive oil zest of 3 oranges 11/2 cups sour cream 1 tablespoon baking powder 1/2 teaspoon baking soda 1/2 teaspoon salt 1 pound cake flour (about 37/8 cups unsifted cake flour; you may substitute…

Gourmet Breakfast

Jan 20, 2013 By Texas Monthly

Orange-Glazed Muffin With a hint or two, you might guess that these decadent orange muffins are made with sour cream. But would you ever imagine that the secret ingredient is olive oil? The flavor doesn’t intrude, it just adds a subtle richness. Recipe from Cipollina, Austin. Smoked-Salmon Omelet with…

Fruit-and-Nut Granola

Jan 20, 2013 By Texas Monthly

Fruit-and-Nut Granola 12 ounces plain granola of your choice (about 3 cups) 3 ounces pistachios (about 1/2 cup), roughly chopped 3 ounces slivered almonds (about 1 cup) 1/2 ounce dried apples, diced (about 1/8 cup) 1/2 ounce dried apricots, diced (about 1/8 cup) 1/2 ounce…

Healthful Breakfast

Jan 20, 2013 By Texas Monthly

Fruit-and-Nut Granola No retro granola, the Houstonian’s classy version updates the multigrain cereal of the sixties with almonds, pistachios, and a medley of dried fruits, including cranberries, currants, and apricots. Recipe from The Houstonian Hotel, Club and Spa, Houston. Scrambled Egg Whites With Shiitake Mushrooms and Roma Tomatoes The…

Mexican Breakfast

Jan 20, 2013 By Texas Monthly

Cinnamon-Pumpkin Empanadas The incredibly flaky, yeasty crust of these empanadas is so good—and so easy to make—that you’ll immediately abandon all other recipes. The pumpkin filling, also a breeze, is traditionally Mexican. Recipe from Esperanza’s Cafe (Joe T. Garcia’s Bakery), Fort Worth. Potato Pancakes With Sour Cream-Chipotle Sauce Most…

Potato Pancakes With Sour Creamy Chipotle Sauce

Jan 20, 2013 By Texas Monthly

Sauce 2 teaspoons prepared chipotle sauce 1/3 cup sour cream (low-fat if desired) 1 tablespoon milk 1 tablespoon chopped chives (optional) Whisk ingredients together. Warm in a pan or microwave oven before serving. Potato Pancakes 2 3/4 pounds unpeeled red potatoes 4 large eggs, lightly beaten…

Cinnamon-Pumpkin Empanadas

Jan 20, 2013 By Texas Monthly

Pumpkin Filling 1 15-ounce can pumpkin 1/2 cup sugar 1/4 teaspoon salt 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon (optional) 1/4 teaspoon ginger (optional) 1/8 teaspoon ground cloves (optional) Mix ingredients together and set aside. Empanada Dough 1/3 cup water 1/4 cup sugar 1 teaspoon salt…

The 2005 Bum Steer Awards

Jan 20, 2013 By Texas Monthly

It was a year of: Alamo amour, bollixed Bush, cheeseburger chagrin, dissed Davy, egregious ethics, film flops, guileful gynecologists, hibiscus hullabaloo, in-flight idiocy, jiggling Janet, konservative kross-dressers, laughable liposuction, microphone mishaps, numskull name-nabbing, opinionated obits, pot parfaits, Qaeda qualms, reckless Rather, streaking solons, tasteless Tecate, UT users, vulgar veeps, Wicca watchdogs, X-pensive X-crement, yoga yoke, and—zounds!—zero tolerance.

2005 Bum Steer Awards

Jan 20, 2013 By Texas Monthly

Better close off the balcony too Congresswoman Sheila Jackson Lee, of Houston, requested that a corridor in her Washington, D.C., office building be closed off for eight hours so that she could meet privately with singer Michael Jackson. 4—6 minutes to high cholesterol An eighteen-wheeler overturned on Houston’s…

The Bottom 10

Jan 20, 2013 By Texas Monthly

10. The Alamo The film was as big a disaster for Disney as the 1836 battle was for its valiant defenders—a commercial and critical flop that, unlike the original, is better forgotten. 9. The Texas Longhorns baseball team They lost twice at the College World Series: once on the field…

The Quaid Family Circus

Jan 20, 2013 By Texas Monthly

Over the past two years, veteran actor Randy Quaid and his wife, Evi, have transformed themselves from a pair of artsy eccentrics into a tin-pot update of Bonnie and Clyde. Though the Houston native and his wife of twenty years haven’t engaged in any homicides or bank robberies, they…

The 2010 Bum Steer Awards

Jan 20, 2013 By Texas Monthly

It was a year of accomplice apes, bedraggled Bugattis, Christlike Cheetos, dim-witted deli-owning Democrats, egregious errata, fatal foreplay, gun-toting golfers, heartless high school hoopsters, ignoble implants, jackass judges, killer Kims, laughingstock legislators, miniature museum mummies, nincompoop ne’er-do-wells, overwhelming odors, pandering Perry, quazy Quaids, reassuring Riddle, shameless Stanford, territorial T. Boone, useful urine, vituperative vixens, weaponized waitresses, x-alted XXX clubs, yolky yahoos, and zero-tolerance zealots.

Hill Country Growers and Producers

Jan 20, 2013 By Texas Monthly

Goat Cheese: Wateroak Farms, 8187 Water Oaks Lane, Bryan; 979-279-2373. Call for hours. Also available at Bryan-College Station and Austin retailers. Herbs: Generation Farms, 1109 N. McKinney, Rice; 903-326-4263. Call or go to susantaylortours.com for hours. Also sold at many supermarkets. Honey: Lone Star Honey/Walker Honey Company, 8060 E.

The 2000 Bum Steer Awards

Jan 20, 2013 By Texas Monthly

A year of asinine actresses, bare-bottomed bongos, curious car washes, dunderheaded deejays, elongated enchiladas, furious filmgoers, Gore goofs, huge hydrants, ice in demand, jettisoned Jagger, kooky Kansans, lecherous legislators, misinformed McDonald's, newsmaker nuts, odorous ocelots, promiscuous passengers, questionable quizzes, ridiculous recipes, speedy sports-team owners, traveling toilets, ubiquitous underwear, vapid vegetarians, wrong W-2s, x-ported x-ecutioners, Y2K y'all, and zaftig Zellweger.

Buy & Sigh

Jan 20, 2013 By Texas Monthly

CUSTOMIZED DECORATED CASKETS, ranging from the “Return to Sender” model, painted to resemble a brown-paper package and stamped with the deceased’s final (earthly) destination, to the golfer’s choice (above), “Fairway to Heaven,” depicting an inviting green, from Dallas’ WhiteLight casket company ($3,000 and up). MECHANICAL BULL “for training, for fun,…

Swill & Fill

Jan 20, 2013 By Texas Monthly

CINCINNATI CHILI, which contains unsweetened baking chocolate and is served over pasta, as detailed in an article in Texas Monthly’s sister magazine Cincinnati (about $4 a bowl). A SIX-HUNDRED-POUND PUMPKIN, auctioned on eBay to benefit the Texas Scottish Rite Hospital for Children ($2,550). DOUGHNUTS from Donuts-4-U on Commerce Street in…

Nail & Fail

Jan 20, 2013 By Texas Monthly

Just as George W. Bush’s knowledge has been put to the test, so should that of Bum Steer readers. Answer these questions correctly and you can leave here with a million Bum Steer awards: Part A. World Leaders. How did George W. Bush answer these questions? 1. Can you name…

Scan & Ban

Jan 20, 2013 By Texas Monthly

THE CHEATER’S HANDBOOK, by Southern Methodist University graduate Bob Corbett (Regan Press, $12), which explains how to cheat your way through college. “Go with an old beat-up pair of jeans with as many holes as reasonably possible . . . you can write answers directly on your legs and then…

Thanks A Million 1999: $1 Million

Jan 20, 2013 By Texas Monthly

BILL AND ANGIE BARRETT Dallas, $1 million $1 MILLION to the UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS SOUTHWESTERN MEDICAL CENTER AT DALLAS to establish the Barrett Family Center for Pediatric Oncology. Mr. Barrett is the chairman of Willow Distributors. LOUIS A. BEECHERL, JR. Dallas, $1 million $1 MILLION to the UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS…

Thanks A Million 1999: More than $1 million

Jan 20, 2013 By Texas Monthly

FRED THOMSON COUPER AND MARY FRANCES BOWLES COUPER Houston, $10 million A home, eighteen wooded acres, art, and furniture valued at a total of $10 MILLION to MEMORIAL HERMANN HEALTHCARE SYSTEM, in Houston. When the Coupers no longer live in the house, it will be converted into a wellness center.